Yes, my son needed meds for many many years, IMHO. However, it took until late 2007 to get the bipolar & ADD/ADHD diagnosis. With that, the doctors suggested only addressing one medical issue at a time thru meds. We felt the bipolar was the more pressing, so medicated that first, starting in 2008. Gave it a good long time, watched for side affects and negative reactions thru bloodwork. It was all a go. Went to annual physical a few weeks ago, and all discussed adding ADD/ADHD meds on board. We all went for it. Sadly, in our state of WA, a child is in charge of their mental health plan as of age 14. It's appalling and I have no idea who to beat over the head for that rule! But it is what it is. We literally cannot force him to take a single pill. It has to be his choice, and his doing, with his doctor (he's 14). Another thing that did not help is that my spouse thought and believed for over a decade that my son's problems were just a sign of my failure as a parent. Our marriage is still recovering from that. It's a long road. Dealing with a child like this, and a spouse like that. But, we are moving forward.
I do not know an exhaustive list of Tourette's symptoms. My sons are facial/motor ticks and screaming outbursts. He has sworn maybe once ever. He just freaks out and screams uncontrollably, verbally. Too much for a teacher or parent to deal with, unmedicated.
Showing posts with label ADHD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ADHD. Show all posts
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Favorite Blogger in Town
I'm so excited. My all time favorite blogger buddy is in town. We are meeting up today, going cycling (I have two of everything, including bikes), and seeing the sites of Seattle. Any guesses as to who is visiting? One hint: I visited her in the summer of 2007 when we testified in her state in a lawsuit. Don & Be, you are my favorite Blogger couple. When ya gonna come to town?
By the way my 14yr old started ADD/ADHD meds. It's been a miracle. He says he feels so much smarter. We think that translates to, he can focus at home and school, and can make good decisions (most of the time). That is a HUGE improvement. This is the ticket. This is his "stay out of jail" card. Not kidding. It's that much of an improvement for him. We also have doubled the mood stabilizing meds for our 10yr old (Aspergers, Tourette's), seeing as his Tourette's outbursts increased substantially last week. Going much better now that the extra meds have kicked in. Always exiting around here...............
By the way my 14yr old started ADD/ADHD meds. It's been a miracle. He says he feels so much smarter. We think that translates to, he can focus at home and school, and can make good decisions (most of the time). That is a HUGE improvement. This is the ticket. This is his "stay out of jail" card. Not kidding. It's that much of an improvement for him. We also have doubled the mood stabilizing meds for our 10yr old (Aspergers, Tourette's), seeing as his Tourette's outbursts increased substantially last week. Going much better now that the extra meds have kicked in. Always exiting around here...............
Sunday, February 8, 2009
So Where Have I Been?
Well, happy New Year and all. Been on sabbatical. I ran out of things to write. Been tired and thru a few wars with my 13yr old. Called the police on him three times in the last couple months. Too tired to write about it. Use your imagination. The final time I told my husband that alot of these problems could be alleviated if my husband actually parented. We went to counseling, and lo and behold, the counselor told my husband his head is up his ass. Husband is starting to parent, require the boys respect me and follow rules. Also, 13 yr old boy is a couple days shy of being 14, when in our state you can be formally arrested and have criminal charges brought. Honestly, I'd leave him in jail as long as they'd let me. Show up at the arraignment. That's what professional advice has supported also. So, Boy knows his bluff has been called, I'm not afraid to use a phone to call 911.
In other news, I thoroughly love my job. As an odd strange set of events unfolded, I was offered a long term sub spot in a highly capable class at our local high school. This is probably the only teacher assistant job in a highly capable class. I was floored. It's a business class that is too large for one teacher. Did I say business, as in accounting? yes. This is so up my alley, and I thoroughly enjoy every day of class. And the kids. And the head teacher. It's a dream job, and I'm enjoying it as long as it lasts. This is at the local high school my kids will attend. Which leads me to work with my children's athletic coaches. I spoke with two of them recently because they coach at my sons middle school. Told them how crappy it's been going, getting the police involved and all. Told them I didn't want to sign up my son for wrestling. They asked how he does when he's in sports. Honestly I think his behavior is better because he's too tired to cause as much trouble after a two hour athletic practice, five days a week. The coach said "put him in wrestling. Call me every week. If he's disrespectful, he doesn't get to wrestle at that weeks match." Music to my ears. So, within 24 hr of the last police episode, I had this run-in with the coach, and I shared (while trying to contain my glee) with my son and husband. I explained there are real life consequences to actions. We're a little past time-out and such at this point. My son started wrestling two weeks ago, and his coach said up front that he is not wrestling in the first match of the year since he hit his mother. I am in love.
I will add too, that some additional real life consequences did not work for this son recently, as he was hitting me in public and a school bus of his peers drove by. He then ran away. Long story. He is back and living here. But suffice it to say, he came home crying from school the next day and was crying. I asked why. "Half the school is calling me a douche bag because that school bus of kids saw me hitting my mom." Ah yes, that will happen. More music to my ears.
Now truly I am broken hearted that it has to get to this point. But seriously, I cannot express how thankful that these real world consequences are setting in. Takes the heat off me (cause he just thinks I'm a crazy bitch for wanting say, oh, to get thru a week without calling the police on him).
As a final note, I read a great comment over on the Hoover mom's blog (she's in my sidebar). A mom, Lisa, commented on her concerns about her kids turning out 95% like their bio parents. All the worries and troubles that this envisions. I understand the concern is great. I wrote this comment in response:
"I wanted to respond to a great comment you left over there. Actually you have several great comments, very smart & well thought out. You were discussing how kids are gonna turn out 95% like their bio parents and such. I came from a nightmare home. Can't believe I wasn't taken from my parents. My dad is an addict, and my mom is developmentally delayed and physically disabled (although, that could be a ruse, just to trick the rest into not expecting anything of her). I turned out to be delightful, smart, responsible, and college educated. This was difficult to say the least, with the lack of intelligence and support in my family of origin. I had to grow up parenting the parents. Got a clue when I was 20, moved out, never looked back. I got a bachelors degree in business and accounting from the University of WA, worked as a corporate accountant for many years, have raised three boys (two of which are special needs), been thru international adoption, and our local DSHS domestic adoption processes. I thoroughly benefit from ongoing counseling. I'm lucky that's all I need, considering my biological family. I do not allow my dad any contact with me or my family. My mom, well, I keep her on the outskirts. I refuse to take care of her since I did it my whole childhood. So she lives in Government subsidized Senior Disability Housing. Works for all of us. Anyway, feel free to connect with me. I'm an adult who survived an unthinkable upbringing. I could be the minority, but it does happen. I'm not a criminal, psychopath, sociopath, or trouble maker. I may have a big mouth, but I'm pretty harmless."
Really for me, I have to draw the line at safety, sexual abuse, crime. Those are the reasons I've gotten the state and police involved with our kids whether it's for bio kids or adopted kids. And sometimes it's not best for kids to continue to live in the same home if others are in danger. Sometimes it can be worked out. But as far as the health and educational needs of kids, I know the heartache all too well also. I'll post more soon about our youngest. I've gotten him into Children's Hospital lately for some permanent health issues. To add to his alphabet soup of diagnoses, we have now added Tourette's syndrome.
Truth is stranger than fiction I've come to believe.
Hope you are all well and prospering. I keep up on the blogs I read, just comment rarely. Blessings to you, Esther
In other news, I thoroughly love my job. As an odd strange set of events unfolded, I was offered a long term sub spot in a highly capable class at our local high school. This is probably the only teacher assistant job in a highly capable class. I was floored. It's a business class that is too large for one teacher. Did I say business, as in accounting? yes. This is so up my alley, and I thoroughly enjoy every day of class. And the kids. And the head teacher. It's a dream job, and I'm enjoying it as long as it lasts. This is at the local high school my kids will attend. Which leads me to work with my children's athletic coaches. I spoke with two of them recently because they coach at my sons middle school. Told them how crappy it's been going, getting the police involved and all. Told them I didn't want to sign up my son for wrestling. They asked how he does when he's in sports. Honestly I think his behavior is better because he's too tired to cause as much trouble after a two hour athletic practice, five days a week. The coach said "put him in wrestling. Call me every week. If he's disrespectful, he doesn't get to wrestle at that weeks match." Music to my ears. So, within 24 hr of the last police episode, I had this run-in with the coach, and I shared (while trying to contain my glee) with my son and husband. I explained there are real life consequences to actions. We're a little past time-out and such at this point. My son started wrestling two weeks ago, and his coach said up front that he is not wrestling in the first match of the year since he hit his mother. I am in love.
I will add too, that some additional real life consequences did not work for this son recently, as he was hitting me in public and a school bus of his peers drove by. He then ran away. Long story. He is back and living here. But suffice it to say, he came home crying from school the next day and was crying. I asked why. "Half the school is calling me a douche bag because that school bus of kids saw me hitting my mom." Ah yes, that will happen. More music to my ears.
Now truly I am broken hearted that it has to get to this point. But seriously, I cannot express how thankful that these real world consequences are setting in. Takes the heat off me (cause he just thinks I'm a crazy bitch for wanting say, oh, to get thru a week without calling the police on him).
As a final note, I read a great comment over on the Hoover mom's blog (she's in my sidebar). A mom, Lisa, commented on her concerns about her kids turning out 95% like their bio parents. All the worries and troubles that this envisions. I understand the concern is great. I wrote this comment in response:
"I wanted to respond to a great comment you left over there. Actually you have several great comments, very smart & well thought out. You were discussing how kids are gonna turn out 95% like their bio parents and such. I came from a nightmare home. Can't believe I wasn't taken from my parents. My dad is an addict, and my mom is developmentally delayed and physically disabled (although, that could be a ruse, just to trick the rest into not expecting anything of her). I turned out to be delightful, smart, responsible, and college educated. This was difficult to say the least, with the lack of intelligence and support in my family of origin. I had to grow up parenting the parents. Got a clue when I was 20, moved out, never looked back. I got a bachelors degree in business and accounting from the University of WA, worked as a corporate accountant for many years, have raised three boys (two of which are special needs), been thru international adoption, and our local DSHS domestic adoption processes. I thoroughly benefit from ongoing counseling. I'm lucky that's all I need, considering my biological family. I do not allow my dad any contact with me or my family. My mom, well, I keep her on the outskirts. I refuse to take care of her since I did it my whole childhood. So she lives in Government subsidized Senior Disability Housing. Works for all of us. Anyway, feel free to connect with me. I'm an adult who survived an unthinkable upbringing. I could be the minority, but it does happen. I'm not a criminal, psychopath, sociopath, or trouble maker. I may have a big mouth, but I'm pretty harmless."
Really for me, I have to draw the line at safety, sexual abuse, crime. Those are the reasons I've gotten the state and police involved with our kids whether it's for bio kids or adopted kids. And sometimes it's not best for kids to continue to live in the same home if others are in danger. Sometimes it can be worked out. But as far as the health and educational needs of kids, I know the heartache all too well also. I'll post more soon about our youngest. I've gotten him into Children's Hospital lately for some permanent health issues. To add to his alphabet soup of diagnoses, we have now added Tourette's syndrome.
Truth is stranger than fiction I've come to believe.
Hope you are all well and prospering. I keep up on the blogs I read, just comment rarely. Blessings to you, Esther
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
The Sheriff Said to Beat Our Son's Ass
Today I'm uncharacteristically tired. Maybe it's par for the course considering all that has happened this last week.
The good news is, work is wonderful. I've been subbing pretty much every day, and I love it. Did I mention how much I love it? I really have a particular fondness for the older kids, junior high and high school. I took myself off the sub list for the 19-21yr old students. A few are sweet, but alot are there because they have not passed the WASL (standardized state testing), so they cannot get their diploma, they are there trying to study to get a food handlers license. These kids along with some of the severely mentally retarded leave too big of a chance of getting violent with me. Chairs are thrown, kids run away (& the policy is to chase them down), they manhandle the staff. The staff is just supposed to deal with it. I already have a permanent spine injury and disc issues. Not going to chance worsening that. All of these "kids" are far bigger than me for the most part. I discussed it with the district and my DH. Best for me to choose to not sub there. Other than that, I LOVE WORK! And to boot, I can ride my bike to work at several of the locations. Love that.
