The Adoption Arena Resurfaces

Since we disrupted, we have put all things adoption on hold. We are not trying, waiting, holding our breath. We have been moving forward, grieving, healing, and creating a new life. This week the adoption arena resurfaced. I was not expecting this, but it has been a joyful blessing, albeit, a little bittersweet.

The executive director of our domestic adoption agency got in touch with us. She told me our SW never told her we disrupted. This was news to her this week. Our SW buried our files off-site in storage, and only just now are the head honchos finding out what really happened. They called to find out from us, in our words, what happened. They want us to foster and/or adopt again. But more interesting, they want us to be a source on disruption for their staff and PAP's. Again, interesting. She apologized for what we went thru, what the state put us thru, and how inept our SW was. She said what happened to us just should not happen to people. Putting a completely disturbed dangerous child in our care, and the state denying her medical/mental resources was just ghastly. I emailed her documents we had on our case and the girls, and emails I'd sent our SW during our case. She sent us the following email:

"Thank you for taking the time to put the documents together for me. I know that it is hard to have to rehash and some what relive this sad time of your life. I am praying that the Lord will use you to bring light to any other situations like yours. I pray that the Lord will give you strength and guidance. Also I pray for healing, I am so sorry how you have been hurt for opening your home and heart for these girls and also the rest of your family.
I am so glad that you called and shared with me so honestly what happened to your family. I would like to continue to have other conversations with you so that XYZ Adoptions* can learn and be taught through you very sad experience.
My prayers for you, (signed by exec dir)"

signed. received. We are blessed to hear this news and know our adoption agency wants this. We are more than happy to help in any way possible, help their staff, help families, whatnot. I told her we are not ready to foster and/or adopt at this moment, but we have not closed the door on it. We just need more time to heal, more time to spend on our marriage, more time in general.

As a bonus, the girls bio family has gotten our address and phone number (I have no idea how, but guessing DSHS gave it out). They are using our address & phone number for their bills. Nice. I should not be surprised any more. And of course these people do not pay their bills, so bill collectors are calling. Good times. Thru my investigation of all this, without giving out alot of details, it looks like the girls have been thru yet another disruption. I was told they are back with the foster family.

*not real name

Another Transportation Update, and an Interview, & the Girls

Update on the Careless School Bus Driver (post HERE -clickable):

The transportation department said that unfortunately, my son's story is true. The bus driver admitted to it.

She has had a perfect record with the district, until now. Because she has an immaculate record, they are instigating disciplinary action against her with the school district, in lieu of firing her. That works for me. I would hate to see someone out of work.

On the job front, I called the school district Thursday to see when they hire. Soon? End of Summer? They said they didn't have all my paperwork, and were waiting for that before they call me for interviews. Well, since I turned in all my paperwork in person to the school district, I know it's not lost in the mail. Sigh. So, I redid the missing paperwork and submitted Friday. Today I got called for an interview. It's for a Full-Time assistant/bookkeeper for a highschool principal. This would be great. This highschool is the one in the district closest to me. The only thing I have to figure out is summer child care. I'm calling the Boys & Girls Club to see what their summer program is. It's less than 10 minutes from the highschool. Also I told them that fulltime work would be difficult in the summer, due to finding childcare for an autistic child (our 9yr old). They said they can work with that, and discuss parttime summer employment. COOL!
Interview Wednesday. Skills testing Thursday. To be continued......

I spoke with the governors office today about the girls medical records coming to me. She said it's still not resolved, the girls live no where near us, and there is a new supervisor on their case. I asked if the old supervisor left? Nope. She was removed from the girls case management. PROGRESS!! Even though the girls do not live with us, we want the best for them. Hopefully new staff on the case will improve the outlook for the girls future. Additionally the girls new home is a foster home, not an adoptive placement. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. How fascinating. They would put the 3yr old in another foster home, yet not with us, all in the name of "keeping siblings together"? I have to trust God that He is watching over them and their care, and watching over the 3yr old while she is present with the 5yr old (the predator). Back to the medical info coming to me, the state asked me to call the medical provider & straighten this out. I told them "no", this is not my problem, I just want to make sure the girls are getting their medical care. Additionally I said, in the future I will put "return to sender" on all mail for the girls, and the sending parties can get a clue. Works for me & the governor's office!! Perhaps the girls will not get medical care, but I've done all I can, and have to let the rest go.

