All of Us

Today I thought I'd mention what we've all been up to. We are a family of seven, and that keeps us pretty busy.

My husband- trying to figure out what to do for Valentine's Day. I told him to skip the flowers and candy. I'd really like a professional foot massage/reflexology.

Me- getting into a new routine. I started scrapbooking and quilting again. I told a friend she'd have her baby quilts last month (I'm cringing at how tardy I am). I just got back to working on them this week. I've been walking/running almost every day. I work out for 20-25 minutes. A brisk workout, and every other day I encorporate running. I'm up to running for six minutes. I found a fostering/adopting website for our local area, which lists all sorts of conferences and training. I'm going to seriously check into all of this. Today I made petit fours for Valentines Day. This was a new project, and they turned out cute. I got the idea from Parents Magazine (could have been an old issue).

12yr old son- Enjoying wrestling. Got his chipped tooth fixed (from when he broke it during wrestling practice). Dieting to lose 3-4 pounds to "make weight". I really hate the thought of a 12yr old dieting. His weight is fine, but everyone drops down a weight class in wrestling to be competative. He's got 1/2 a pound to go so he can wrestle this week. He's taking me up on my running offer, and will start running with me this weekend. Also our 12yr old got asked out ON A DATE! Can you believe it? I told the girl's parents "no, our children need to be in the 9th or 10th grade to date". Sheesh. I mean seriously, who would drive? Who would pay? How dumb....

11yr old son- Having a great time antagonizing everyone, and doting on his 2yr old sister every waking minute of the day. Last week he hid the 12yr old's church shoes. No one noticed until it was time to go to church. They were never found, until we drove past them sitting in our bark in the front yard.

9yr old son- Busy making a "Valentine's Box" for his school Valentines party tomorrow. I bought him Sponge Bob valentines (same for 11 yr old also). He's been working on this valentines box since last Friday. I guess he thinks it's pretty important.

4yr old girl- Busy planning her 5th bday party, which is in a few weeks. She is also busy making herself puke when she's not happy. I have her clean it up and say, "that's a bummer you're throwing up. You'll need to have toast and applesauce for the rest of the day. I'm sad for you that you will miss out on Valentine's Cake tonight." She cried for quite some time over this. We already had a standing playdate this morning. When we called all the kids for snack time, she said "I'm hungry!". I gave her applesauce. The other kids had cheeseburgers & fries. It's just too damn early to start Bulemia.

2yr old -Has learned to say the phrase "Bad Choice" and tells her sister that multiple times a day. It's quite funny. She is now out of her crib and in a big girl bed.

Yesterday the girls both had part of their developmental exams at Childrens Hospital. We were disappointed because of the three appts each that they need, only the PT and OT where scheduled for yesterday. We still have to wait months for the Neurological/Cognitive/Processing/BirthDefects appt, which is where our great concern lies. Oh well. In good news, both girls test in the normal range for Fine Motor Skills, Gross Motor skills, and Occupational Therapy. As a sidenote, we mentioned the girls background, behaviors, delays, etc. while we were there. So the topic of Sensory Integration came up. The OT said two of her three daughters went to SI therapy, and she thought it did not help. She said her girls just had to outgrow their issues. Um, not really encouraging. Anyway, the therapists said our 4yr old definately needs to be seen by UW-FAS/FAE center for her issues. She has countless red flags for FAE. So they are working on that referral for us, to add to the load of our SW asking for that workup as well. In good news, Childrens Hospital says they notice NO ADD behaviors. So, that means she is selectively participating in those behaviors when it works well for her. We feel better that we can help her thru this, knowing she doesn't have full blown ADD on top of everything else she's got going on. By the way, our 4yr old is still peeing her pants at school, stayed dry at home all weekend, and peed her pants at the hospital yesterday during testing (me scratching my head). The hospital did have a great idea for us, seeing as we are stumped on if we should enroll her in kindergarten. They said to enroll her to save the spot. We can always cancel in August if she's not ready. That will take some pressure off. Now, if we can just inspire her to make better choices...........................

Calm

I have to say, things have been pretty calm around here this last week. I'm guarded but optomistic. My husband said last night, "this is what I envisioned us being and I'm really happy."

Still leaves me wondering what the heck was up for several months, beyond the obvious of lots of emotions running high with an older child adoption. Lots of standard stuff there. What I'm trying to figure out is if our daughter's crazy behavior was her biggest, largest, hardest attempt at trying to push us away? If so, I'm wondering if she has now used up her bag of tricks (for the time being) and thinks "well, after all that, they still haven't given me away."......and maybe it's given her a sense of security, comfort, wellbeing.