Now for the meat of the post. I thought things were going so well with the kids meds. Until last Thursday. Just because I asked our 13yr old (who is bipolar & has ADHD) to pick up dog poo, this set off a chain of actions that were just ridiculous. This was in the morning before school, so DH not around. Much defiance, not gonna clean up dog poo off the carpet. He does not like the consequences I throw down. So he then throws about half a bottle of carpet cleaner (gallon bottle) over a five foot section of the carpet (the dog poo covered a few inches). I tell him he will have to miss out on allowance to pay for the cleaner he just wasted. The younger two kids went to school. The 13yr old starts threatening me. I call DH. He says "why do you let it get this far out of hand?" I said "fuck off" (not my finest Titus Woman moment) and hung up on him. Boy is still threatening me and refusing to get in the car for school. I called the police. I stayed on the phone with them, waiting for the cop to show up, so they could hear the boy threatening me and screaming. I wanted it on record. The boy is threatening me and wanting to call dad (like that will rescue him?). He grabs another phone, but it will not work for him since I'm on the same line with the police. He tries my cell, but this has never worked at my home because we live in the boonies. For the coup de graw, he jumps me and takes the phone away, running away from home. Calls his dad. I took my cell, locked him out of the house, and drove down the street to call the police back. Big mistake to jump me to get the phone. Not regretting calling the police one bit.
Reminder: this is all because he was told to clean up dog poo.
DH came home from work, I pulled in right after him, then the sheriff got here. Son came home once he saw dad and sat at the dining room table. The sheriff came in with bullet proof vest and hand on his gun. I now have a crush on the sheriff, but that's another story. I briefed the sheriff on the situation, including the fact that the boy is bipolar & ADHD. Not an excuse for his behavior, but disclosing the facts. Then here's how the conversation went:
Sheriff: Do you beat your son?
us: nope
Sheriff: Do you slap him across the face.
us: nope
Sheriff: WELL WHY THE HELL NOT?
me: the boy is bigger and faster than me, and I don't want CPS taking all my kids because we spank and discipline harshly the one who is really out of control.
Sheriff (looking at my husband): What's wrong with you? If my son treated my wife like that, I'd beat his ass. (Sheriff looking at boy): Boy, if you talk to me that way I'll throw you on a wall and beat you. If I see you in public treating me or your mom that way, I'm going to beat your ass and throw you in jail.
Oh, I heart the sheriff. He ripped my DH and DS up one side and down the other. Sheriff is proceeding to nail my son to a cross. He asks my son if he's peeing his pants yet. Son says "no". Sheriff says "well, then you can control yourself. You just choose to treat your mom this way. You are lazy. You have no idea what a well kept extravagant home you live in here, and you think it's all not good enough. Try running away again. Your parents can change the locks, report you as a runaway (so they are not charged with neglect and abandonment), and you'll be in a gutter peeing & pooping your pants, starving. No one will care about you. The only ones who care are your parents." This went on 30-40 minutes. It was awesome.
We told the sheriff we do not spank because in our state you can have ALL your kids taken away for that. Told him I feel castrated as a parent. He shook his head and said basically the schools misinform people, telling kids they have all these rights and that they, as kids, can call CPS for protection when kids don't like what is going on at home. Truly tragic for the parents merely setting boundaries and consequences. The schools don't tell the kids that they need to call CPS for ABUSE. They fail to inform the kids that they can't call CPS just because they got their iPod taken away. He proceeds to hand us a copy of our state laws on spanking. Here is what the law says for the state of WA:
USE OF FORCE ON CHILDREN
rcw9a.16.100 Use of force on children--policy-actions presumed unreasonable
It is the policy of this state to protect children from assault and abuse and to encourage parents, teachers and their authorized agents to use methods of correction and restraint of children that are not dangerous to the children.
HOWEVER, the physical discipline of a child is not unlawful when it is reasonable and moderate and is inflicted by a parent, teacher or guardian for the purpose of restraining or correcting the child.
Any use of force on a child by any other person is unlawful unless ti is reasonable and moderate and is authorized in advance by the child's parent or guardian for the purpose of restraining or correcting the child.
***The following actions are presumed unreasonable when used to correct or restrain a child:
1. throwing, kicking, burning, or cutting a child
2. striking a child with a closed fist
3. shaking a child under three
4. interfering with a child's breathing
5. threatening a child with a deadly weapon
6. doing any other act that is likely to cause and which does cause bodily harm
greater than a transient pain or minor temporary marks.
"The age, size, and condition of the child and the location of the injury shall be considered when determining whether the bodily harm is reasonable or moderate. This list is illustrative of unreasonable actions and is not intended to be exclusive."
SO, we asked what are appropriate means of disciplining the child that will not have CPS entering the picture. He said if it was one of his six kids, he'd have our son running lines until he passes out or pukes, spanked with a paddle, take the bedroom door off the hinges, keep calling the police to keep a record going, and defend myself. Alot of this will be handed down by my DH considering the boy is larger than me. The sheriff left us with the remark that I'm the boss of the boy. If the boy doesn't like that, than the sheriff will be the boss of the boy. The boy only gets this one warning, and it is on record at that. Next time I call the police, he'll go to juvie hall (under age 14) or jail (age 14 and older). At the jail, I can press charges, then the boy will be sent to juvie to await a hearing and sentencing.
This has really taken a toll on me. To further it all, I decided to sign up for a self-defense course. Unfortunately there are none around here. But I found some down at UW, and I will be taking the classes (January). If the boy jumps me again, he'll regret it. Hopefully he'll be able to have children when I'm done taking him down.
I'm struggling with this as well because my DH thinks I should just be able to magically put up with all this, magically keep the boy in order, denies the notion that the boy has bipolar disorder despite three shrinks and our PCP agreeing with diagnosis. This is hard on our marriage. He told me if I get the boy thrown in jail, he'll divorce me (if I get the boy thrown in jail? uh, it's the boys actions that would get him thrown in jail). I told him if he can't support me, him divorcing me would be a gift. Apparently he supports me because he's spanked the boy twice since Thursday. He is not supportive of me taking the self defense classes. sigh........
Let's hope things are looking up from here!! I'm still a #1 supporter and promoter of Love and Logic parenting. The boy got kicked off the school bus for three days a couple weeks ago (for dangerous behavior). I told the school my DH will drive him in the morning because it's dark, but the boy can walk his butt home every day. All six miles. I think he now thinks the bus is alot more fun than walking home. Just because the kids create a problem, doesn't mean I have to be punished. I told the principal I would prefer if they did not suspend kids, but instead had them wash busses at the bus barn in 40 degree weather for four days. But I'm sure the school district is not interested in Love and Logic parenting..............
The good news is, work is wonderful. I've been subbing pretty much every day, and I love it. Did I mention how much I love it? I really have a particular fondness for the older kids, junior high and high school. I took myself off the sub list for the 19-21yr old students. A few are sweet, but alot are there because they have not passed the WASL (standardized state testing), so they cannot get their diploma, they are there trying to study to get a food handlers license. These kids along with some of the severely mentally retarded leave too big of a chance of getting violent with me. Chairs are thrown, kids run away (& the policy is to chase them down), they manhandle the staff. The staff is just supposed to deal with it. I already have a permanent spine injury and disc issues. Not going to chance worsening that. All of these "kids" are far bigger than me for the most part. I discussed it with the district and my DH. Best for me to choose to not sub there. Other than that, I LOVE WORK! And to boot, I can ride my bike to work at several of the locations. Love that.
Now for the meat of the post. I thought things were going so well with the kids meds. Until last Thursday. Just because I asked our 13yr old (who is bipolar & has ADHD) to pick up dog poo, this set off a chain of actions that were just ridiculous. This was in the morning before school, so DH not around. Much defiance, not gonna clean up dog poo off the carpet. He does not like the consequences I throw down. So he then throws about half a bottle of carpet cleaner (gallon bottle) over a five foot section of the carpet (the dog poo covered a few inches). I tell him he will have to miss out on allowance to pay for the cleaner he just wasted. The younger two kids went to school. The 13yr old starts threatening me. I call DH. He says "why do you let it get this far out of hand?" I said "fuck off" (not my finest Titus Woman moment) and hung up on him. Boy is still threatening me and refusing to get in the car for school. I called the police. I stayed on the phone with them, waiting for the cop to show up, so they could hear the boy threatening me and screaming. I wanted it on record. The boy is threatening me and wanting to call dad (like that will rescue him?). He grabs another phone, but it will not work for him since I'm on the same line with the police. He tries my cell, but this has never worked at my home because we live in the boonies. For the coup de graw, he jumps me and takes the phone away, running away from home. Calls his dad. I took my cell, locked him out of the house, and drove down the street to call the police back. Big mistake to jump me to get the phone. Not regretting calling the police one bit.
Reminder: this is all because he was told to clean up dog poo.
DH came home from work, I pulled in right after him, then the sheriff got here. Son came home once he saw dad and sat at the dining room table. The sheriff came in with bullet proof vest and hand on his gun. I now have a crush on the sheriff, but that's another story. I briefed the sheriff on the situation, including the fact that the boy is bipolar & ADHD. Not an excuse for his behavior, but disclosing the facts. Then here's how the conversation went:
Sheriff: Do you beat your son?
us: nope
Sheriff: Do you slap him across the face.
us: nope
Sheriff: WELL WHY THE HELL NOT?
me: the boy is bigger and faster than me, and I don't want CPS taking all my kids because we spank and discipline harshly the one who is really out of control.
Sheriff (looking at my husband): What's wrong with you? If my son treated my wife like that, I'd beat his ass. (Sheriff looking at boy): Boy, if you talk to me that way I'll throw you on a wall and beat you. If I see you in public treating me or your mom that way, I'm going to beat your ass and throw you in jail.
Oh, I heart the sheriff. He ripped my DH and DS up one side and down the other. Sheriff is proceeding to nail my son to a cross. He asks my son if he's peeing his pants yet. Son says "no". Sheriff says "well, then you can control yourself. You just choose to treat your mom this way. You are lazy. You have no idea what a well kept extravagant home you live in here, and you think it's all not good enough. Try running away again. Your parents can change the locks, report you as a runaway (so they are not charged with neglect and abandonment), and you'll be in a gutter peeing & pooping your pants, starving. No one will care about you. The only ones who care are your parents." This went on 30-40 minutes. It was awesome.
We told the sheriff we do not spank because in our state you can have ALL your kids taken away for that. Told him I feel castrated as a parent. He shook his head and said basically the schools misinform people, telling kids they have all these rights and that they, as kids, can call CPS for protection when kids don't like what is going on at home. Truly tragic for the parents merely setting boundaries and consequences. The schools don't tell the kids that they need to call CPS for ABUSE. They fail to inform the kids that they can't call CPS just because they got their iPod taken away. He proceeds to hand us a copy of our state laws on spanking. Here is what the law says for the state of WA:
USE OF FORCE ON CHILDREN
rcw9a.16.100 Use of force on children--policy-actions presumed unreasonable
It is the policy of this state to protect children from assault and abuse and to encourage parents, teachers and their authorized agents to use methods of correction and restraint of children that are not dangerous to the children.
HOWEVER, the physical discipline of a child is not unlawful when it is reasonable and moderate and is inflicted by a parent, teacher or guardian for the purpose of restraining or correcting the child.
Any use of force on a child by any other person is unlawful unless ti is reasonable and moderate and is authorized in advance by the child's parent or guardian for the purpose of restraining or correcting the child.
***The following actions are presumed unreasonable when used to correct or restrain a child:
1. throwing, kicking, burning, or cutting a child
2. striking a child with a closed fist
3. shaking a child under three
4. interfering with a child's breathing
5. threatening a child with a deadly weapon
6. doing any other act that is likely to cause and which does cause bodily harm
greater than a transient pain or minor temporary marks.
"The age, size, and condition of the child and the location of the injury shall be considered when determining whether the bodily harm is reasonable or moderate. This list is illustrative of unreasonable actions and is not intended to be exclusive."
SO, we asked what are appropriate means of disciplining the child that will not have CPS entering the picture. He said if it was one of his six kids, he'd have our son running lines until he passes out or pukes, spanked with a paddle, take the bedroom door off the hinges, keep calling the police to keep a record going, and defend myself. Alot of this will be handed down by my DH considering the boy is larger than me. The sheriff left us with the remark that I'm the boss of the boy. If the boy doesn't like that, than the sheriff will be the boss of the boy. The boy only gets this one warning, and it is on record at that. Next time I call the police, he'll go to juvie hall (under age 14) or jail (age 14 and older). At the jail, I can press charges, then the boy will be sent to juvie to await a hearing and sentencing.