Update on the Girls

The girls medical info continues to come to us in the mail. This feels like such a slap in the face every time a piece of mail comes for them. It drives a knife in the big gaping wound in my heart.

I called the state head of DSHS in the governor's office yesterday, to tell her. Really, the girls records are none of our business. But more importantly, they aren't getting medical/dental/counseling care or attention, not even well-child checks (according to their medical records I get in the mail). That really disturbs me. So I told her all this, and asked if the girls are in an adoptive home? Back with the old foster family? Being well taken care of? Can I know that the girls are quite a ways from us geographically, for our safety & well being??

She is going to get back to me on all this. She asked if I notified the SW. Yes, of course I did. Multiple times, and he always said he'd taken care of it. Ah but of course. Another lying snaky SW. I hate that. I realize they are over worked & under paid, but to sit there and lie to me for months is just retarded.

Above all, I know the girls aren't getting medical attention (or dental/counseling/specialized care) because you have to present the medical info at every appointment. If their medical info comes to me, it's not with the new family. Therefore, new family isn't getting them attention. So, fortunately, the state agreed that is disturbing news, and they are required to pay attention to that. They seem pleasant when I call, and very kind.

Since I had their attention, I told her we still want to adopt the younger sister. We are so very sad she is placed with her older sister who molests and abuses her. She told me what she can say is that the girls are in a home with a formal "Safety Plan" in place. That would go along with what they told me months ago, that they were looking for, for this sibling group. A home where there were always two adults present, when the 5yr old is home. One on one attention for both children, and no other children living in the home. So, that is good. I told her to please put down for the record that we want to be notified if the girls are ever separated, so that we may adopt the younger one.

Every time I get their mail, or see yet another toy/belonging left behind by them, it just breaks my heart.

I can't gather the intelligence to understand why the state placed a predator with us & our children, especially when we told them upfront that we could not take a predator. In our home, ALL children have the right to be safe.

I know God has a purpose for all this. I realize that I may never know in my lifetime why these things happen. It's a tough cross to bear though.

This last week I've been plagued with "what-ifs", regarding the girls. What if we DID go to that required weekly marital & individual counseling (I went to individual counseling....didn't help the child)? What if I had pulled her out of preschool (since it was more of a pain in the ass, and she missed her nap)? What if I had her in full time daycare a few days a week? What if we had found some respite? What if I consulted members of our church and asked for help (I didn't do it at the time because I felt Sissy was owed some privacy)? What if we had secretly taken her to an attachment therapist, and hoped she didn't tell the SW's (since the SW's cancelled her counseling & required she not attend)? What if we had waited for the FCAP findings & referrals to services (that the SW would not authorize payment)? What if what if what if..............................

When Sissy requires that much attention, and is not legally allowed to live with other children (other than her sister), well, why on earth did the state put them with us? We had five children when the girls were here, no where close to the ratio of adult-child interaction the state now admits she requires.

Why do we have to bear the burden of this grief, to get her to a home that can provide for her needs? Since she needs this much supervision, how on earth were we to ever be a suitable match? How on earth could the boys have stayed safe, at least for much longer? And me as well. How many months, years, would she continue trying to fondle me? How many months or years would it take for her to learn to not give in to her impulsive dangerous behavior?

sigh. I just feel terrible. I'm not used to not having a solution. I grew up thinking you work hard, seek out lots of options and alternatives, and you can find a way. With God, all things are possible. I was waiting for a miracle.

It tears me up that my middle son is so sad, missing Lovey. We all miss her. But those two, well, they had such a most special bond. They were together nearly every minute our son was out of school, from dawn to dusk. We miss her terribly. Her older sister? I grieve, not knowing how to have helped her. I miss her, knowing full well that it's not her fault that she is so messed up. And I grieve the loss of a dream: the dream to raise those girls as my daughters.

Tonight my husband told me to not beat myself up. Easier said than done. I told him I can't help but have feelings.

When we turned to professionals for help for her, we were treated horribly.