I realize that there are usually lots of feelings and emotions that run deep for adoptees, for their entire life. With adopting an older child, I would think that is all exemplified.

When our 4.5yr old intentionally vomited on me for two days, I have to say I was at an all time low. Emotionally, physically, mentally, rationally and I felt insecure in uncharted territory. In all honesty though, I will also say I knew it would probably kill me to give the girls up and disrupt. So I hung in there for the long haul.

I'm glad I did.

Things Could Be Looking Up..........

I'm almost afraid to say it. I think things are looking up.

Our 4yr old started daycare yesterday, and loved it. A little boy ran up to her right away wanting to play legos. So cute!! She had a good time with him until he pushed and scratched her. The daycare gave her a bandaid, which completely cheered her up. And naughty boy got the time out chair.

Two days ago, our oldest son broke a tooth at wrestling practice. He got thrown into someone's knee, face first. And they think it's fun? Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Actually I really love wrestling. Brings back good memories. One of my friends and I were "wrestling managers" after school my sophomore year in highschool. We were glorified water girls. But it was alot of fun, and some really cute guys asked us out. I mean, Some REALLY cute wrestlers asked us out. The three nicest guys I ever dated were all wrestlers. Two from highschool, and my husband. Sadly after I dated the two wrestlers, I only seemed to get asked out by idiots or jerks. Finally my husband came along (thank God). Anyway.............

I took the boy up to get his tooth fixed after I dropped off the 4yr old at daycare. The daycare calls to tell me the school only transports TO school. Sigh. Wouldn't that have been important information to know ahead of time? Fortuneately I had enough time to pick her up from school (barely). So her daycare will be T/Th 8am-noon. She will still go to school M-Th, and get a bus TO school every day, from our house and from daycare. What a huge blessing! Now I can save 40 minutes on the road, and little sister gets a decent nap.

Our 4yr old loves school and daycare. Both places give her the required amount of water, and let her go to the bathroom alot. She has kept dry pants at school, home, and daycare the last two days. I'm afraid to get my hopes up. She's stayed dry 9 days in a row before, then started wetting again. So we'll see.

In other big news, our 4yr old got invited to a birthday party. She is so excited. One of her friends from preschool invited her. This is the first birthday party she's EVER gotten invited to. So, a SUPER big deal for her. I called and RSVP'd today. In her previous life I don't think her bio family is the sort that associated with people who had nice little birthday parties. Sigh. After being taken from her family, she moved so often, she didn't have time to make friends anywhere. I'm so thrilled for our kids, all five of them, that they live with a family that is stable, we can have company over, and our kids live long enough in one place to make friends & get invited to parties.

Last night I took our 12yr old to a wrestling clinic at the highschool, after he got a mouthguard. Telling us to get a mouthguard a day or two earlier would have been helpful. Anyway, the wrestling coach at this clinic was great. He is a state champ, has a son who is a state champ (& currently in the top 20 college wrestlers in our nation), and he's coached more state champs and champion teams than anyone in our state. That's pretty good considering the coach at the highschool I graduated from is still the coach there, and they have about the best stats in the state (in the 80's thru today). He told the middle schoolers he was really proud of them for going to this gig (there were about 30+ 7th/8th graders from our district in attendance), and he was really motivational. They all worked on technique for about an hour, then he gave an inspirational speech for about 30 minutes. Basically he told the kids that you can start wrestling in middle school, continue with that & other sports to keep fit, and be a state champ, or whatever your heart desires. He also made the point that kids who smoke dope are stupid, and they don't make it very far in life. Partying hard won't get you anywhere other than being labeled as a Stoner (or Drunk). He really gave the kids some great food for thought to chew on.

I started working out yesterday. My feeble attempt. I walked hard for 20 minutes. I would like to turn this into running 20+ minutes. So today I ran/walked. Tonight I'm going to offer to our 12yr old that I will run with him every day if he likes. It will be great training for him, and help me lose weight.

And I've lost 9 pounds since Christmas. I need to figure out how to update my weight tracker in the sidebar, without having to recreate the wheel every time.

In even more good news, one of the teachers for our daughter told me to call Childrens Hospital and get on their cancellation list. This will get the girls in sooner for their neurological & developmental exams. I called today. Low and behold there is a spot for both girls this upcoming Tuesday!! Hot damn! This is far better than waiting for April to roll around.

Pissed Off

UPDATE at bottom.