This has really taken a toll on me. To further it all, I decided to sign up for a self-defense course. Unfortunately there are none around here. But I found some down at UW, and I will be taking the classes (January). If the boy jumps me again, he'll regret it. Hopefully he'll be able to have children when I'm done taking him down.
I'm struggling with this as well because my DH thinks I should just be able to magically put up with all this, magically keep the boy in order, denies the notion that the boy has bipolar disorder despite three shrinks and our PCP agreeing with diagnosis. This is hard on our marriage. He told me if I get the boy thrown in jail, he'll divorce me (if I get the boy thrown in jail? uh, it's the boys actions that would get him thrown in jail). I told him if he can't support me, him divorcing me would be a gift. Apparently he supports me because he's spanked the boy twice since Thursday. He is not supportive of me taking the self defense classes. sigh........
Let's hope things are looking up from here!! I'm still a #1 supporter and promoter of Love and Logic parenting. The boy got kicked off the school bus for three days a couple weeks ago (for dangerous behavior). I told the school my DH will drive him in the morning because it's dark, but the boy can walk his butt home every day. All six miles. I think he now thinks the bus is alot more fun than walking home. Just because the kids create a problem, doesn't mean I have to be punished. I told the principal I would prefer if they did not suspend kids, but instead had them wash busses at the bus barn in 40 degree weather for four days. But I'm sure the school district is not interested in Love and Logic parenting..............
Friday, September 19, 2008
I'm a Roadie
I feel like there are so many things going on in my life, each deserving their own blog entry. Ever have so much happen in a day, week, month like that? Sheesh. I'll try to briefly hit the topics, and discuss further later:
1. I have still not heard back about the job. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.............I called the agency today. The client did not like the other two candidates, and I am their front runner. So why the holdup?
2. Both sons improving a bit on meds. Thank God. People with perfectly healthy children have no idea what it is like to live in the chaos of a home with 2 bipolar children. By last night I was so drained I told everyone I was on Sick Leave for the evening. Seriously too tired & beat up emotionally do anything other than get off my butt.
3. I've signed up to volunteer at a Women's Shelter & Halfway House. The director wants me to tutor, mentor, live there to supervise, and lead bible studies. She wants more than I can give at the moment. So we are working something out. I will not be living there.
4. I started attending a bible study & program thru church on Mentoring. It will normally be Tues pm. It's offered Thurs am as well. First meeting yesterday. Great group. Essentially it's about being a Titus Woman. I will feel more comfortable volunteering at the Women's home after the mentoring class is over. I feel I need the training and education on resources.
5. Monday & Tuesday I dealt with an abandoned vehicle in my yard. Who parks their car, head in, in someone else's driveway? We assumed they were drunk or high. After waiting 14hrs for the owner to appear, Monday I had it towed. The tabs were expired since February, so I didn't feel comfortable letting it sit like that in my yard. Tuesday I had to deal with the asinine neighbor who it turns out, left their car in my yard! What a moron. Said it was their teen. Um, OK. Everyone has to pass my house after they enter the development. How could neither parent notice their son's car in my yard for 14hrs? Maybe they are high as well. So they turn up Tuesday all belligerent about us towing the vehicle. I wrote them a pretty stern letter. They came by to apologize yesterday. I was quite surprised. I think that takes alot to apologize.
6. Yesterday learned a dear sweet beautiful friend of mine has breast, lung, and liver cancer. I found this out at bible study, and cried when I heard. I'm 38. She's my age. How on earth do these things happen? I rarely ask "why Lord" because I figure after all the suffering on earth, we will die and see that heaven is just that much more glorious. In the mean time, good grief. Her son is a year older than my oldest, and we've spent much time at their sporting events together. Not to mention church & bible study. I called her yesterday & left a message asking if I could bring them meals each week. I have not heard back. Hopefully she'll be well enough to return a call soon. Then I think, what else could I do to help? Clean her bathrooms? Teach her 9th grade son to cook? Help with errands? I want her to know how much she is loved, and how much God's people care for her.
7. My husband told me two nights ago that he wants to adopt again. My first reaction was to burst into tears. Apparently I need to work thru grief a bit more! To rewind, our agency did say they would be more than happy to place a child with us after we had time to go to grief counseling & wait at least six months. It's been 7 months. We'll see.................
8. I went to my second post-op appt for my eyes. Doing pretty well. The left eye is still a black eye, so he said no makeup for one more week. ARGH!
9. Hit a great sale at a local nursery. Adding two more rows of berries (gooseberries & more blueberries).
10. I'm now a roadie. Or a biker chick. Not sure. You decide. One of my best friends missed our 20yr reunion. Only 55+ folks came out of our class of almost 300 graduates. Many people communicated to me that it was too expensive ($90-95) for the formal affair. And many told me they were not interested in a formal affair. So, my friend "C" and I decided, hey, why don't we organize something cheap, casual, and local. I heard one of our classmates owns a bar. We went to visit him there and eat some lunch. It's a roadhouse. I'm rarely even in a bar (maybe once every 20 yrs!), let alone a roadhouse! It was surprisingly decent, large, and the food is excellent. He is offering a no cover charge night for our classmates, and providing a dinner for $10/head. So I organized the whole thing thru Evite, sent that out plus 15 snail mails. We are off and running. I put in the Evite that friends don't let friends drive drunk. We have three options on that: I will be a designated driver for the first 6 people to sign up, there is a hotel across the street from the roadhouse, and we have a friend who offered up their limo service for $15/head to drive folks home. Can't beat that. I'm a roadie............If this goes well, C & the roadhouse owner, along with myself, would like to make this an annual event.
I have so many feelings, especially on adoption, that I will have to post more about that later.
1. I have still not heard back about the job. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.............I called the agency today. The client did not like the other two candidates, and I am their front runner. So why the holdup?
2. Both sons improving a bit on meds. Thank God. People with perfectly healthy children have no idea what it is like to live in the chaos of a home with 2 bipolar children. By last night I was so drained I told everyone I was on Sick Leave for the evening. Seriously too tired & beat up emotionally do anything other than get off my butt.
3. I've signed up to volunteer at a Women's Shelter & Halfway House. The director wants me to tutor, mentor, live there to supervise, and lead bible studies. She wants more than I can give at the moment. So we are working something out. I will not be living there.
4. I started attending a bible study & program thru church on Mentoring. It will normally be Tues pm. It's offered Thurs am as well. First meeting yesterday. Great group. Essentially it's about being a Titus Woman. I will feel more comfortable volunteering at the Women's home after the mentoring class is over. I feel I need the training and education on resources.
5. Monday & Tuesday I dealt with an abandoned vehicle in my yard. Who parks their car, head in, in someone else's driveway? We assumed they were drunk or high. After waiting 14hrs for the owner to appear, Monday I had it towed. The tabs were expired since February, so I didn't feel comfortable letting it sit like that in my yard. Tuesday I had to deal with the asinine neighbor who it turns out, left their car in my yard! What a moron. Said it was their teen. Um, OK. Everyone has to pass my house after they enter the development. How could neither parent notice their son's car in my yard for 14hrs? Maybe they are high as well. So they turn up Tuesday all belligerent about us towing the vehicle. I wrote them a pretty stern letter. They came by to apologize yesterday. I was quite surprised. I think that takes alot to apologize.
6. Yesterday learned a dear sweet beautiful friend of mine has breast, lung, and liver cancer. I found this out at bible study, and cried when I heard. I'm 38. She's my age. How on earth do these things happen? I rarely ask "why Lord" because I figure after all the suffering on earth, we will die and see that heaven is just that much more glorious. In the mean time, good grief. Her son is a year older than my oldest, and we've spent much time at their sporting events together. Not to mention church & bible study. I called her yesterday & left a message asking if I could bring them meals each week. I have not heard back. Hopefully she'll be well enough to return a call soon. Then I think, what else could I do to help? Clean her bathrooms? Teach her 9th grade son to cook? Help with errands? I want her to know how much she is loved, and how much God's people care for her.
7. My husband told me two nights ago that he wants to adopt again. My first reaction was to burst into tears. Apparently I need to work thru grief a bit more! To rewind, our agency did say they would be more than happy to place a child with us after we had time to go to grief counseling & wait at least six months. It's been 7 months. We'll see.................
8. I went to my second post-op appt for my eyes. Doing pretty well. The left eye is still a black eye, so he said no makeup for one more week. ARGH!
9. Hit a great sale at a local nursery. Adding two more rows of berries (gooseberries & more blueberries).
10. I'm now a roadie. Or a biker chick. Not sure. You decide. One of my best friends missed our 20yr reunion. Only 55+ folks came out of our class of almost 300 graduates. Many people communicated to me that it was too expensive ($90-95) for the formal affair. And many told me they were not interested in a formal affair. So, my friend "C" and I decided, hey, why don't we organize something cheap, casual, and local. I heard one of our classmates owns a bar. We went to visit him there and eat some lunch. It's a roadhouse. I'm rarely even in a bar (maybe once every 20 yrs!), let alone a roadhouse! It was surprisingly decent, large, and the food is excellent. He is offering a no cover charge night for our classmates, and providing a dinner for $10/head. So I organized the whole thing thru Evite, sent that out plus 15 snail mails. We are off and running. I put in the Evite that friends don't let friends drive drunk. We have three options on that: I will be a designated driver for the first 6 people to sign up, there is a hotel across the street from the roadhouse, and we have a friend who offered up their limo service for $15/head to drive folks home. Can't beat that. I'm a roadie............If this goes well, C & the roadhouse owner, along with myself, would like to make this an annual event.
I have so many feelings, especially on adoption, that I will have to post more about that later.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
We are the Griswolds~~Only We Could End Up in a Police Chase
We just returned from a 6 day camping trip at a great hot spot in our state. Central WA, here. I'll write about what I learned, what we enjoyed, and our Griswold moments.What I learned on a 6 day camping trip:
1. I must buy an iPod before our next road trip.
2. Local hot spots are way too crowded on a holiday weekend, and/or any approximation.
3. A child who is autistic needs more social protection than we realized (ie..accepts treats from strangers, ends up getting pushed off 2-story play equipment, rides bicycle into a BMW, etc.).
4. Bring minimal treats for the kids.
5. Bring more treats for mom. And alcohol.
6. Bring more cash, because you never know when you may find great local fruit stands. And ice cream stands.
7. Even though there are limits on campsites, we may still end up next to a commune of 7 families on 2 campsites.
8. We are getting old. We do not enjoy teenagers screaming and blaring their music at 2am.
9. A campsite ranger will kick out teenagers the next day who do the above, even at the opposition, whining, and arguing of said teenagers parents.
10. Mood medication kicks in after a few days for a bipolar child.
What I enjoyed on our 6 day camping trip:
1. The mood medication kicking in for our 13yr old son who is ADHD & bipolar. I now have an appt with the doctor for Friday for our youngest son to partake as well. This will hopefully help his bipolar moods, and anxiety/depression with Aspergers.
2. Loved the water slides. We went sliding for two days.
3. Sunshine every day.
4. Campfires every night.
5. A nearly pain-free experience with my back/hip on this trip.
6. Catching up on Oprah magazines.
7. A lot of laughs
8. The park ranger kicking out the obnoxious teenagers.
9. Knowing this is our last camping trip where I have to wear contacts.
10. The lovely man at the Circle K who told us exactly how to find Costco. Best directions we ever had.
We are the Griswold's. Remember family man Clark Griswold? Well, seems like we end up with "Vacation" moments too:
1. Passing thru the same town three times looking for Costco.
2. Trying so hard to have a wonderful family vacation, yet mishap after mishap happen (ie..went to water park. went down a water slide with hubby. I flew off the double inner tube, and DH hit the wall. He took out a chunk of the back of his head, leaving an open bleeding wound. It's now a pussy open wound.).
3. Kids complaining incessantly that I didn't do anything for this trip, then they ruined the one treat I brought for myself for the weekend. So, what did I do in said situation? I thru out all their treats. Told them they are welcome to get them out of the dumpster. Surprisingly, I did not have any takers on this.