I still continue to run into people in public or church who don't know we disrupted the adoption. And it's like picking at a scab or open wound every time, to have to inform people of what happened. Bless their hearts, everyone, and I mean everyone, we know is 100% supportive of our disruption, considering the situation and all. Everyone we know knows we gave it our all. I guess that's what stings, knowing our best wasn't good enough. Today's Dr. Phil was on dangerous children, and he told the parents there comes a time where it's not about parents controlling the situation. There comes a time and a place where it is unsafe to have those kids habitating in the same home, and the parents have to realize the situation is beyond the capabilities of parents. These children have to be removed from the home for the safety of others, and to live with medical staff. At least for a time being, so that medical evaluations can be done. I fought for those medical evaluations, and we were denied. Who on earth denies a child medical care? What has our social services adoption units turned into? They really appaul me.

So, I continue to learn how to move on. I don't feel so sad every day. Now, the girls cross my mind daily, but I'm only sad occasionally. So that's a good thing.

Stay tuned for a more positive upbeat post next time. Truly, I do have mostly good days. Many are great.

Claiming Your Child

This (clickable) is really good. It's an article about the wrong reasons to adopt.

THIS (clickable) is really good too...............................
I really appreciate this article, and agree with it whole heartedly. However, nothing is included here about the older adopted child who is a danger to self and others (amongst a myriad of severe issues). Not to mention, say it was never disclosed to the innocent, wide-eyed, loving, eager, and prayerful adoptive parents that said child is a daily danger to self and others? How about the other siblings in the picture? What about their safety?

Our agency for our domestic adoption talked about Claiming Your Child quite a bit when we would discuss Sissy's serious issues with the SW's. It seemed like a diversion tactic to me by our agency, seeing as they had no solutions for her problems (other than ordering my spouse and I to attend weekly marital counseling and individual counseling both). Our agency did not offer up or support any options for keeping our family safe while continuing with finalizing the adoption (so said child could NOT be on our insurance yet, and Medicaid would not cover what she needed, and her SW would not authorize her to even GET the care she needed, let alone pay for it). Well, yes we've claimed this child(ren), but don't know that they can live in our home without someone being killed, molested, and/or harmed severely.

Any thoughts here? I have to say I feel a tad guilty when reading articles like this, because we claimed the children we adopted. That being said, even a bio child with those issues in our home would have to be removed from the home, exploring various medical and residential placement options. We absolutely would remove a bio child like that. Yes sirree.

Adoption Update

First I have a small update on the girls we disrupted. I know they are not receiving medical care, seeing as their state medical insurance coverage info still comes to me. Sad. So, they are in an adoptive home (allegedly), yet these folks don't bother to take them for well child checkups (they both just had a birthday), no counseling, no testing? God help them all. I really do not think any employer covers family insurance on foster kids. So I truly think the girls are with inept people not meeting their needs.

OK, on to more positive news. My husband and I are still open to adoption. We are happy with our family the way it is, live a positive, healthy, full life. Yet at the same time, our hearts break for orphans. God also calls us to care for the orphans. We have always felt called to this ministry and these children. Our pastor preaches regularly on adoption. He has adopted three children from Kras, Russia. So, thru that we realize that there are several ways to help orphans. We want God's plan, and seek his will.

We would love additional children here, yet literally don't know how to accomplish that at the moment. I would prefer IA, and we loved our Russian adoption adventures (minus our corrupt old agency). Going to Russia to meet our little girl were some of the happiest days of our lives. Due to our agencies unethical and illegal behavior, we were not able to bring home that little girl, or any child for that matter, seeing as our agency is not accredited in Russia. We notified the Russian authorities of this, and the FBI, and there will be a trial that I am testifying at. TBA. We are currently still in litigation with our old agency, and hopefully that will end this year. But since we've been doing this for 3.5yrs now with "old" agency, I'm not holding my breath. All that to say as well, we cannot afford IA at this point, seeing as we've spent over 70K on IA (partially fees to our old agency, partially fees on our litigation).

We have absolutely no confidence or faith in the DSHS/state adoption system. I believe I've posted on that before, so I won't belabor the point.

Anyway, God knows our hearts, and knows our hearts are for adoption. If he wants us to adopt, He'll show us the way. In the meantime, we live enjoying our family full of blessings daily. We are truly grateful.

Now I'm off to recover from my gardening today. I put in a 30x35 ft garden. Ouch, I'm sore.

Shame on DSHS

The xyz DSHS office is being sued for $22 million. This is the same office that placed the girls with us.....

They really are so pathetic. On the news they showed scenes from court. The prosecutor asked the SW why she didn't pick up on the kid's starvation. She said, "I didn't know I was supposed to look for starvation". Oh dear Lord............

