So Where Have I Been?

Well, happy New Year and all. Been on sabbatical. I ran out of things to write. Been tired and thru a few wars with my 13yr old. Called the police on him three times in the last couple months. Too tired to write about it. Use your imagination. The final time I told my husband that alot of these problems could be alleviated if my husband actually parented. We went to counseling, and lo and behold, the counselor told my husband his head is up his ass. Husband is starting to parent, require the boys respect me and follow rules. Also, 13 yr old boy is a couple days shy of being 14, when in our state you can be formally arrested and have criminal charges brought. Honestly, I'd leave him in jail as long as they'd let me. Show up at the arraignment. That's what professional advice has supported also. So, Boy knows his bluff has been called, I'm not afraid to use a phone to call 911.

In other news, I thoroughly love my job. As an odd strange set of events unfolded, I was offered a long term sub spot in a highly capable class at our local high school. This is probably the only teacher assistant job in a highly capable class. I was floored. It's a business class that is too large for one teacher. Did I say business, as in accounting? yes. This is so up my alley, and I thoroughly enjoy every day of class. And the kids. And the head teacher. It's a dream job, and I'm enjoying it as long as it lasts. This is at the local high school my kids will attend. Which leads me to work with my children's athletic coaches. I spoke with two of them recently because they coach at my sons middle school. Told them how crappy it's been going, getting the police involved and all. Told them I didn't want to sign up my son for wrestling. They asked how he does when he's in sports. Honestly I think his behavior is better because he's too tired to cause as much trouble after a two hour athletic practice, five days a week. The coach said "put him in wrestling. Call me every week. If he's disrespectful, he doesn't get to wrestle at that weeks match." Music to my ears. So, within 24 hr of the last police episode, I had this run-in with the coach, and I shared (while trying to contain my glee) with my son and husband. I explained there are real life consequences to actions. We're a little past time-out and such at this point. My son started wrestling two weeks ago, and his coach said up front that he is not wrestling in the first match of the year since he hit his mother. I am in love.

I will add too, that some additional real life consequences did not work for this son recently, as he was hitting me in public and a school bus of his peers drove by. He then ran away. Long story. He is back and living here. But suffice it to say, he came home crying from school the next day and was crying. I asked why. "Half the school is calling me a douche bag because that school bus of kids saw me hitting my mom." Ah yes, that will happen. More music to my ears.

Now truly I am broken hearted that it has to get to this point. But seriously, I cannot express how thankful that these real world consequences are setting in. Takes the heat off me (cause he just thinks I'm a crazy bitch for wanting say, oh, to get thru a week without calling the police on him).

As a final note, I read a great comment over on the Hoover mom's blog (she's in my sidebar). A mom, Lisa, commented on her concerns about her kids turning out 95% like their bio parents. All the worries and troubles that this envisions. I understand the concern is great. I wrote this comment in response:
"I wanted to respond to a great comment you left over there. Actually you have several great comments, very smart & well thought out. You were discussing how kids are gonna turn out 95% like their bio parents and such. I came from a nightmare home. Can't believe I wasn't taken from my parents. My dad is an addict, and my mom is developmentally delayed and physically disabled (although, that could be a ruse, just to trick the rest into not expecting anything of her). I turned out to be delightful, smart, responsible, and college educated. This was difficult to say the least, with the lack of intelligence and support in my family of origin. I had to grow up parenting the parents. Got a clue when I was 20, moved out, never looked back. I got a bachelors degree in business and accounting from the University of WA, worked as a corporate accountant for many years, have raised three boys (two of which are special needs), been thru international adoption, and our local DSHS domestic adoption processes. I thoroughly benefit from ongoing counseling. I'm lucky that's all I need, considering my biological family. I do not allow my dad any contact with me or my family. My mom, well, I keep her on the outskirts. I refuse to take care of her since I did it my whole childhood. So she lives in Government subsidized Senior Disability Housing. Works for all of us. Anyway, feel free to connect with me. I'm an adult who survived an unthinkable upbringing. I could be the minority, but it does happen. I'm not a criminal, psychopath, sociopath, or trouble maker. I may have a big mouth, but I'm pretty harmless."