4. Went to a local park to play tennis & golf. I warned the family ahead of time that we need to kennel the dog at the campsite. Oh no, they wouldn't listen to me, and they brought the dog. So we arrive at the park, pay for parking, get on a tennis court, and then park ranger comes over to inform us no dogs beyond the park entrance. That's right. We couldn't even have the dog on a leash. I've never heard of a park not allowing dogs, but whatever. First though, park ranger had to yell at me about parking without paying (guess he was blind & couldn't see my tag on our window). Then he proceeded to lay into me about the dog. I said we'd leave. He continued to bark at me about the dog. I said "WE'RE LEAVING". He continued to bitch about the dog. I said "TAKE IT UP WITH MY HUSBAND. HE'S THE BIG GUY OVER THERE PLAYING TENNIS." The @sshole ran and hid behind the men's room (how appropriate). After we packed up the whole family, I walked over to tell the guy that we were packed up & outta here. He was squatting, literally hiding behind the mens room. Pathetic.
5. Probably the coup de graw~~We were leaving the water park one evening, driving down the highway. We notice an oncoming police car with flashing lights. He does a u-turn, and drives off in front of us. We thought that odd, but maybe dispatch changed their orders. Then even more odd, a Winnebago from about 1970 pulls up right on our ass. I noticed this in the rear view. Less than a car distance between us. The driver looked scarier than the Unibomber. He was screaming, kids were running around, then he made some phone calls.....yelling profanities into his phone. He was that close, I could make out his swear words. I kept voicing all this to my hubby, and we noticed right away the similarities to this & the buttholes in "Christmas Vacation", riding Clark's butt on the highway, as they are off to get a tree. Remember how Clark's wife says "Clark, I don't want to spend the holidays DEAD!".....as he's dealing with the truck driver. We felt just like that! This went on for miles. There was no where to turn off, until we'd gone about five miles. We of course turned off. I turned to watch the guy pass us, to notice immediately that he was being chased by the police. No wonder he was riding our ass! Apparently the first cop we saw, who turned in front of us, was out to head him off at the pass. Geez. Only we would end up in the middle of a police chase.
6. The only thing we missed on this trip was having cousin Eddie along (for you Vacation lovers out there).
7. Two of our boys got braces last week. One of them broke a bracket on his mouth. So we went home early, hoping to get him into the orthodontist before school. Got home, called the orthodontist. He's on vacation all week. How poetic.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Differently Abled
Yesterday was hard for me to listen to the school principal. She continued to discuss our youngest son's "disabilities". I really loathe that word. I hate labels. Why can't we just stick with words like diagnosis? Our oldest son had his first football practice yesterday, came home, and was pooped. We felt inspired to watch the movie "Rudy". We own it and watch it atleast twice a year. One of the most inspirational movies we've ever seen, this movie is based on the personal story of Daniel "Rudy" Rudiger (link HERE). And to boot, he shares his birthday with our little girl in Russia.
If you have not seen this movie, please run out and see it.
Anyway, while seeing this movie for the umpteenth time yesterday, I thought "hey, I'm going to print a list of successful people with ADHD, bipolar disorder, Aspergers, etc., for my sons to have." They need to know every day that they CAN! They may have disabilities, they may have to find different ways to complete tasks, and it may take them longer to get things accomplished, but success can and will be achieved.
Here are the lists I have found (all clickable):
Famous Bipolar people Here & Here & Here
Famous Aspergers people Here & Here & Here
Famous ADD/ADHD people Here & Here & Here
I imagine all these people had a mom who told them "You can do it!"
My boys have a mom like that as well. To me they are differently abled, not disabled. I feel constantly referring to kids as "disabled" gives the impression that they are unabled. There is a difference. My boys will know they are abled, differently or otherwise.
If you have not seen this movie, please run out and see it.
Anyway, while seeing this movie for the umpteenth time yesterday, I thought "hey, I'm going to print a list of successful people with ADHD, bipolar disorder, Aspergers, etc., for my sons to have." They need to know every day that they CAN! They may have disabilities, they may have to find different ways to complete tasks, and it may take them longer to get things accomplished, but success can and will be achieved.
Here are the lists I have found (all clickable):
Famous Bipolar people Here & Here & Here
Famous Aspergers people Here & Here & Here
Famous ADD/ADHD people Here & Here & Here
I imagine all these people had a mom who told them "You can do it!"
My boys have a mom like that as well. To me they are differently abled, not disabled. I feel constantly referring to kids as "disabled" gives the impression that they are unabled. There is a difference. My boys will know they are abled, differently or otherwise.
Monday, August 25, 2008
A Medical Day
The DH and I went in this am for our LASIK eye surgery consult. All was well, and I'm scheduled for surgery 9/11. My husband will have surgery 2 weeks later. Can't tell you how much we are looking forward to this. Let's get it done already!
Yesterday our oldest son was in trouble. Again. This time in addition to the natural consequences, I told him he has to reimburse me at minimum wage for my time spent on this, and pay me gas money for having to pick him up. On our long drive home, I also let him in on a little adult perspective. I reminded him that his grandfather has some undiagnosed neurosis (a few probably). My father has never sought help. He doesn't get it that lacking social & life skills is a requirement in life. With that, he lost his marriage, children, and now his only grandchildren. There is only so much that people will put up with, and able bodied people have to have the life skills to survive in life, work, relationships, down the road. Later in the evening my son told me "I'm ready for medication." Oh, why? "The consequences are getting too hard." Whatever works. Hopefully he will see it as a gift later that he took it upon himself to get help at a young age, before seeing tougher and tougher consequences handed down.
Then late this am, I took my oldest son to the doc about some meds. We were given a prescription for a drug to calm his moods (bipolar), and will recheck at 30 days & 90 days. At those two appts we will then discuss adding (or not) some ADHD meds.
Please God, let this help....................
The wheels are in motion for our youngest son to get an IEP. The school principal called today and we had a long talk. The Aspergers teacher fell & broke her leg yesterday, so that class is up in the air temporarily. Sigh. Maybe they can get a sub? It would be sad to see those 15 kids moved around into other classes just for a few weeks. Anyway, I need to drop off the psychiatrist/psychologist/PCP reports that I have, which include his diagnosises of bipolar disorder & Aspergers. When we have a team meeting, we will discuss if he will remain in his mainstreamed class with help on the side (at school), or if he will be moved to the Aspergers class at another physical location. Onward...................................
My Girl Elena~~ I can't divulge more about our Russian adoption. All I can say is what I wrote. Thank you for caring ;o)
Yesterday our oldest son was in trouble. Again. This time in addition to the natural consequences, I told him he has to reimburse me at minimum wage for my time spent on this, and pay me gas money for having to pick him up. On our long drive home, I also let him in on a little adult perspective. I reminded him that his grandfather has some undiagnosed neurosis (a few probably). My father has never sought help. He doesn't get it that lacking social & life skills is a requirement in life. With that, he lost his marriage, children, and now his only grandchildren. There is only so much that people will put up with, and able bodied people have to have the life skills to survive in life, work, relationships, down the road. Later in the evening my son told me "I'm ready for medication." Oh, why? "The consequences are getting too hard." Whatever works. Hopefully he will see it as a gift later that he took it upon himself to get help at a young age, before seeing tougher and tougher consequences handed down.
Then late this am, I took my oldest son to the doc about some meds. We were given a prescription for a drug to calm his moods (bipolar), and will recheck at 30 days & 90 days. At those two appts we will then discuss adding (or not) some ADHD meds.
Please God, let this help....................
The wheels are in motion for our youngest son to get an IEP. The school principal called today and we had a long talk. The Aspergers teacher fell & broke her leg yesterday, so that class is up in the air temporarily. Sigh. Maybe they can get a sub? It would be sad to see those 15 kids moved around into other classes just for a few weeks. Anyway, I need to drop off the psychiatrist/psychologist/PCP reports that I have, which include his diagnosises of bipolar disorder & Aspergers. When we have a team meeting, we will discuss if he will remain in his mainstreamed class with help on the side (at school), or if he will be moved to the Aspergers class at another physical location. Onward...................................
My Girl Elena~~ I can't divulge more about our Russian adoption. All I can say is what I wrote. Thank you for caring ;o)
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Meds
After a large consequence being handed down for his irresponsible impulsive behavior, our oldest son is now consenting to meds. In our state, age 13 is the age of consent & medical privacy. He is 13.
Answers to Questions (Failed Russian adoption/ADHD)
Yesterday I checked the Russia data base for our little girl. She is not currently on there. One of her brothers is though, and it states he has no siblings. The database can often be quite unreliable though, or just not updated (correctly or otherwise).
ADHD magazine is something a counselor recommended for my son. She gave me a postcard to send in for the magazine. I know nothing about it. Although, HERE (clickable) is a link to the magazine. Looks neat!
I can't say much about the Russian adoption because there are two lawsuits pending: civil (to get our money & attorney fees back) & federal (to imprison the owners & employees of the adoption agency). In a nutshell, we went to Russia a few years ago, finalized the adoption of a little girl, including court paperwork. We were never allowed to bring her home because it turns out our agency was never on the books with the Russian authorities. They were baby trafficking. Just sickening. We had no clue of course. Alot of red flags were raised during the process. However, we had no clue that our agency was operating illegally. I truly hope they rot in prison, or hell. We are in contact with the Russian authorities, and last we were notified, our little girl lives in an institution with another relative. The "relative" is required to live in an institution, but wanted parental rights of said child. So a judge gave parental rights, requiring they live in an institution together until the child is 16yrs old.
We miss our sweet baby. We will continue to see if she is ever available for adoption (she never was, which was part of the illegal activity which constitutes as baby trafficking, per the FBI). Currently there are no adoption agencies working in our little girl's region, so I don't know how we'd bring her home if she were to become adoptable. Independent adoption is rare, even more rare in her region. We do have a Russian attorney as well as American attorney, so we are covered legally & informationally.
I can still feel holding her in my arms, her tiny little body. I can still hear her laugh. I can still hear her yelling at her friends that we are her mama & papa. I can still feel the breeze on those freezing days, playing with her on a jungle gym in Siberia, Far East Russia. I can still feel that bitter breeze as the day came to a close & she begged for me to swing her longer. I can still hear her shoes running down a hall way to hug me, one last time.
I miss you sweet baby girl. Yesterday I made a birthday cake in your honor. I rode my bike in your honor, since you do not have that freedom, luxury, or opportunity. We will never forget you. I take comfort knowing we will see you again even if it has to be in Heaven. God is watching over you since we cannot. May you be safe & well. I love you.
ADHD magazine is something a counselor recommended for my son. She gave me a postcard to send in for the magazine. I know nothing about it. Although, HERE (clickable) is a link to the magazine. Looks neat!
I can't say much about the Russian adoption because there are two lawsuits pending: civil (to get our money & attorney fees back) & federal (to imprison the owners & employees of the adoption agency). In a nutshell, we went to Russia a few years ago, finalized the adoption of a little girl, including court paperwork. We were never allowed to bring her home because it turns out our agency was never on the books with the Russian authorities. They were baby trafficking. Just sickening. We had no clue of course. Alot of red flags were raised during the process. However, we had no clue that our agency was operating illegally. I truly hope they rot in prison, or hell. We are in contact with the Russian authorities, and last we were notified, our little girl lives in an institution with another relative. The "relative" is required to live in an institution, but wanted parental rights of said child. So a judge gave parental rights, requiring they live in an institution together until the child is 16yrs old.
We miss our sweet baby. We will continue to see if she is ever available for adoption (she never was, which was part of the illegal activity which constitutes as baby trafficking, per the FBI). Currently there are no adoption agencies working in our little girl's region, so I don't know how we'd bring her home if she were to become adoptable. Independent adoption is rare, even more rare in her region. We do have a Russian attorney as well as American attorney, so we are covered legally & informationally.
I can still feel holding her in my arms, her tiny little body. I can still hear her laugh. I can still hear her yelling at her friends that we are her mama & papa. I can still feel the breeze on those freezing days, playing with her on a jungle gym in Siberia, Far East Russia. I can still feel that bitter breeze as the day came to a close & she begged for me to swing her longer. I can still hear her shoes running down a hall way to hug me, one last time.