Please email me if you would like the news link to the story. I will send after we return from Disney World. Email to sweetangelplus4@yahoo.com.

Today we are off the a kids engineering fair at my alma mater. Tomorrow, off to the happiest place on earth.

Giving Back

I'm still in the process of looking for a job. I applied yesterday to a corporation that is hiring 4 coordinators for various programs. Hopefully I'll hear something back. I highly respect this corporation, and they have a good reputation. They've been around for about 100 years, so I know they are a stable to company to work for.

On giving back: my husband had a great idea for me. Since I like to cook so much, and I'm a giver, nurturer, he told me there is a Battered Women's Shelter in a local area that I could volunteer at. I'd never heard of this one, so I'm really interested. I could cook and donate baked goods once a week (or something). I'd be happy to keep women company, help in any way, and give back to the community. I do have personal experience with this as well, being that I lived in a ridiculously abusive home growing up. We finally got out. It was extremely hard. We had to wait for a night where my dad just didn't come home. We left in the middle of the night, packing and moving all thru the night. My dad came home as we were making our final trip out the door. He had been bar hopping all night, and made this absurd scene in the front yard crying, screaming, and swinging his arms around at my mom, as we were trying to leave. Fortunately there were a couple families from church there helping us move, and they got us out of there safely. This topic really touches me to the core, and I would like to help at a place like this, helping women help themselves.

Other than that, nothing too exciting around here is going on. The weather is driving me crazy! It snowed a couple weeks ago, and was in the upper 80's last weekend. Fortunately we got a ton of yard work done in that nice weather, seeing as it's snowing buckets today. ARGH! what on earth is up with the Pacific Northwest weather? I'm ready for spring!!!

To entertain myself lately, I've been looking at sewing & cross stitch blogs. If you know of any favorite sewing, cross stitch, scrapping blogs, please forward them to me. I love crafts.

On a final note, I decided to cease contact with the girls foster parents. We have been in touch via email regularly. Until this week, they were really nice. Then this week they were dishonest with me, and I really don't need that crap in my life. Too bad for them and the girls; we would have been happy to have been a resource for all of them down the road. I had to come to the place where I saw that staying in contact was giving me more grief and anxiety than what it was worth. They are on their own now. As for us, the governors office & the state head of DSHS are in regular contact with us about the investigation against the girls SW & that DSHS office. So I may receive updates or info there. I really only want a geographic approximation of the girls home now, so we can avoid that area. And visa versa. My husband fears the older girl will grow up, turn 18, and try to locate us: to shoot us. She is really a dangerous disturbed child. Hopefully she will get the help she deserves, for her safety as well as those around her.

The only adventurous and exciting news I have to share is that we are taking the kids to Disney World next week, for 10 days. It should be heaven on earth. As an added bonus, Don & Be are going to try to get together with us while we are in town. Looking forward to meeting in real life with more of my favorite bloggers!!

The Girls Moved

The girls have moved to a new adoptive family. They are out of the area, but still in the same state. The foster parents are staying in touch with them. That's all I know. I will of course post updates as I receive them.

I asked to treat foster mom to tea or brunch. Hopefully we'll get together soon.

I wasn't sure how I would react to this sort of news, once it came. Actually I'm really happy. I'm happy the girls will be in a home with younger parents, younger than senior citizen age (like the FP's). That will be best for everyone. Also it will give the older girl, Sissy, the opportunity to have a real world experience (hopefully). The FP's love them dearly, but their solutions to problems were not what I would call solutions, so much as "baby-jail". For instance, Sissy is so highly difficult and dangerous to take in public. So the FP's just didn't leave their home with her. To me, this doesn't train up a child, but just serves as a holding cell. Additionally, the FP's kept her in daycare full-time so they didn't have to deal with her during the day. The mom-FP is a stay at home mom, yet she didn't want to be home with Sissy all day. She stayed home with Lovey though. So, not how we wanted to raise a family, but the girls were safe and loved.
And that is the most important thing. I'm grateful for every morsel of kindness they gave the girls.

Ring the Bell

OK, I'll keep blogging.

What are we up to? Sports, yard work, trips to the orthodontist, getting ready for the Disney trip, and job hunting. I'll have time to post more in a few weeks.