Really for me, I have to draw the line at safety, sexual abuse, crime. Those are the reasons I've gotten the state and police involved with our kids whether it's for bio kids or adopted kids. And sometimes it's not best for kids to continue to live in the same home if others are in danger. Sometimes it can be worked out. But as far as the health and educational needs of kids, I know the heartache all too well also. I'll post more soon about our youngest. I've gotten him into Children's Hospital lately for some permanent health issues. To add to his alphabet soup of diagnoses, we have now added Tourette's syndrome.

Truth is stranger than fiction I've come to believe.
Hope you are all well and prospering. I keep up on the blogs I read, just comment rarely. Blessings to you, Esther

Answers to Questions (Failed Russian adoption/ADHD)

Yesterday I checked the Russia data base for our little girl. She is not currently on there. One of her brothers is though, and it states he has no siblings. The database can often be quite unreliable though, or just not updated (correctly or otherwise).

ADHD magazine is something a counselor recommended for my son. She gave me a postcard to send in for the magazine. I know nothing about it. Although, HERE (clickable) is a link to the magazine. Looks neat!

I can't say much about the Russian adoption because there are two lawsuits pending: civil (to get our money & attorney fees back) & federal (to imprison the owners & employees of the adoption agency). In a nutshell, we went to Russia a few years ago, finalized the adoption of a little girl, including court paperwork. We were never allowed to bring her home because it turns out our agency was never on the books with the Russian authorities. They were baby trafficking. Just sickening. We had no clue of course. Alot of red flags were raised during the process. However, we had no clue that our agency was operating illegally. I truly hope they rot in prison, or hell. We are in contact with the Russian authorities, and last we were notified, our little girl lives in an institution with another relative. The "relative" is required to live in an institution, but wanted parental rights of said child. So a judge gave parental rights, requiring they live in an institution together until the child is 16yrs old.

We miss our sweet baby. We will continue to see if she is ever available for adoption (she never was, which was part of the illegal activity which constitutes as baby trafficking, per the FBI). Currently there are no adoption agencies working in our little girl's region, so I don't know how we'd bring her home if she were to become adoptable. Independent adoption is rare, even more rare in her region. We do have a Russian attorney as well as American attorney, so we are covered legally & informationally.

I can still feel holding her in my arms, her tiny little body. I can still hear her laugh. I can still hear her yelling at her friends that we are her mama & papa. I can still feel the breeze on those freezing days, playing with her on a jungle gym in Siberia, Far East Russia. I can still feel that bitter breeze as the day came to a close & she begged for me to swing her longer. I can still hear her shoes running down a hall way to hug me, one last time.

I miss you sweet baby girl. Yesterday I made a birthday cake in your honor. I rode my bike in your honor, since you do not have that freedom, luxury, or opportunity. We will never forget you. I take comfort knowing we will see you again even if it has to be in Heaven. God is watching over you since we cannot. May you be safe & well. I love you.

Lots of Random Updates

Big surprise. I did not get the job (ROFL). The good news is, I now have experience with the school district HR dept, and the testing. So we'll see if I get called about a part time job (that's all that I applied for).

My garden is still being eaten by local critters. We are putting up a wire fence this weekend.

Tonight we are off to buy a puppy. An English Springer Spaniel. It's a surprise for the boys.

I am halfway done with a knitted afghan, started Saturday.

My oldest son is in wrestling camp this week. He said a kid hurt his head yesterday halfway thru practice, and had to leave. Today I told him to NOT Hurt His Head Please!!
Yesterday I asked him what he learned from camp. He said "I learned that I know nothing." Guess it's really militant. They work out for six hours, with a lunch break in the middle. I pack him a lunch the size of the wrestler on The Breakfast Club.