I miss you sweet baby girl. Yesterday I made a birthday cake in your honor. I rode my bike in your honor, since you do not have that freedom, luxury, or opportunity. We will never forget you. I take comfort knowing we will see you again even if it has to be in Heaven. God is watching over you since we cannot. May you be safe & well. I love you.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
All in a Day & Russia Baby
Yesterday I had the pleasure of being treated to lunch at the Seattle Symphony. A highschool/college friend of mine & I reconnected at the 20yr reunion. We'll have to stay in touch this time. We stayed in touch for about 5yrs, and then got busy. And busier. And got to only the Christmas card list, and then that disappeared. We're going shopping in downtown Seattle in a few weeks. I LOVE downtown shopping. So does he. This is not a date or affair. He's flaming gay. ;o)
I ordered ADHD magazine for my oldest son. After I noticed much effort to focus, with little success, I feel inclined to help him further. He couldn't deal with a voice prompted phone labyrinth the other day. But he had to be the one to deal with it, seeing as we were in the car using the cell. In our state it's now illegal for the driver to be using the cell, unless you use a BlueTooth. I don't have one. This resulted in screaming and crying from an 8th grader, arms waving around, etc. I think jumping out of the moving vehicle would have been more fun.
The Aspergers teacher called me back. But I was at the Seattle Symphony. I'll have to call her Monday.
We took the kids to the state fair last night. They are at the point where they only like rides. So in the past we've held that over their head to "inspire" acceptable/cooperative behavior until the end of the day. Then we did rides. Well, yesterday we only had a couple of hours to do the fair, so we opted to not do rides. A wrist band costs $22, so that's $66 for all the kids. We just spent $60+ on dinner at the fair, and we are going on a weeklong vacation next week to a pretty neat hot spot in our state (this means throwing down lots of money for that). We warned the kids in advance, for days, that we would not be doing rides (hoping it would sink in and they would have worked it out of their system). Boy was the joke on us! This resulted in much begging, whining, and the like, over riding the rides. Got to the point with our youngest that I told him we could go to the hot car, or I could pull down his pants and spank his naked rear end out in the middle of the fair grounds. His begging and whining and yelling improved at that point. He was still annoying. Hard to have consequences for "annoying".
Next time we will go alone, as adults, and enjoy the fair. Looking forward to it.
Today is our Russia Baby's birthday. We love her always and forever. We will miss her always and forever. I hope the owners & employees of our old adoption agency rot in hell. I know the FBI still has their prosecution in the works, and our civil case is still moving forward (at a crawl). The wheels of justice may be slow, but those wheels will eventually get us to our destination.
I ordered ADHD magazine for my oldest son. After I noticed much effort to focus, with little success, I feel inclined to help him further. He couldn't deal with a voice prompted phone labyrinth the other day. But he had to be the one to deal with it, seeing as we were in the car using the cell. In our state it's now illegal for the driver to be using the cell, unless you use a BlueTooth. I don't have one. This resulted in screaming and crying from an 8th grader, arms waving around, etc. I think jumping out of the moving vehicle would have been more fun.
The Aspergers teacher called me back. But I was at the Seattle Symphony. I'll have to call her Monday.
We took the kids to the state fair last night. They are at the point where they only like rides. So in the past we've held that over their head to "inspire" acceptable/cooperative behavior until the end of the day. Then we did rides. Well, yesterday we only had a couple of hours to do the fair, so we opted to not do rides. A wrist band costs $22, so that's $66 for all the kids. We just spent $60+ on dinner at the fair, and we are going on a weeklong vacation next week to a pretty neat hot spot in our state (this means throwing down lots of money for that). We warned the kids in advance, for days, that we would not be doing rides (hoping it would sink in and they would have worked it out of their system). Boy was the joke on us! This resulted in much begging, whining, and the like, over riding the rides. Got to the point with our youngest that I told him we could go to the hot car, or I could pull down his pants and spank his naked rear end out in the middle of the fair grounds. His begging and whining and yelling improved at that point. He was still annoying. Hard to have consequences for "annoying".
Next time we will go alone, as adults, and enjoy the fair. Looking forward to it.
Today is our Russia Baby's birthday. We love her always and forever. We will miss her always and forever. I hope the owners & employees of our old adoption agency rot in hell. I know the FBI still has their prosecution in the works, and our civil case is still moving forward (at a crawl). The wheels of justice may be slow, but those wheels will eventually get us to our destination.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Where's Waldo?
So, where's Esther been? all over the place..................
A couple weeks ago I went to my 20yr high school reunion. Absolutely a hoot! Nice to reconnect with folks and catch up. Fortunately I was having a good hair day. This was a gift since earlier in the day, the dog ate one of my sandals I was going to wear that night. ARGH! Fortuneatly I found another acceptable pair at the last minute. In my closet, of all places. Who knew? Maybe time to clean the closet?
My DSL line came back up the day we left town (again). After dealing with 17 employees, Verizon figured out the problem was on their end. Sigh....
My DSL line came back up the day we left town (again). After dealing with 17 employees, Verizon figured out the problem was on their end. Sigh....
The puppy saw the vet for the umpteenth time today. She is still not well on her own. Sigh. We are going "antibiotic-free" for now, to see where that leads us. If she goes down hill, the vet wants to do a surgical procedure and send some workup to a lab. That doesn't sound fun. Or cheap.
The two older boys are getting braces this week. Not fun or cheap either. We are paying upfront so we will at least get a 5% discount. I'll be grateful and not look a gift horse in the mouth.
I took the younger two boys out of town to visit a relative for four days. I managed the trailer at an RV park, all by myself. Thank you very much. We biked, BBQ'd, swam, and hit the local beaches and river. Very fun. After four days, we started out for a one hr trip to hit our second destination, where we would meet up with the rest of the family. Turned into an 8 hr trip due to a broken ferry boat. In the future I will NOT incorporate any ferry into our travel plans, if time management is a big factor. We then camped for four days as an entire family. And there is a first time for everything. I've never personally been in trouble or reprimanded on a trip, by any local employees. I went berry picking for a few hours, leaving the trusty husband & kids at the campsite. While I was gone, they were swinging in the trees. I don't know why. A park employee scolded them, said it's not allowed, or they'd have to leave. nice.
Here's another nice camping story for you. Back at family bible camp in July, after five days, I used the toilet for #1, flushed, and it over flowed. Full tank. I told my DH to come help me (we have several children, their friend, etc., with us. Seriously, he looked at me, said "whenever", and walked away. I thought about killing him. But couldn't dwell on that long, seeing as I had pee to clean. I scooped out cup full after cup full of urine and kept tossing in the dirt. Gross. And I was pissed at my DH for more than 24 hrs. Well, on this trip this last week, I awoke one morning to a strange clanking sound in the bathroom of the trailer. I asked DH what the noise was. He said "I went #2, flushed, and it over flowed. Flooded. I'm using a cup to scoop up all the poop and toss it." I have not laughed so hard to myself in I don't know how long. What goes around comes around. Payback is a bitch. I laughed so hard to myself, I just may have peed my pants a little.
I took the younger two boys out of town to visit a relative for four days. I managed the trailer at an RV park, all by myself. Thank you very much. We biked, BBQ'd, swam, and hit the local beaches and river. Very fun. After four days, we started out for a one hr trip to hit our second destination, where we would meet up with the rest of the family. Turned into an 8 hr trip due to a broken ferry boat. In the future I will NOT incorporate any ferry into our travel plans, if time management is a big factor. We then camped for four days as an entire family. And there is a first time for everything. I've never personally been in trouble or reprimanded on a trip, by any local employees. I went berry picking for a few hours, leaving the trusty husband & kids at the campsite. While I was gone, they were swinging in the trees. I don't know why. A park employee scolded them, said it's not allowed, or they'd have to leave. nice.
Here's another nice camping story for you. Back at family bible camp in July, after five days, I used the toilet for #1, flushed, and it over flowed. Full tank. I told my DH to come help me (we have several children, their friend, etc., with us. Seriously, he looked at me, said "whenever", and walked away. I thought about killing him. But couldn't dwell on that long, seeing as I had pee to clean. I scooped out cup full after cup full of urine and kept tossing in the dirt. Gross. And I was pissed at my DH for more than 24 hrs. Well, on this trip this last week, I awoke one morning to a strange clanking sound in the bathroom of the trailer. I asked DH what the noise was. He said "I went #2, flushed, and it over flowed. Flooded. I'm using a cup to scoop up all the poop and toss it." I have not laughed so hard to myself in I don't know how long. What goes around comes around. Payback is a bitch. I laughed so hard to myself, I just may have peed my pants a little.
Final camping thoughts. I must rethink our multi week road trip next year. The day I took the trailer down, drove for 8hrs (ferry was out for the day; I had to drive the long way around), plus put the tent trailer back up again...............
This left me beyond exhausted. I'm still having hip & sciatic pain. We will do the trip, but I will only travel a long distance where there is a shared driver (DH). I will take the kids separately by myself, to a nice long trip in, oh, Oregon. One state away. And stay there for a week or two. Quite manageable.
I deleted the knitting blog. I really don't have time for a second blog at the moment. I'll post some random craft pics over here occasionally.
My garden is coming in really well. Really late, but it's coming in. I need to learn how to do a "hot water bath" in lieu of pressure canning. I will have alot of pumpkin to can this year.
Since April, I've been looking for a job with two local school districts. Other than the one interview I had, I have not been called about a thing. Nada. Zilch. I've stopped by the HR depts, called every few weeks, and nothing happens. Getting rather sick of that. So yesterday I called one of the districts to ask what was up. Do they only hire from within? Are they laying off? Am I over-qualified? Are they NOT hiring highly qualified people? etc. etc. The HR director got a good laugh, said they aren't hiring much. Mostly people from within are taking on second jobs, which doesn't leave any room for new hires. The economy sucks and all. The other school district is not hiring, and they actually just laid off several employees in positions I applied for. That's not going anywhere productive for me.
During my daily perusal of jobs on the school district site, I noticed a listing for as Aspergers Assistant in a program called "Connections". Um, my kid has Aspergers; why hasn't anyone told me about this program? So I called Special Needs supervisor in the district. She said kids on an IEP are put into the program, per a referral from the school psychologist. My son sees the school psychologist, and attends two groups weekly that they hold for kids with social/behavioral/developmental needs. I asked if an IEP is driven by the parents? staff? She said it's driven by parents. Why do I need to be the last to know this? So I put in a call to the Aspergers teacher, and our school psychologist to see if our son can attend either the part-time or full day program. I'm not sure how it all works. At least the district will provide transportation since it's not at our designated school. Will keep updating.......
Our oldest son has been to a religious bible camp. Rather a revival. He came home the day I left for a trip without him. While gone, he tried quite hard to convince my DH that we go to the wrong kind of church (community bible church) and that we need to go to the church that sponsors the camp (baptist). My DH gave him ample opportunity to discuss, and we will not be changing churches. However, we told him we are more than happy for him to attend jr high bible study & jr high youth group there. And to boot, one of the leaders lives five minutes from us and is providing transportation! woo hoo! DH looked up our church beliefs on line, along with the baptist church. They have the same beliefs and mission statements. So, he showed our son why we are not changing churches. I will say though that I'm enjoying the new religious child. The Lord is in his heart, and he truly seems like a different kid. He offers to help around the house, is not fighting with siblings, has been affectionate, and is reading his bible daily. AMEN!
Back to the job front, by the time yesterdays conversations took place, I was getting rather sick of our school district. And the thought of working for one. It's never been my ambition to work for a school district. The hours of work was the big huge plus for me. So I got to thinking and decided: I'm going back to college fall quarter, getting my accounting skills updated (Excel & some accounting software), and applying for accounting work after the first of the year.
Then I thought, aren't there any accounting temp jobs where I could still be a SAHM in the summer? Ah, yes. There are! BINGO! So I called one of these services today (Robert Haff Account Temps---an intl organization), and told them all this, and they said:
"sign with us. You can take the computer courses thru us for free. Then you can start working as a temp for us. Since you have a bachelors degree in accounting, you will see that since you've been out of work, Generally Accepted Accounting Principles (GAAP) has not changed greatly. You just have to update your computer skills. Pleasure talking with you."
It was as easy as that.
I'm unofficially hired, and bringing in my tax & employee info on 9/4. That day I will start three online courses with them. And we're off and running..................
I'm still a little shell shocked it was that easy.
I deleted the knitting blog. I really don't have time for a second blog at the moment. I'll post some random craft pics over here occasionally.