I did some quilting applique for the first time today. Scary to try new things!! It looks rather scrappy, which is probably OK on a country looking quilt ;o)

Our middle son loved seeing the Dahli Lama. Although, I don't think he learned anything about the seeds of compassion, as the Dahli Lama spoke on this. Our son came home and was an equal opportunity TURD with a capital T for the day. Oh well.

On a bell:
Without spelling out details, someone in my life rang a bell you can't un-ring. I'm deciding how to deal with this. What do you do when someone rings a bell that you just can't un-ring? I always forgive people. With that though, there are times when situations are really pathetic, and I just have to decide how I will approach things differently, give myself some time & distance, whatnot. I need to figure out my new boundaries and way of thinking, etc. Very hard.

News on the girls. The hospital keeps sending us the girls medical bills. Sigh. We have told everyone repeatedly to straighten this out. Sigh. Hopefully this will get sorted out soon. A friend of mine thinks she saw the older girl, Sissy, with a new family today. I wrote the foster parents to see if this is true, or if perhaps it's the girls older sister. There are actually three girls from those parents, but I believe the oldest daughter was adopted out before the next two girls (the girls we had) came along. To be continued...................

The Governor's Office Called

A lady who works for the governor called yesterday. She is handling our case from inside the governor's office. She was really kind, educated, and helpful. She wanted to hear, again, about our experience from the top, before the next phase of the investigation. Also she wanted to know what we feel was the number one problem here, what we want, and what we would like.

I told her I feel the number one problem here were two items:
1. Full disclosure never happened. We were told the girls are "healthy, cute, happy, normal, smart"
2. Medical resources were denied, resources which can save the road this little girl is on, her health, her well being, and the safety & well being of those around her. At a minimum, we wanted the child to have counseling, and access to the UW fetal alcohol center. UW has the best resources in THE WORLD for fetal alcohol, and they have been on the cutting edge of science for this since 1983. UW coined the term "fetal alchohol syndrome." It's appauling that the state would not let her have an appointment there.
The govornor's office agrees with our feelings here.

I told her what we want is the option to adopt the 2yr old (doubtful) and above all we don't want this whole debacle happening to other families. We want the 4yr old (now 5yr old) placed somewhere that she is kept safe from others, children and adults alike.

To back up, I thought it interesting in our most recent email from the foster parents, this item:
They wrote that they went to a meeting at DSHS and the 3rd foster child in the home is moving out. Only the bio sisters will be left. Well, the governor's employee told me yesterday that the 4yr old (now 5yr old) is now classified as a predator, with predatory behavior. At least THAT will help future children around her and her future placements. I imagine this change led to the 3rd child moving out of the foster home. I am thankful.

Back to the story, I also told the lady it was really the final insult to hear from the SW's that we were required to go to personal counseling and marital counseling because "we only needed to parent her better." Sigh. Ya know, I asked, begged, the SW's to tell us the entire six months, how to parent her better.

The state employee was shocked that someone would say that to us. Completely out of line. Not to mention, we ALREADY had several children, some with special needs. We didn't just fall off the turnip truck. We know how to parent a variety of different ways, and parent healthy and not-so-healthy children. To tell someone they "just need to parent better" is putting on the proverbial band aid. Not a real solution.

Anyway, the state is going to try to keep the girls together. They will keep the girls in foster care WITH NO OTHER CHILDREN or put them in an adoptive home WITH NO OTHER CHILDREN (thank you God), a home that is trained to keep the 2yr old safe. I think even the "safe" part is a dangerous walk though. How can anyone guarantee 100% safety when a sibling is a sexual predator? But what do I know..................

So that's the latest update. 99% chance the girls will stay together. And I'm OK with that. It's out of my hands and control. Mainly we don't want another family lied to, blind sighted, and put in danger as we were. I'm sure it will happen again, somewhere, somehow, but at least this sibling group is being handled differently. For now.

FYI-I asked the governor's office what they feel is the biggest problem here. I asked them how we could have handled this differently, improved, dealt with issues, whatnot. They feel the biggest problems here are:
1. The girls "Safety and Information" stats & sheets were lies and not updated to inform, reflect, educate, and ensure safety for others around the older child. (no kidding)
2. She feels we went above and beyond the call of duty here, advocating hard, protecting our other children, etc. She feels the state made a bad placement, putting a predator into our home. She says there is no good way to handle what we went thru, other than to end the situation for the safety of everyone involved.
3. There is a legislative problem in that there is no funding available for these kids to get resources, that they urgently need.