My younger two are still in swimming and loving it. I've been sitting with a lady, and she told me today her son has Aspergers. Hey, so do I! So, we are looking around for a support group. She is also looking for a therapist for her son, so I'm bringing her the info tomorrow on the psychiatrist our son has seen, wonderful guy.

I thought of a new consequence for when the kids are being annoying, stealing, lying, etc. I tell them, "since I don't trust you, you have to sit by me for X amount of time. And watch Lifetime Movie Network with me." They would rather be stabbed in the eye with a fork. We've only had one kid in LMN timeout with me this week.

I went to the orthopedic surgeon about my hip. He thinks the problem is a Lower Back bulging disc, or a torn ligament in the ball & joint of the hip. So I'm off to have an MRI Thursday, and surgery consult Monday. If they can't find the problem thru the MRI, he said the best he can do is refer me for steroid injections for pain management. I'm rolling my eyes. Not pretty. Today I went to my Bowen Therapy appt, and she said she hopes it's a bulging disc that they find. She said there is a specialize type of Bowen therapy that can shrink the disc. Can't hurt to try?

We went camping this weekend, and had a blast. So did the mosquitoes, as they ate us alive. Us and everyone else in the park.

How come we have record high weather the years I'm pregnant, and record lows the year I planted my first garden? If I don't see some produce soon, I'm buying more berries. The shrub berries are doing well, and too high for rabbits to get to. I could add boysenberries & currants.

Today or tomorrow I'm making the first round of this years jam. Flavor of the day? Grape. Yummy.

And for some more good news, my alcoholic friend has not sought out contact with me in over a month. Last time she called, she was trying to defend her husband. I cut her off with "This is the same shit, different verse, every year. Don't want to hear it." Did the trick! She has probably found someone else to complain to, who will enable her. Better them than me!

Final good news for the day, I have now ended the dieting slump, and lost 2.5 more pounds. So that's 17.5 for the year. I was at a plateau for months! yuck! I need to update my weightloss ticker....

Update on the Girls

The girls medical info continues to come to us in the mail. This feels like such a slap in the face every time a piece of mail comes for them. It drives a knife in the big gaping wound in my heart.

I called the state head of DSHS in the governor's office yesterday, to tell her. Really, the girls records are none of our business. But more importantly, they aren't getting medical/dental/counseling care or attention, not even well-child checks (according to their medical records I get in the mail). That really disturbs me. So I told her all this, and asked if the girls are in an adoptive home? Back with the old foster family? Being well taken care of? Can I know that the girls are quite a ways from us geographically, for our safety & well being??

She is going to get back to me on all this. She asked if I notified the SW. Yes, of course I did. Multiple times, and he always said he'd taken care of it. Ah but of course. Another lying snaky SW. I hate that. I realize they are over worked & under paid, but to sit there and lie to me for months is just retarded.

Above all, I know the girls aren't getting medical attention (or dental/counseling/specialized care) because you have to present the medical info at every appointment. If their medical info comes to me, it's not with the new family. Therefore, new family isn't getting them attention. So, fortunately, the state agreed that is disturbing news, and they are required to pay attention to that. They seem pleasant when I call, and very kind.

Since I had their attention, I told her we still want to adopt the younger sister. We are so very sad she is placed with her older sister who molests and abuses her. She told me what she can say is that the girls are in a home with a formal "Safety Plan" in place. That would go along with what they told me months ago, that they were looking for, for this sibling group. A home where there were always two adults present, when the 5yr old is home. One on one attention for both children, and no other children living in the home. So, that is good. I told her to please put down for the record that we want to be notified if the girls are ever separated, so that we may adopt the younger one.

Every time I get their mail, or see yet another toy/belonging left behind by them, it just breaks my heart.

I can't gather the intelligence to understand why the state placed a predator with us & our children, especially when we told them upfront that we could not take a predator. In our home, ALL children have the right to be safe.