My garden is coming in really well. Really late, but it's coming in. I need to learn how to do a "hot water bath" in lieu of pressure canning. I will have alot of pumpkin to can this year.
Since April, I've been looking for a job with two local school districts. Other than the one interview I had, I have not been called about a thing. Nada. Zilch. I've stopped by the HR depts, called every few weeks, and nothing happens. Getting rather sick of that. So yesterday I called one of the districts to ask what was up. Do they only hire from within? Are they laying off? Am I over-qualified? Are they NOT hiring highly qualified people? etc. etc. The HR director got a good laugh, said they aren't hiring much. Mostly people from within are taking on second jobs, which doesn't leave any room for new hires. The economy sucks and all. The other school district is not hiring, and they actually just laid off several employees in positions I applied for. That's not going anywhere productive for me.
During my daily perusal of jobs on the school district site, I noticed a listing for as Aspergers Assistant in a program called "Connections". Um, my kid has Aspergers; why hasn't anyone told me about this program? So I called Special Needs supervisor in the district. She said kids on an IEP are put into the program, per a referral from the school psychologist. My son sees the school psychologist, and attends two groups weekly that they hold for kids with social/behavioral/developmental needs. I asked if an IEP is driven by the parents? staff? She said it's driven by parents. Why do I need to be the last to know this? So I put in a call to the Aspergers teacher, and our school psychologist to see if our son can attend either the part-time or full day program. I'm not sure how it all works. At least the district will provide transportation since it's not at our designated school. Will keep updating.......
Our oldest son has been to a religious bible camp. Rather a revival. He came home the day I left for a trip without him. While gone, he tried quite hard to convince my DH that we go to the wrong kind of church (community bible church) and that we need to go to the church that sponsors the camp (baptist). My DH gave him ample opportunity to discuss, and we will not be changing churches. However, we told him we are more than happy for him to attend jr high bible study & jr high youth group there. And to boot, one of the leaders lives five minutes from us and is providing transportation! woo hoo! DH looked up our church beliefs on line, along with the baptist church. They have the same beliefs and mission statements. So, he showed our son why we are not changing churches. I will say though that I'm enjoying the new religious child. The Lord is in his heart, and he truly seems like a different kid. He offers to help around the house, is not fighting with siblings, has been affectionate, and is reading his bible daily. AMEN!
Back to the job front, by the time yesterdays conversations took place, I was getting rather sick of our school district. And the thought of working for one. It's never been my ambition to work for a school district. The hours of work was the big huge plus for me. So I got to thinking and decided: I'm going back to college fall quarter, getting my accounting skills updated (Excel & some accounting software), and applying for accounting work after the first of the year.
Then I thought, aren't there any accounting temp jobs where I could still be a SAHM in the summer? Ah, yes. There are! BINGO! So I called one of these services today (Robert Haff Account Temps---an intl organization), and told them all this, and they said:
"sign with us. You can take the computer courses thru us for free. Then you can start working as a temp for us. Since you have a bachelors degree in accounting, you will see that since you've been out of work, Generally Accepted Accounting Principles (GAAP) has not changed greatly. You just have to update your computer skills. Pleasure talking with you."
It was as easy as that.
I'm unofficially hired, and bringing in my tax & employee info on 9/4. That day I will start three online courses with them. And we're off and running..................
I'm still a little shell shocked it was that easy.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Ocean, Restriction, and the Grocery Bill
Just back in from a four day vacation to the ocean. I'd love to post photos from a sandcastle competition, but I can't. The dog ate my USB cable. I'll have to buy one tomorrow.
Wednesday we are leaving for another great trip, five days. My husband could not get the time of work, but he'll join us Friday. My oldest son is staying home with dad Wed-Fri am. He's on restriction. Sad, but it came to that. Two of his friends were invited months ago on this trip. So I called their moms, told them my son will be missing the first two days of the trip. Do their boys still want to go with me & two little brothers, or wait until Friday for my oldest son & DH to go? The boys want to go with me Wednesday. My oldest son is furious. Guess I can't be Satan's Spawn if two teenage boys still want to go camping with me & two little brothers.
I came across THIS great article on saving money at the grocery store. However, I don't think cheese is a cheap snack (one of their suggestions), and I just can't stomach making 2-3 dinners a week where the main course if beans. Sorry.
Wednesday we are leaving for another great trip, five days. My husband could not get the time of work, but he'll join us Friday. My oldest son is staying home with dad Wed-Fri am. He's on restriction. Sad, but it came to that. Two of his friends were invited months ago on this trip. So I called their moms, told them my son will be missing the first two days of the trip. Do their boys still want to go with me & two little brothers, or wait until Friday for my oldest son & DH to go? The boys want to go with me Wednesday. My oldest son is furious. Guess I can't be Satan's Spawn if two teenage boys still want to go camping with me & two little brothers.
I came across THIS great article on saving money at the grocery store. However, I don't think cheese is a cheap snack (one of their suggestions), and I just can't stomach making 2-3 dinners a week where the main course if beans. Sorry.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Bipolar Disorder & Camping
Since this blog is primarily about my life with special needs kids, I've sat down several times attempting to write a way to accurately describe living with my children. My oldest has a form of bipolar disorder, ODD, and ADHD. Our youngest son has the same form of bipolar disorder (I think I failed to mention that earlier on the blog) and Aspergers Syndrome (a form of autism). Frankly there's so much to write that I become overwhelmed at beginning that post. It could take forever to portray what it's like to live in my home. So, suffice it to say, I've opted to link to this article I read. I've done much research on bipolar disorder the last few years. I feel this article most candidly, honestly, and compassionately depicts living with a bipolar child. Here is the link:
http://www.newsweek.com/id/137517?GT1=43002
I will follow up with a post on what has been successful for us in these adventures.
In positive news, our family of six (including puppy) went camping at Pearrigin Lake outside of Winthrop, WA. We took a five day trip. Loads of fun, lots of fishing & camping, I made a scarf and started a second, beautiful scenery, and lots of laughs. It's really good for my husband to be with the kids 24/7 in this manner. With him working 10-12 hrs a day, he often misses the true grating feeling of what goes on with the parenting special needs kids challenges. It's alot of mental gymnastics, in a nutshell. Be that as it may, we had a good time. I highly recommend Pearrigin. We will go there again next year. And speaking of the puppy, I had no idea that having a puppy on hand would lead to people engaging in conversation with us about every five minutes. Truly a conversation piece! Really, I had no idea.
http://www.newsweek.com/id/137517?GT1=43002
I will follow up with a post on what has been successful for us in these adventures.
In positive news, our family of six (including puppy) went camping at Pearrigin Lake outside of Winthrop, WA. We took a five day trip. Loads of fun, lots of fishing & camping, I made a scarf and started a second, beautiful scenery, and lots of laughs. It's really good for my husband to be with the kids 24/7 in this manner. With him working 10-12 hrs a day, he often misses the true grating feeling of what goes on with the parenting special needs kids challenges. It's alot of mental gymnastics, in a nutshell. Be that as it may, we had a good time. I highly recommend Pearrigin. We will go there again next year. And speaking of the puppy, I had no idea that having a puppy on hand would lead to people engaging in conversation with us about every five minutes. Truly a conversation piece! Really, I had no idea.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Strike & Moved to Tears
Day 7. We are now on day 7.
The boys have been working hard. Yes, some grumbling along the way. To which I either ignore, or respond with an empathetic "I know it's hard." My husband has been making them dinner. Last night they had chicken strips for the 4th night in a row. Boys not thrilled, but glad to see the light at the end of the tunnel with all their hard work on a chart. Gee, I never thought the boys would tire of Tyson chicken products. Guess there's a first for everything.
I was moved to tears yesterday in this process. Our oldest son called from a school trip yesterday, saying the buses were hours behind schedule. He was calling from a cell, in a crowded space with hundreds of middle schoolers. I thanked him for letting me know. He then said (& remember he's in a crowded place with peers) :
"I love you Mom". I love him too.
He's grown into a place the last few years where public hugging, displays of affection, and God forbid saying "I love you", are really just embarrassing. I think it was huge and so sweet for him to say "I love you" in front of all those kids.
Next item on the list: In the mail yesterday, there was a letter from the school. Me? Cringing at the thought of what's in the envelope. This is the kid who was kicked out of the 6th grade multiple times, he's taken a vacuum cleaner pipe and threatened to kill me, destroyed my personal property, begged his father & I to get a divorce so that he can have two birthday parties & two sets of electronics, etc. Gee, what does the school want now? Quite hesitant, and with a sigh, I opened the envelope. It says "Our staff is pleased to announce that your child will receive an award for outstanding achievement in academics or public service", with details following. I about fell out of my chair. Now, seriously, I don't think the worst in my kid. However, this last couple years, living with his bipolar disorder, ADHD, and ODD, has really had me looking forward to the day he will go live on his own. Sometimes he is so sweet and fun and I relish the time we have together.....knowing it will only be for another few years; other times he seems possessed. I'm digressing.
I wanted to cry. The kid has hope. I've always told him that if you work hard, good things happen. If you build a good reputation for yourself, people assume the best of you and in you. His dad and I were pretty squeaky clean kids (yes I know, gag me). We give him examples of how that helps in life, staying out of trouble, that is. With that though, we tell him none of us is perfect, we've made mistakes too, shared with him the results, and said how "not fun" those situations were.
There is hope.
I really think L&L has saved us. I heard about it in 2001, and have been using it since. Our oldest son was 6yr old at the time, and I wondered if it was too late. He fought L&L, kicking and screaming. He's fought it all this time, with pure venom. I never expect kids to like parenting, but he really takes things to the extreme level. He got home last night & we asked him what this award is for. He has no idea. Honor roll? Nope. He's in the 7th grade, and you have to have top grades for all of 7th grade, plus 1 quarter of 8th grade to get into National Honor Society. So, this is a genuine unique award, just for him. This has really made my decade. The important thing is not that he makes me proud, but that he is proud of himself. We've always told the kids that it's important to do well in school & life, for their own future. Their father and I will not be supporting them financially after a point (college age), so it's in their best interest to do well in school and life. It will not punish us if they do poorly. It will just be sad. We've always had them claim their accolades & consequences in their own name. It's not about pleasing us, it's about them being proud of themselves. Just thought I'd share some good news. There is hope, even for the severely challenged child. I'll let you know next week (the 12th) what the award is for.
The boys have been working hard. Yes, some grumbling along the way. To which I either ignore, or respond with an empathetic "I know it's hard." My husband has been making them dinner. Last night they had chicken strips for the 4th night in a row. Boys not thrilled, but glad to see the light at the end of the tunnel with all their hard work on a chart. Gee, I never thought the boys would tire of Tyson chicken products. Guess there's a first for everything.
I was moved to tears yesterday in this process. Our oldest son called from a school trip yesterday, saying the buses were hours behind schedule. He was calling from a cell, in a crowded space with hundreds of middle schoolers. I thanked him for letting me know. He then said (& remember he's in a crowded place with peers) :
"I love you Mom". I love him too.
He's grown into a place the last few years where public hugging, displays of affection, and God forbid saying "I love you", are really just embarrassing. I think it was huge and so sweet for him to say "I love you" in front of all those kids.
Next item on the list: In the mail yesterday, there was a letter from the school. Me? Cringing at the thought of what's in the envelope. This is the kid who was kicked out of the 6th grade multiple times, he's taken a vacuum cleaner pipe and threatened to kill me, destroyed my personal property, begged his father & I to get a divorce so that he can have two birthday parties & two sets of electronics, etc. Gee, what does the school want now? Quite hesitant, and with a sigh, I opened the envelope. It says "Our staff is pleased to announce that your child will receive an award for outstanding achievement in academics or public service", with details following. I about fell out of my chair. Now, seriously, I don't think the worst in my kid. However, this last couple years, living with his bipolar disorder, ADHD, and ODD, has really had me looking forward to the day he will go live on his own. Sometimes he is so sweet and fun and I relish the time we have together.....knowing it will only be for another few years; other times he seems possessed. I'm digressing.
I wanted to cry. The kid has hope. I've always told him that if you work hard, good things happen. If you build a good reputation for yourself, people assume the best of you and in you. His dad and I were pretty squeaky clean kids (yes I know, gag me). We give him examples of how that helps in life, staying out of trouble, that is. With that though, we tell him none of us is perfect, we've made mistakes too, shared with him the results, and said how "not fun" those situations were.