I did not get to go to the conference. My husband drove home this am, and ended up in a ditch himself with his SUV and studded tires. He got out of the ditch (2 miles from our home) and had to stop for two more accidents before he got here. One accident had 7-8 cars blocking the road. They all had to push each other off the road. Then there was a 5 car accident a block up the street from that mess. Glad we are all home and our cars are not damaged.

Now, for the thing I'm pissed off about. My husband called me a "f*ckin ogre". This is because our 4yr old daughter peed her pants this morning before her nap, she didn't ask for a dry pullup (big health no-no to sit in pee), we discovered she had a full pullup a few minutes ago, and she burst into tears telling me she wanted a hug. I told her "pee in pants is wet and smelly. I'll be happy to hug you when you are dry and smell good. Feel free to go take a bath or shower to clean up."

I got that idea from several other bloggers who have adopted older children, going thru the "wetting" experience.

So, what does my husband do? He says "Jesus God. You are a f*ckin ogre". Swell. AND he scoops up the 4yr old (she's almost 5) and hugs and smothers her in affection.

I never said I wouldn't hug her. I gave her a natural consequence for her actions. My husband already thinks it's consequence enough to be in pullups and diapers. I think she needs a gentle reality check, in several aspects of natural consequences, if they apply to the situation. I told my husband "there are lots of consequences to say, being an alcoholic." It's just so. I'm not trying to punish her, but open her eyes to the consequences of her actions.

In the meantime, our daughter is crying profusely into my husband's chest because I won't hug her (since she hasn't bathed yet).

I told her "Well, how about if I wet my pants, and ask you to come sit on my lap and give me a hug? How would that be?" She screams "NOT GOOD!" Well, there you have it. I told her I feel the same way, but I'm more than happy to hug her when she's cleaned up.

Mainly I worry that she has the naive view that this can continue with willy nilly consequences (pullups and diapers), and she thinks the rest of the world is fine with this behavior. I feel it's my job to open her eyes. We have told her countless times that if she pees her pants in kindergarten, kids will make fun of her. We haven't told her this to be mean, but to give her a glimpse of social consequences to her actions. Already she's at the point now where people at church don't want to deal with her in the preschool class. Sigh................
Makes me feel warm and fuzzy, but that's another story entirely.

So what do you think? Think I'm a f*ckin ogre for being straight up with her, telling her I would be more than happy to hug her after a bath and clean clothes? Please weigh in.

UPDATE: We found out she peed her pants this am, just before we sat down to dinner. So, not a real opportune time. But what is with kids? Before today, she's had numerous meltdowns with discovery of her peeing her pants, and once or twice she asked for a hug. I told "no, not at this time". I didn't want her to feel rewarded for peeing her pants, and I didn't want to hug her then and have her use that as a way to manipulate getting hugs. So today I thought I'd go a step further and say I'd hug her after she cleaned up.

Today's Update

We took our daughter to her doctor appt. With no notice, our doc has decided to not take her variety of medicaid any longer. They turned us away. So why the hell did he allow the appt to be booked? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I then called the PCP on her medical card. Their office is closed today. So I called her health insurance. They told me to go to the ER.

So off we went to the ER. A five hour trip included:
urine sample, 6 xrays, the xray crew gathering more and more people to come look at how backed up her poop looks in the xrays (Real mature....NOT!), then a several hour wait to hear that there is NO impacting, and NO obstruction. She's just holding it in. Which was confirmed additionally as they gave her an enema. I was told that this is pretty rare that a kid will hold in an enema. She didn't go until my husband put her on a commode, and said she had to sit there until she pooped. She did it kicking, screaming, crying, etc., only to produce a tiny amount of really soft slimy poop. It's not a physical impairment for her to poop. She just doesn't want to. Also, she doesn't have huge hard poop, which would be painful to pass. This is entirely all in her head (& soul). I confirmed repeatedly with the staff, and they said she feels like holding it in no matter what, but we have to move it along.

Soooooooooooooooo, we picked up her prescription 2day supply of suppositories, and went home. I'm to give her Miralax 3 times a day, a teaspoon. That is more than Childrens Hospital had her on for maintenance. I'm hoping that will help. We also have to have a PCP follow up appt Friday. Now, this is at the walkin clinic that takes all medicaid. Waiting there for five hours Friday should be about as fun as a colonoscopy. Or jabbing a fork in my eye.