I know God has a purpose for all this. I realize that I may never know in my lifetime why these things happen. It's a tough cross to bear though.

This last week I've been plagued with "what-ifs", regarding the girls. What if we DID go to that required weekly marital & individual counseling (I went to individual counseling....didn't help the child)? What if I had pulled her out of preschool (since it was more of a pain in the ass, and she missed her nap)? What if I had her in full time daycare a few days a week? What if we had found some respite? What if I consulted members of our church and asked for help (I didn't do it at the time because I felt Sissy was owed some privacy)? What if we had secretly taken her to an attachment therapist, and hoped she didn't tell the SW's (since the SW's cancelled her counseling & required she not attend)? What if we had waited for the FCAP findings & referrals to services (that the SW would not authorize payment)? What if what if what if..............................

When Sissy requires that much attention, and is not legally allowed to live with other children (other than her sister), well, why on earth did the state put them with us? We had five children when the girls were here, no where close to the ratio of adult-child interaction the state now admits she requires.

Why do we have to bear the burden of this grief, to get her to a home that can provide for her needs? Since she needs this much supervision, how on earth were we to ever be a suitable match? How on earth could the boys have stayed safe, at least for much longer? And me as well. How many months, years, would she continue trying to fondle me? How many months or years would it take for her to learn to not give in to her impulsive dangerous behavior?

sigh. I just feel terrible. I'm not used to not having a solution. I grew up thinking you work hard, seek out lots of options and alternatives, and you can find a way. With God, all things are possible. I was waiting for a miracle.

It tears me up that my middle son is so sad, missing Lovey. We all miss her. But those two, well, they had such a most special bond. They were together nearly every minute our son was out of school, from dawn to dusk. We miss her terribly. Her older sister? I grieve, not knowing how to have helped her. I miss her, knowing full well that it's not her fault that she is so messed up. And I grieve the loss of a dream: the dream to raise those girls as my daughters.

Tonight my husband told me to not beat myself up. Easier said than done. I told him I can't help but have feelings.

When we turned to professionals for help for her, we were treated horribly.

I still continue to run into people in public or church who don't know we disrupted the adoption. And it's like picking at a scab or open wound every time, to have to inform people of what happened. Bless their hearts, everyone, and I mean everyone, we know is 100% supportive of our disruption, considering the situation and all. Everyone we know knows we gave it our all. I guess that's what stings, knowing our best wasn't good enough. Today's Dr. Phil was on dangerous children, and he told the parents there comes a time where it's not about parents controlling the situation. There comes a time and a place where it is unsafe to have those kids habitating in the same home, and the parents have to realize the situation is beyond the capabilities of parents. These children have to be removed from the home for the safety of others, and to live with medical staff. At least for a time being, so that medical evaluations can be done. I fought for those medical evaluations, and we were denied. Who on earth denies a child medical care? What has our social services adoption units turned into? They really appaul me.

So, I continue to learn how to move on. I don't feel so sad every day. Now, the girls cross my mind daily, but I'm only sad occasionally. So that's a good thing.

Stay tuned for a more positive upbeat post next time. Truly, I do have mostly good days. Many are great.

Claiming Your Child

This (clickable) is really good. It's an article about the wrong reasons to adopt.

THIS (clickable) is really good too...............................
I really appreciate this article, and agree with it whole heartedly. However, nothing is included here about the older adopted child who is a danger to self and others (amongst a myriad of severe issues). Not to mention, say it was never disclosed to the innocent, wide-eyed, loving, eager, and prayerful adoptive parents that said child is a daily danger to self and others? How about the other siblings in the picture? What about their safety?

Our agency for our domestic adoption talked about Claiming Your Child quite a bit when we would discuss Sissy's serious issues with the SW's. It seemed like a diversion tactic to me by our agency, seeing as they had no solutions for her problems (other than ordering my spouse and I to attend weekly marital counseling and individual counseling both). Our agency did not offer up or support any options for keeping our family safe while continuing with finalizing the adoption (so said child could NOT be on our insurance yet, and Medicaid would not cover what she needed, and her SW would not authorize her to even GET the care she needed, let alone pay for it). Well, yes we've claimed this child(ren), but don't know that they can live in our home without someone being killed, molested, and/or harmed severely.