There is hope.
I really think L&L has saved us. I heard about it in 2001, and have been using it since. Our oldest son was 6yr old at the time, and I wondered if it was too late. He fought L&L, kicking and screaming. He's fought it all this time, with pure venom. I never expect kids to like parenting, but he really takes things to the extreme level. He got home last night & we asked him what this award is for. He has no idea. Honor roll? Nope. He's in the 7th grade, and you have to have top grades for all of 7th grade, plus 1 quarter of 8th grade to get into National Honor Society. So, this is a genuine unique award, just for him. This has really made my decade. The important thing is not that he makes me proud, but that he is proud of himself. We've always told the kids that it's important to do well in school & life, for their own future. Their father and I will not be supporting them financially after a point (college age), so it's in their best interest to do well in school and life. It will not punish us if they do poorly. It will just be sad. We've always had them claim their accolades & consequences in their own name. It's not about pleasing us, it's about them being proud of themselves. Just thought I'd share some good news. There is hope, even for the severely challenged child. I'll let you know next week (the 12th) what the award is for.There is hope.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Do Not Let Your Children Grow Into This (long post)
I'm on a Love and Logic board. A lady wrote in today, and I wanted to scream in horror at her neglectful job of parenting. I rarely participate in yahoo board/chat board chatting, and mostly lurk. But today I thought this lady needed a wakeup call. Here's what she wrote:
"Hello group,I am a newbie. I have ordered the book, but have not gotten ityet. I have a 21 year old son who is taking four classes at a localjunior college and is working 20-30 hours a week. He is amiable andeasy going...as long as we don't ask him to do anything to helparound the house. For the last six or seven years, his only job hasbeen to take out the trash once a week. He always procrastinates andwaits until the last minute to take it out. There is usually yellinginvolved to get him to do it at all. If my husband and I want to goto sleep before he takes it out, we gather up the garbage from ourbedroom, bathroom, and office and leave it outside our door for him.Otherwise, he would have to come in and wake us up to get it. Hisroom is like a pigsty. He hasn't changed his sheets in over a year.It smells horrible. He has always lacked interest in his appearanceand hygiene, in spite of private comments of encouragement from me,and teasing from siblings and friends. His schedule is ratherunusual since he takes his classes in the evenings. He mostly worksfrom home and e-mails it to his boss on his own schedule. He staysup until 3am or later, then sleeps until 3 pm. He is responsible fordoing his own laundry, but he doesn't do it until he runs out ofclean clothes. Then it takes several full days to get it all done.I am considering throwing away or giving away most of his clothes, inorder to force him to do it more often. It would also keep his roomneater if there were fewer clothes on the floor.How would a love & logic parent phrase advice to this child?Thanks in advance for your help.Charlotte"
My response:
"I'm going to say something strong here. It's due to the fact that my husband and myself discuss this sort of thing and our children's futures quite often.You could give him two options:
1-Pay rent, give him renter's rules, fees for breaking renter'srules, a contract (that you can find online). If he can't handle it,he is out that month (as stated in the contract). You can give him notice. If he tries a pissing contest with you, you will need to put all his things outside and change the locks one day when he is not home.I'm saying this from my husband's experience as well. My husband was the third child (of four), and rather the "Man of the House". He went thru this scenario when he was 17 & his older sister was 19. It did have to come to putting her things on the front lawn & changing thelocks one day when she was at work. On top of all you write about regarding your son, my SIL was verbally abusive to those who lived in the house. She thought she was entitled to act that way seeing as she was burdened with waiting around to "marry well", since college would be work and all. (ROFL). She cleaned up her act within 24hrs, found an apartment, and never moved home again. She did just fine with her salary from the pizza restaurant.
2-You could cut to the chase now, and tell your son he has 24 hours to move out. It's your house and you can live the way you want. As adults, our names are on the mortgage, and what we say goes. Your son is old enough to make good choices, and it sadly seems like he doesn't care. If he can't clean up his mess and take out the trash within 24hrs, kick his stuff out and change the locks. This is actually the route that was taken with my SIL. No warning (other than years of fighting and discussing her problems with her). One morning my MIL and husband had enough, and moved her out. Changing the locks too.I wish you luck here. I'm sure it's painful to deal with this. And you obviously love your son dearly. Best of luck to you and I wish you well."
Her response, which makes me want to punch her for allowing her son to be such an ASS!:
"Thank you for your reply. DS21 is certainly old enough torealize that there is more to life than computer games. I wonder ifhe may be addicted to playing games. Tough love may be the onlyoption, but DH does not want DS21 to move out until he finishescollege.I saw a T-shirt in a store recently that said "Genius by birth,Slacker by choice"....that describes our son to a "T" (pun intended)!He is witty and brilliant (high IQ and ACT/SAT test scores.) He wasa beautiful baby/child, but due to bad acne combined with his lackofcare, his face is now pitted. He only showers and washes his hairbecause we make him do it. When he doesn't shower, his body odornearly knocks us out.He has three good friends who have married since high school.He sees them as henpecked. He is not looking for a girlfriend yet.DH and I agree that he needs to finish college and get a better job,so we are not pushing him to find a girlfriend. (He may be like DH'snephew who is getting married next month at age 30, after college,good job, purchased a home and several vehicles.)Besides playing computer games and watching NASCAR, heparticipates in local short-track auto racing. He has a race cardonated by a local junkyard. His other vehicle is an '81 Volkswagenpick-up truck. His friends tease him that everyone knows his truckbecause it sticks-out. It has white doors on a tan truck body. Somehave even called it a "ghetto buggy". He and his dad converted itfrom burning "diesel only" to burning diesel fuel and veggie oil tosave money. WE offered to get his truck painted for him as a rewardfor earning his EAGLE SCOUT award, but he prefers to keep it "asis". He really does not care at all what anybody thinks about HIMor his truck.I am going to look on-line for those age-level chores. I ama "list-maker", so I think I need to make a list of all of thehousehold chores and discuss them with each of the five children wholive in our home (ages 15-21; 3 bio, 2 foster). My husband and Iwork full-time and are active in church activities. We still do thebulk of the chores, too.DS21 is very capable of articulating anything he chooses to,but every conversation on the topics you mentioned feels like we arenagging him. We have to ask him several times to give us his classschedules and his grades. He conveniently forgets to do thosethings that he doesn't really want to do anyway.I know I have been too vague about some of my expectations. Iam learning to ask for specific things done within a reasonableamount of time.I know that I cannot live with garbage piled up in our house,so the logical consequence of not taking out the trash is not anoption.We do not give him an allowance, just meals at home and a roofover his head. He works for fuel money, insurance, cell phone,meals out, movies, cable and internet. He helps pay for his collegetuition and books. He also pays for parts and fuel for his racecar. He scours junkyards to find cheap parts.He is our oldest child and was spoiled more than the others.His health has always been delicate. He breaks out in hives when hegets stressed out. He even had shingles in the sixth-grade. Heoften has stomach-aches, head-aches, and he has always slept for 10-12 hours every night. He went to counseling for help dealing withhis ADD (without hyperactivity) during high school. He took Ritalinbut hated it and no longer takes it. He really needs time-management skills, but that is another topic that he refuses todiscuss.He is sweet, loving, and generous, but he really needs to "growup" in certain areas.Thank you all for your suggestions. I will try to keep youposted.Charlotte"
I responded with a more stern direct post this time:
"You wrote: "I am going to look on-line for those age-level chores".You won't find age appropriate chores for a 21yr old. He is old enough to run his own home, job, life, and pay rent/mortgage. He is choosing to get by doing as little as possible, because you let him. He is motivated enough to do and get what he wants (from what you write). And he will continue to do as much for himself and as little as possible for you as long as you let him. It's called "enabling".
I am 37 yrs old. I moved out when I was 20yrs old, put myself thru a four year degree in Accounting (age18-22). I graduated from college, got married, and became a home owner all at age 22. In that same year I also dealt with the death of a loved one, and I got hit on the freeway by a semi-truck, leaving me with neck injuries and lawsuits. I muddled thru just fine. All at age 22. I have "delicate health" myself, and I've gotten on A-OK. If your son is smart enough to do all that you say he does, he is capable of doing anything.
You really have lots of options. He can be on your health insurance and you can pay for college, etc. He can also move out if he can't deal with normal expectations. I would not let an animal, let alone a human being stink up my home with BO, sheets that are not changed, dirty clothing, whatnot. For example, I tell my teenager, "when you are clean and smell nice, you may join us for dinner." He'd rather shower than starve. And my son has mental disabilities to boot. He still "gets it" though, and hits the shower. By the way, I have five kids (3bio, 2adopted). Four of my children have special needs/disabilities. I don't think that gives them a free-card to get out of age appropriate responsibility. To let our kids out of responsibility is derelict in our duty as parents, neglect on the parental part, and we are robbing our children of "getting wings", flying on their own, having self-esteem, life skills, social skills, relationship skills, etc.
If a child had disabilities/handicaps, they would still need to become independant at some point (unless they were retarded or had some severe medical condition requiring hospice). Even retarded children can function often independantly. Obviously your son is far more able and capable than that. This will probably not be the popular post, but he's not coming around because he doesn't have to. You've set up the system at yourhouse, and he goes by it. There's no incentive for him to change because the only consequence is "nagging". Well, a key Love and Logic principle is to not try to control our kids. BUT, we have to be strong enough and mature enough to pull the "here's what I'm going to do.................." and run your house accordingly by "if X happens, Y is what I do". And follow thru and be consistent. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Like I said, I have fivekids, 4 with disabilities. So, I do have experience in all this.
Best wishes to you. You sound like a smart lady. Change will occur when you make changes yourself. Good luck on this venture. You will be giving a gift to your son by having expectations, rules, and order in your home. I truly wish you the best as it sounds like a really painful situation that you choose to live with."
That is the nicest version I could stomache to write her........
And her son doesn't want to date? What a joke. No one would want to stand near him, let alone DATE him! Good God. They are living in the land of denial.
What do you think about this sort of thing?
"Hello group,I am a newbie. I have ordered the book, but have not gotten ityet. I have a 21 year old son who is taking four classes at a localjunior college and is working 20-30 hours a week. He is amiable andeasy going...as long as we don't ask him to do anything to helparound the house. For the last six or seven years, his only job hasbeen to take out the trash once a week. He always procrastinates andwaits until the last minute to take it out. There is usually yellinginvolved to get him to do it at all. If my husband and I want to goto sleep before he takes it out, we gather up the garbage from ourbedroom, bathroom, and office and leave it outside our door for him.Otherwise, he would have to come in and wake us up to get it. Hisroom is like a pigsty. He hasn't changed his sheets in over a year.It smells horrible. He has always lacked interest in his appearanceand hygiene, in spite of private comments of encouragement from me,and teasing from siblings and friends. His schedule is ratherunusual since he takes his classes in the evenings. He mostly worksfrom home and e-mails it to his boss on his own schedule. He staysup until 3am or later, then sleeps until 3 pm. He is responsible fordoing his own laundry, but he doesn't do it until he runs out ofclean clothes. Then it takes several full days to get it all done.I am considering throwing away or giving away most of his clothes, inorder to force him to do it more often. It would also keep his roomneater if there were fewer clothes on the floor.How would a love & logic parent phrase advice to this child?Thanks in advance for your help.Charlotte"
My response:
"I'm going to say something strong here. It's due to the fact that my husband and myself discuss this sort of thing and our children's futures quite often.You could give him two options:
1-Pay rent, give him renter's rules, fees for breaking renter'srules, a contract (that you can find online). If he can't handle it,he is out that month (as stated in the contract). You can give him notice. If he tries a pissing contest with you, you will need to put all his things outside and change the locks one day when he is not home.I'm saying this from my husband's experience as well. My husband was the third child (of four), and rather the "Man of the House". He went thru this scenario when he was 17 & his older sister was 19. It did have to come to putting her things on the front lawn & changing thelocks one day when she was at work. On top of all you write about regarding your son, my SIL was verbally abusive to those who lived in the house. She thought she was entitled to act that way seeing as she was burdened with waiting around to "marry well", since college would be work and all. (ROFL). She cleaned up her act within 24hrs, found an apartment, and never moved home again. She did just fine with her salary from the pizza restaurant.