So many people have told me this is her control issue. Well, that's great and all, but she's harming her health in the process. A developmentally delayed kid is really hard to communicate with about anything they don't care about. I realize she didn't control being taken from her parents. I realize she didn't control being placed with us. And life is not fair. She will have to come to terms with alot. The good news is, she does control a whole hell of alot of her day. She is given countless choices every hour. Yea, that's not good enough for her. Well, she's going to have to change her idea of "ideal". We all are. We are the parents here, not her.

I'm forcing the issue harder. I took all her toys out of her room. They are downstairs in the family room. She can only have tv/video time and play with her toys, treats and priviledge choices, if she poops at least once a day. For her health, we are being ordered to strongly force the issue

I can't spank her. I can't do much of anything really, other than to change what I'm doing here. I'm totally revolted that I have to deal with shit all day. I guess I have to tell myself, "this too shall pass." Hopefully it will pass before she naively harms her own body.

It's a Miracle

The first couple days on this laxative were hell for our daughter. The first day left her with severe gas, and a belly bloated like a starving Ethiopian child. Day two (yesterday) left her on the toilet most of the day, even while we were at preschool. Last night after the "flood" came out from within her, a new child emerged. A miracle has happened. Or at least I feel that way. And my family seconds that vote. Including our 4yr old.

Last night, our 4yr old said she has always been in pain, as long as she can remember. She described it as "feeling like she had to throw up", belly hurting, back hurting. Always. Yesterday she was pain-free for the first time in her memory. She is a loving, hugging, running, dancing, affectionate, laughing, giggling, silly little 4yr old girl. She went to bed last night saying she wants to change her name. She legally has two middle names, and now she would like that to be her first & middle name. At birth she was named "x" "yz". Now she wants to be known as "y" for her first name, with "z" as her middle name. She says she hates that "x" person and doesn't want to be that person anymore. So we are calling her "y", although it's hard to remember.

She is loving being a new person. And we can tell.

I went to bed crying last night. Tears of joy. Pure Joy.

As an added perk, she has gone from the girl having trouble attaching to me, to the girl who thinks I'm the miracle worker for taking her to the hospital. She is on me like white on rice. And I'm loving every minute of it.

I'm off to make Gingersnap cookies with her. This is something special on her new diet. An approved snack.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Diagnosis

Today I took our 4yr(almost 5yrs) old to our standing Monday counseling appt. We've been doing this for over three months. At the prodding of the PCIT teacher, I asked the counselor today what diagnose(s) we are looking at for our daughter. Hold onto your hat:

Brain Damage-permanent (due to trauma, neglect, and/or FAS/FAE)
Developmental Delay-permanent (due to trauma, neglect, and/or FAS/FAE)
Attachment Issues (not RAD)
ADD (meds will help)

She also feels our daughter has FAS/FAE, but she is not qualified to diagnose that. She is looking for other hospitals in our state that can evaluate that so we can have this diagnosed before the seven month wait for UW. She feels FAS/FAE answers all our questions about our daughters delays, problems, behaviors, emotions, conversations, etc. She said she would be shocked if she doesn't get a FAS/FAE diagnosis. That would be great, but shocking.

Additionally she feels our daughter has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but the DSM-IV changed and has a new requirement: daily flashbacks, which our daughter does not have. But she does have PTSD according to the old diagnosis. Also she feels she has multiple personality tendencies, but that can't be diagnosed until an older age. There's another clinical name now for multiple personalities, and I forget the name. She said to have full blown multiple personalities, you have to have one personality that is deviant, destructive, and not attached to anyone. She feels our daughter is bonded with me and her sister, so feels it's "only" multiple personality tendencies.

I'm not surprised at some of this, but I'm shocked at other aspects.

This counselor has had some recent unpleasant conversations with the state SW. He is not pushing for diagnosis(es) because if those go on her permanent record, and we disrupt, there's about a 99% chance she will never be adopted. There's not droves of people waiting in line to adopt a kid with all these medical/health/emotional/behavior permanent issues. So they want us to finalize the adoption before there are any diagnosis. Wrong pal. The counselor told this guy to get honest, and we are entitled to that. We are also entitled to the state paying for all her medical bills (and surrounding issues) once she is diagnosed, so we have to get the evals done before adoption finalization. My husband and I want our daughter provided for in as many ways as possible. Medicaid doesn't cover everything, so we need to have her evals done and the state issue permanent funding. I'm not even sure at this point if that's thru Social Security or grants, but it has to get taken care of. I shudder at the thought of dealing with SS over all this.

I'm going to put the girls down and take a nap myself. I'm a little overwhelmed. I may not have written in coherant sentances above.