Any thoughts here? I have to say I feel a tad guilty when reading articles like this, because we claimed the children we adopted. That being said, even a bio child with those issues in our home would have to be removed from the home, exploring various medical and residential placement options. We absolutely would remove a bio child like that. Yes sirree.

Easter and the Alcoholic Friend

I hope everyone had a great Easter. We had a great weekend, and did things differently. It was nice, for the most part. Saturday we went to a bible study dinner potluck and egg hunt. Nice company, good food, but I felt rather out of it. I mean, this bible study group was put together for people with young children. Well, our youngest child is 9-1/2 now. With the girls gone, I felt like my kids were old enough to be the babysitters. We will continue with the group for the year, and finish that out. I know the intention of the group is to keep going for several years and we've made some really great friends. Maybe my husband and I will be the mentoring couple, or something along those lines. I mean seriously, in the egg hunt, it was 2-4yr olds. We let our 9yr old in on the hunt. What did the older boys do? They hid the eggs prior to the hunt with the adults.

Easter morning went off with a bang: All three boys and my husband yelling, swearing, and fighting over lost clothes, unironed clothes, and missing shoes. I mean seriously. Do they think yelling, fighting, and swearing will solve the problem? What about a little advance preparation (like every Saturday night)? What about just fixing the problem, not the blame. I really hate that, the old "fix the blame, not the problem" sort of scenario. I turned up my radio really loud in the bathroom, finished getting ready for church, and promptly left on time, without my family. They really should have been ashamed of themselves. I've never seen any of them behave so poorly, especially on a religious holiday. So I sat in church alone (which was fine by me). I noticed my husband and boys slink in about 5 minutes late for church. I'm so short, you can't find me in a crowd of hundreds. After church my husband asked if I want to go to WalMart with him and the boys to get summer clothes for our upcoming Disney trip. Um, ya. Right. I told all four of them I'm ashamed of them & their behavior, and that they were appalling. I drove around for a couple hours alone to clear my head. Upon my return home, the boys & husband were eating chicken nuggets & fries. Since no one was particularly hungry after that, I got to skip the whole huge Easter dinner extravaganza. Worked for me. The boys and husband all apologized to me. We then watched "Karate Kid" and had a great rest of the evening. Yesterday I made our Easter dinner, and it was delicious. The evening ended with my husband asking me to adopt again. I think I have to dedicate a whole separate post about this.

OK. So onto the story about the Alcoholic Friend. Ya know, this relationship has gone full circle so many times over the years. She and I are like sisters to each other, that we do not have biologically. We've known each other over 25 years, and have always been in consistent contact. She is a tad weird, but I've never held that against her. We've always thought, "well, that's just her." And I love her as she is. The tough part is she has mental problems and she is a recovering alcoholic. Our relationship has gone thru phases of limping, more than relating, at times. She will end up in circumstances that are deplorable, by her own poor choices. And I've had to shake off my co-dependant wardrobe, put on the healthy layer, and decline her begging, asking, and guilt-tripping me for help. Since I won't solve her problems for her or rescue her, she often went into begging for me to watch her young children endlessly, while she could go off and "solve" her own problems (solving, to her, is doing things like borrowing tons of money from relatives, or putting on a bikini & hopping in someone's boat for the day). I watched her kids for her in an emergency, and another emergency, and yet another. I lost track after a point, but was getting resentful. She has parents & grandparents who can watch the kids. I don't even have that, yet she wanted to dump her kids on me all the time. Finally push came to a shove when I declined to watch her kids once. She told a mutual friend that "Esther owes her." oh, no no no no. That about ended the friendship. Since I keep a calendar, I had record of all the times I watched her kids. I sent her a note, with all the dates I'd watched her kids (in the last year or two), and told her I don't owe her. And that I wouldn't be watching her kids anymore. We could be friends, but I'm not the free nanny. She pretty much quit asking, and my family eventually moved to another city. Completely out of her way now to make it worth her time to drop her kids off.