2-You could cut to the chase now, and tell your son he has 24 hours to move out. It's your house and you can live the way you want. As adults, our names are on the mortgage, and what we say goes. Your son is old enough to make good choices, and it sadly seems like he doesn't care. If he can't clean up his mess and take out the trash within 24hrs, kick his stuff out and change the locks. This is actually the route that was taken with my SIL. No warning (other than years of fighting and discussing her problems with her). One morning my MIL and husband had enough, and moved her out. Changing the locks too.I wish you luck here. I'm sure it's painful to deal with this. And you obviously love your son dearly. Best of luck to you and I wish you well."
Her response, which makes me want to punch her for allowing her son to be such an ASS!:
"Thank you for your reply. DS21 is certainly old enough torealize that there is more to life than computer games. I wonder ifhe may be addicted to playing games. Tough love may be the onlyoption, but DH does not want DS21 to move out until he finishescollege.I saw a T-shirt in a store recently that said "Genius by birth,Slacker by choice"....that describes our son to a "T" (pun intended)!He is witty and brilliant (high IQ and ACT/SAT test scores.) He wasa beautiful baby/child, but due to bad acne combined with his lackofcare, his face is now pitted. He only showers and washes his hairbecause we make him do it. When he doesn't shower, his body odornearly knocks us out.He has three good friends who have married since high school.He sees them as henpecked. He is not looking for a girlfriend yet.DH and I agree that he needs to finish college and get a better job,so we are not pushing him to find a girlfriend. (He may be like DH'snephew who is getting married next month at age 30, after college,good job, purchased a home and several vehicles.)Besides playing computer games and watching NASCAR, heparticipates in local short-track auto racing. He has a race cardonated by a local junkyard. His other vehicle is an '81 Volkswagenpick-up truck. His friends tease him that everyone knows his truckbecause it sticks-out. It has white doors on a tan truck body. Somehave even called it a "ghetto buggy". He and his dad converted itfrom burning "diesel only" to burning diesel fuel and veggie oil tosave money. WE offered to get his truck painted for him as a rewardfor earning his EAGLE SCOUT award, but he prefers to keep it "asis". He really does not care at all what anybody thinks about HIMor his truck.I am going to look on-line for those age-level chores. I ama "list-maker", so I think I need to make a list of all of thehousehold chores and discuss them with each of the five children wholive in our home (ages 15-21; 3 bio, 2 foster). My husband and Iwork full-time and are active in church activities. We still do thebulk of the chores, too.DS21 is very capable of articulating anything he chooses to,but every conversation on the topics you mentioned feels like we arenagging him. We have to ask him several times to give us his classschedules and his grades. He conveniently forgets to do thosethings that he doesn't really want to do anyway.I know I have been too vague about some of my expectations. Iam learning to ask for specific things done within a reasonableamount of time.I know that I cannot live with garbage piled up in our house,so the logical consequence of not taking out the trash is not anoption.We do not give him an allowance, just meals at home and a roofover his head. He works for fuel money, insurance, cell phone,meals out, movies, cable and internet. He helps pay for his collegetuition and books. He also pays for parts and fuel for his racecar. He scours junkyards to find cheap parts.He is our oldest child and was spoiled more than the others.His health has always been delicate. He breaks out in hives when hegets stressed out. He even had shingles in the sixth-grade. Heoften has stomach-aches, head-aches, and he has always slept for 10-12 hours every night. He went to counseling for help dealing withhis ADD (without hyperactivity) during high school. He took Ritalinbut hated it and no longer takes it. He really needs time-management skills, but that is another topic that he refuses todiscuss.He is sweet, loving, and generous, but he really needs to "growup" in certain areas.Thank you all for your suggestions. I will try to keep youposted.Charlotte"
I responded with a more stern direct post this time:
"You wrote: "I am going to look on-line for those age-level chores".You won't find age appropriate chores for a 21yr old. He is old enough to run his own home, job, life, and pay rent/mortgage. He is choosing to get by doing as little as possible, because you let him. He is motivated enough to do and get what he wants (from what you write). And he will continue to do as much for himself and as little as possible for you as long as you let him. It's called "enabling".
I am 37 yrs old. I moved out when I was 20yrs old, put myself thru a four year degree in Accounting (age18-22). I graduated from college, got married, and became a home owner all at age 22. In that same year I also dealt with the death of a loved one, and I got hit on the freeway by a semi-truck, leaving me with neck injuries and lawsuits. I muddled thru just fine. All at age 22. I have "delicate health" myself, and I've gotten on A-OK. If your son is smart enough to do all that you say he does, he is capable of doing anything.
You really have lots of options. He can be on your health insurance and you can pay for college, etc. He can also move out if he can't deal with normal expectations. I would not let an animal, let alone a human being stink up my home with BO, sheets that are not changed, dirty clothing, whatnot. For example, I tell my teenager, "when you are clean and smell nice, you may join us for dinner." He'd rather shower than starve. And my son has mental disabilities to boot. He still "gets it" though, and hits the shower. By the way, I have five kids (3bio, 2adopted). Four of my children have special needs/disabilities. I don't think that gives them a free-card to get out of age appropriate responsibility. To let our kids out of responsibility is derelict in our duty as parents, neglect on the parental part, and we are robbing our children of "getting wings", flying on their own, having self-esteem, life skills, social skills, relationship skills, etc.
If a child had disabilities/handicaps, they would still need to become independant at some point (unless they were retarded or had some severe medical condition requiring hospice). Even retarded children can function often independantly. Obviously your son is far more able and capable than that. This will probably not be the popular post, but he's not coming around because he doesn't have to. You've set up the system at yourhouse, and he goes by it. There's no incentive for him to change because the only consequence is "nagging". Well, a key Love and Logic principle is to not try to control our kids. BUT, we have to be strong enough and mature enough to pull the "here's what I'm going to do.................." and run your house accordingly by "if X happens, Y is what I do". And follow thru and be consistent. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Like I said, I have fivekids, 4 with disabilities. So, I do have experience in all this.
Best wishes to you. You sound like a smart lady. Change will occur when you make changes yourself. Good luck on this venture. You will be giving a gift to your son by having expectations, rules, and order in your home. I truly wish you the best as it sounds like a really painful situation that you choose to live with."
That is the nicest version I could stomache to write her........
And her son doesn't want to date? What a joke. No one would want to stand near him, let alone DATE him! Good God. They are living in the land of denial.
What do you think about this sort of thing?
More on Addicts
I think alot goes on with a person before they turn to alcohol, drugs, fill-in-the-blank addiction. I feel that the addiction is a self-medication. I just wish people could get themselves help before they turn to an addiction. I don't think anyone wakes up and decides to become an addict. I think it's usually at the end of a long road of crap.
MyGirlElena brought up a good point, about my son and my parents. I feel my son has inherited his medical problems from my dad. Ever since I heard about bipolar disorder, um, about 20+ years ago, I have believed my dad is an alcoholic. He is also a hoarder, which is the secondary reason my mom, sister, and I left my dad. Well, there was the cheating, abuse, inappropriate behavior as well. Later on I realized I figured my dad also has OCD, Add/Adhd, perhaps some form of Aspergers..................the possibilities are endless. He can barely function in life.
Anyway, I firmly believe my son has inherited the cyclothymia (mild bipolar) & ADHD from my Dad. Very sad. I truly wish my relatives could get the help they need.
I think I'll go browse thru my "Co-Dependant No More" by Melody Beattie..................I read it atleast once a year. I highly recommend it as the best book for a person with a relative(s) with addiction(s). It's a must read. There are follow up books as well.
MyGirlElena brought up a good point, about my son and my parents. I feel my son has inherited his medical problems from my dad. Ever since I heard about bipolar disorder, um, about 20+ years ago, I have believed my dad is an alcoholic. He is also a hoarder, which is the secondary reason my mom, sister, and I left my dad. Well, there was the cheating, abuse, inappropriate behavior as well. Later on I realized I figured my dad also has OCD, Add/Adhd, perhaps some form of Aspergers..................the possibilities are endless. He can barely function in life.
Anyway, I firmly believe my son has inherited the cyclothymia (mild bipolar) & ADHD from my Dad. Very sad. I truly wish my relatives could get the help they need.
I think I'll go browse thru my "Co-Dependant No More" by Melody Beattie..................I read it atleast once a year. I highly recommend it as the best book for a person with a relative(s) with addiction(s). It's a must read. There are follow up books as well.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
He Got It
Thanks for all the comments, feedback, and emails regarding the previous post. At the time I told my husband that it seemed like he was trying to put himself on a pedestal, and leave me the bad guy. So I do communicate, and he didn't care.
Yesterday afternoon I scheduled a massage for myself in the evening. I called my husband and informed him that when he got home, I would be leaving for said massage. I had a wonderful time at this massage and I think I'll get another one in a month. The gal said I have so much tension and inflammation in my shoulders that it's causing me pain in my arms. Also she said that since I sleep in the fetal position, my arms aren't getting enough circulation. So last night I slept with my arms straight out. It was weird, but felt good. She also told me to ice my shoulders.
Anyway, I returned home last night from my massage to see a bouquet of flowers. Including roses. I love roses. And my husband waiting there with open arms for a hug for me. He said while I was gone he had a "sit-down" (stern chat) with our 4yr old about her behavior. Then they went and bought me flowers. I think he now gets that he was an ass the other night, and that behavior won't be productive for our relationship or the parenting of our children. By the way, our 4yr old is back in diapers full time. I think peeing in a pullup three times a day is just too much. Plus we've informed her that she needs to tell us when she has wet panties/pullup so that she can get dry. She refuses to do this. She also refuses to go change on her own into dry panties/pullup. So we are taking that responsibility, control, conflict out of the picture for now.
Today our 4yr old started preschool (12:25pm). She spent about 2/3 of the morning crying before preschool, because she's in a diaper. Guess she had to get her feelings out.
In other news, our 12yr old who has ODD recently got some diagnosis to figure out what is behind the ODD. He has cyclothymia (mild bipolar disorder) and ADHD. Yes, this would explain his behavior and difficulties. I'm glad we are now on a path to help him with these, with lots of ideas and suggestions from the psychologist. This son started wrestling season yesterday. I'm proud of him for trying a new sport, as he's had difficulty being on a team in the past. So much so that he's been kicked off a team, and suspended from others. I think wrestling will be really good for him. It's a really difficult sport, and encourages many positive traits and disciplines. He had a great time at his first practice, and even took a guy down. I hope this will be a great positive outlet for him and all his energy and frustrations.
Yesterday afternoon I scheduled a massage for myself in the evening. I called my husband and informed him that when he got home, I would be leaving for said massage. I had a wonderful time at this massage and I think I'll get another one in a month. The gal said I have so much tension and inflammation in my shoulders that it's causing me pain in my arms. Also she said that since I sleep in the fetal position, my arms aren't getting enough circulation. So last night I slept with my arms straight out. It was weird, but felt good. She also told me to ice my shoulders.
Anyway, I returned home last night from my massage to see a bouquet of flowers. Including roses. I love roses. And my husband waiting there with open arms for a hug for me. He said while I was gone he had a "sit-down" (stern chat) with our 4yr old about her behavior. Then they went and bought me flowers. I think he now gets that he was an ass the other night, and that behavior won't be productive for our relationship or the parenting of our children. By the way, our 4yr old is back in diapers full time. I think peeing in a pullup three times a day is just too much. Plus we've informed her that she needs to tell us when she has wet panties/pullup so that she can get dry. She refuses to do this. She also refuses to go change on her own into dry panties/pullup. So we are taking that responsibility, control, conflict out of the picture for now.
Today our 4yr old started preschool (12:25pm). She spent about 2/3 of the morning crying before preschool, because she's in a diaper. Guess she had to get her feelings out.
In other news, our 12yr old who has ODD recently got some diagnosis to figure out what is behind the ODD. He has cyclothymia (mild bipolar disorder) and ADHD. Yes, this would explain his behavior and difficulties. I'm glad we are now on a path to help him with these, with lots of ideas and suggestions from the psychologist. This son started wrestling season yesterday. I'm proud of him for trying a new sport, as he's had difficulty being on a team in the past. So much so that he's been kicked off a team, and suspended from others. I think wrestling will be really good for him. It's a really difficult sport, and encourages many positive traits and disciplines. He had a great time at his first practice, and even took a guy down. I hope this will be a great positive outlet for him and all his energy and frustrations.
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