Feelings

Well, I have sure ran the spectrum of feelings in the last 24hrs. Here are some of my thoughts:

How is it our 4yr old didn't qualify for special needs preschool? I do have a friend in our school district who told me that you have to be 2+yrs behind to qualify. We had her tested for kindergarten intake, not special needs. I'm wondering at this point if it would even be worth my time to have her tested for special needs, since we don't know if she's going to kindergarten or preschool in the fall. Chronologically she should go to kindergarten. We are waiting for the specialists to help guide us here. Maybe she could do kindergarten with special ed help and therapies.

We are so busy with her counseling, PCIT teacher, and countless doctors appts, I don't know where we'd fit in the time for preschool at this time.

A friend suggested to us to finalize the 2yr old's adoption and wait until all the state funding comes thru for the 4yr old before finalizing her adoption. I mentioned this option to our agency SW yesterday, and haven't heard back about this. Makes alot of sense though. We have to get medical & disability coverage for her for life. Otherwise, I don't see how we could finalize. We could, but I don't expect my other children to take care of and look out for her when I die. Also if we keep her as a permanent adoption placement for a while, we could use respite. There are days I need respite and don't have any, since she's not in preschool or respite.

I'm facing terribly hard decisions.

I have five children, not just the 4yr old. The counselor yesterday told me raising this 4yr old will be harder than raising the other 4 kids combined. That's alot to take in.

I'm beyond angry that human beings cause these problems in kids. Fetal Alcohol, Shaken Baby Syndrome, Hitting children in the head, injuring their head thru physical abuse, starving children so that it impairs their mind, it leaves me saying "why?"................. I could seriously hit any of her bio relatives right now and not have a problem with that.

A simple thing like going to the bathroom is such an ordeal for her. Today I had to take two of my boys to the doctors office (so of course the girls have to go along). We were there over two hours. I took the girls to the bathroom about every 30 minutes since the 2yr old is new at all this. I ask the 4yr old "do you have to go potty?" She says "no". I tell her to go potty. Of course she pees. I'm rolling my eyes wondering how many years she will not recognize that she has to pee. Then she cried for the last 45 minutes or so of the boys doctor appts. My 12yr old said "that's really disruptive!" Yea, ya think? I deal with it several hours a day.

How hard will our lives be raising her? How hard will her life be? I mean, we know this will be hard, but how hard? I don't think anyone can answer that.

My neck and back hurt. I must be tensing up.

I'm dreading talking to the state SW over all this. He's always said "the girls are cute and smart". I told this to the counselor yesterday and she wanted to scream. It's statements like this that cause alot of adoption disruption, if you ask me. She says she has had to go to court for hearings because of this very problem. The state tells a family "the kid(s) are cute and smart", stamped & approved for adoption, and the adoptive family is stumbling around trying to help special needs kids.

I feel guilty for not knowing how to raise her. I feel incompetent for not knowing how to raise her. This is leaving me in tears. I realize no one knows off the top of their head how to raise a severely special needs kid, but it's hard to separate oneself from that. I've overcome many obstacles in my life, coming from a severely abusive family myself. Which is why I'm not in contact with them much, some family no contact (by my choice). I pulled myself out of a gutter bio family, but I had the brains and skills to make something of myself. How is it fair that some kids are left without that ability and blessing, to survive what they've been thru?

How will she support herself as an adult? I asked the counselor yesterday, "what kind of job can she get (that will support her) where she can lie alot (even if it's unintentional), often "nobody's home in her head", and she can only parrot what other people say?" The counselor said, "She'd be great in Sales". I had to laugh, but it's sad.

I fear the state taking both girls from us because they don't want to fund medical, grants, therapy, etc. They can take both the girls from us, keep them in foster care, moving them every three weeks, and once the younger one is 4 she can be adopted, while her older sister will grow up in the foster system. How is that fair?

I'm angry that I'm the only human being who has addressed her needs, while she's been in the system since Feb 2006. It's unconscionable to me to not investigate red flags with kids.

I feel bad that my other children lose patience with her, and she is a nuisance to them. I think most of the time it's unintentional, albeit, she is disruptive, inopportune, overemotional, impulsive, and problematic. It will be good of course for the kids to grow up learning a great deal about compassion. At the same time though, we are spread thin being around her.

How will we deal with family vacations? All the kids want to go to Disneyland, but I shudder at the thought of losing her there. I also shudder at the thought of taking her there on the leash/stroller because she is so overly emotional about using those, and makes any public experience a headache, high stress, high effort, etc. Doesn't the rest of the family deserve a vacation now and then? We normally camp a few times a year, and go on a big Mexico trip once every few years. We would like to continue that, with alot of camping this summer, and take the kids to Mexico for Christmas, but would this be more work than fun? We all like to relax on vacation. Vacations with kids we affectionately call "trips" because they really aren't a vacation when the kids are this age. Now any family vacation would be downgraded from "trip" to I don't know what. This is where I think respite could be helpful............. Perhaps some of our vacations we can do without her if it's just too dangerous due to her impulsivity. I don't know. I'm thinking aloud. At this point in time, I feel it would be drugery to take her on a vacation where an adult is tethered to her at all times. By the way, she even tries to get away from me while she's on a leash.

I realize she will gain skills over the years. She will not always be as low-functioning & highly dependant as she is now. So we do have that to look forward to. Hopefully that is. There are no guarantees.

I can't be the only person going thru this sort of thing. That much I know. I'm looking to connect with other parents out there dealing with these issues. In real life, and thru blogging.

Once a month I'm going to start going to a Foster/Adopt Parenting meeting in our area. It's put on by the state.

I think I felt better yesterday than today. I'm dreading how the state is going to deal with all this.

Any helpful hints and/or suggestions?