To get up to speed, a year or two later, without telling anyone, she went to "visit her brother out of state." While there, she actually checked herself into in-patient rehab. Good for her, but alot of us really resented her abandoning her family with no notice. She really hurt her children. She didn't even try counseling or out-patient treatment first. Personally I feel like she wanted a 5 month vacation. She was gone that long, missing one child's birthday, and all the fall/winter holidays. Thank God I didn't live close enough for her husband to ask me to take the kids. Their marriage survived, and she went back to college to earn a professional degree. She now has a 4yr degree & professional job. She confided in me that she is only with her husband because she needed someone to support her during her college days, and she will leave him when her career is making enough money. Gee, not uncomfortable or anything. I've kept her confidence, but avoid her husband. He is a louse, and she should have left him years ago. I don't say those things lightly, but he has even given her sexually transmitted diseases because he's cheated on her. He's actually done so many unthinkable things to her and in/out of their relationship, that she legally separated from him at one point. I got called by their lawyers, asking for personal affidavits about them (character witness), as they were fighting for custody of the kids. Even with my girlfriends problems, the letter I wrote about her husband makes my friend look like a saint by default. I think her husband realized with that letter/affidavit, that he had zero chance of custody of his kids. I don't know that he wants custody per se, but more than that wants to avoid paying child support. Personally, I'd like to hit them both over the head with a rolling pin.

I finally felt like she was too clingy and needed to stand on her own two feet (about a year ago). With me always there for her to complain to, I feel that's all she did. And her husband is too cheap to pay for her to go to counseling. She even now won't pay for personal or marital counseling now that she is gainfully employed.

The final straw was seeing her at the wrestling tournament last week. She seemed higher than a kite, talking about things my husband and I felt totally bizarre. She also fell off the bleacher into the aisle. For no apparent reason. She and I were talking, and next thing I knew she fell straight over to her left, sort of on her back, with legs up in the air. I strongly suspect she had been drinking. I also saw her husband, whose eyes were red & totally glazed over.

I don't want to get together with her. I feel like it's perpetuating something negative. I would like our friendship to go somewhere positive, but with an addict, it's a whole nother ball game.

Any suggestions? She wanted to get together tomorrow for lunch. At the tournament I said sure. Today I cancelled on her, with the excuse that I'm too busy this week. I'm really just buying time until I can figure out what to tell her. How do you confront something like this? There are her personal problems and addiction, which is one thing (not my business), but I truly don't have desire to be in friendship with someone like this. Even though she says I'm her best friend. I truly love her, but don't want to be around her. And I have my children to think about. I need to keep them around safe people, and set a good example for them.

Please leave me your suggestions.

Song

We found out why the 2yr old is having such a hard time at bedtime. She wants us to sing to her every night, her favorite song.

The foster parents wrote me today, stating that she asks for her song, and they have sung everything they know. 2yr old says it's not the right one.

I wrote and told them my husband sings "Puff the Magic Dragon" to the girls every night. He did that for our boys as well when they were little.

This morning I went back to the counselor. She told me to journal, review what I've been blogging about for the last several months, see how I feel about that, write what's been positive and accomplished for the girls while they were with us, read a book called "Nonviolent Communication", etc. I told her I want to compulsively eat all day, but I've fought off doing that. She told me to write down how I feel every time I want to eat. Then we will talk about all these feelings next time. Also she told me to take up a "mindless hobby, like knitting". Since when is knitting mindless? I think there's patterns and stuff. I'll be sticking with quilting and reading thanks. Although, I told her I may take a gardening class. We want to plant a vegetable garden.

I wish we could scoop up that little girl and sing to her. I'm going to go cry now.