I think that's it. I'm feeling slightly better, so I'm able to go to our church ladies retreat today. I'm off to the Canadian boarder. Over and out.

Stupid Woodpecker & Governor's Letter

A few years ago, we had a woodpecker in at tree by our deck. The woodpecker had a baby, and the baby was not the sharpest tool in the shed. The baby woodpecker would peck in our drainpipes & gutters. This is louder than most anything you can imagine. We could not figure out how to rid ourselves of this problem, other than to cut down the tree that was their home. We cut down the tree, and had peace. For Several years. Until a few days ago. Either the "slow" woodpecker is back, or has given birth to another "slow" baby. Sigh. I have no idea where they are living, so need to figure out how to rid my life of them.

Still have the flu. This is the worst case I've had in years. Oh well. Could be worse.

I updated my weight loss ticker. I've lost 13 pounds since Christmas. I'm pretty excited. Eat less, move more. That's my motto.

Here is a brief of what the governor's letter said:
Thanked us for contact about the girls and this situation.
Sees our letter shares the difficult and painful process we've been thru, and our dismay in DSHS.
Wrote: "There is state statutory language that encourages DSHS to try and not separate siblings, but all placement decisions hinge on what is in the best interest of each child. Siblings may be separated if one or more pose a risk to others in the sibling group."
Said DSHS may be hoping that there is a home that can meet both girls needs, while ensuring safety.
Has ordered DSHS to again review the case and answer to our family about the decisions made (laughable. I'm sure DSHS will say "we did a wonderful job. Please pat us on the back. We are saints.")
Our case has been forwarded to the state Ombudsman. They are an independent watchdog of DSHS, "investigating concerns that are raised so we can make sure that DSHS staff follow appropriate policies, procedures, and state law."

The governor thanked us for our care & concern and all we have done for these girls. The governor also thanked us for writing.

Over and out...................

Flu

I'm still dying of the flu.

An ombudsman is an independant party, counsel, etc., that usually mediates between both sides. For example, colleges usually have an ombudsman for students to go to if they have a complaint about school or college staff, crime(s) on campus, etc.

I'll post more when I'm feeling better. I was up almost the entire night last night. Yuck.

Email from the Governor

The governor emailed us today. WOW! I was NEVER Expecting THAT!!! I'm really sick, so I will only say right now that the governor still has this investigation open, and additionally has opened our case with the state's ombudsman. Didn't know the state has an ombudsman did ya now? We didn't either. I'll post tomorrow........

FLU & other happenings

Where have I been? Dealing with family member after family member with the flu. Now I'm feeling ill as well. Oh well. It's that time of year.

To answer a few questions:
Q-is the 2yr old safe?
A-Doubtful. She is living with her sister in a foster home, with another child to boot. I don't think any child is safe near the 4yr old.

Q-Is 4yr old still in special needs preschool?
A-No. The foster family has her in daycare all day, every day.

Q-Do you have an update on the girls?
A-Yes, I get several updates weekly. Even with 4yr old on her best honeymoon behavior, the foster parents have stated she is a pain, and they are exhausted mentally & physically. They have stated they are only doing this because they know it will be temporary. Not to mention, this "highly difficult" time for them in parenting the 4yr old? The 4yr old is keeping her pants dry. They haven't even had to deal with the control/weapon of her peeing all over the house, car, other people's belongings, school, deal with diapers, bathroom battles, whatnot. Let's all hope she doesn't pull any of that crap on the foster parents. That will put them over the edge. I have to imagine that the 4yr old will pull out her bag of tricks for the next adoptive family. Kids do what they know.
The foster parents are in grief as they know the next adoptive parents may or may not want to stay in touch. In our state, foster parents have no legal right, claim, or custody after the children are in a permanent home. Unless the foster parents are bio grandparents. In that case, they can go to court for visitation rights, if not custody rights.

A little discussion, which I would like to expand on later. A poster commented on staying away from a domestic adoption, after what has happened to us. PLEASE DO NOT LET OUR EXPERIENCE SWAY YOU OR ANYONE FROM DOMESTIC ADOPTION. Our experience is/was rare, and most adoptions are really great experiences for all involved. The national statistics on disruption for older child adoption are 10%. So, I'm not alone, but it's not a club I want to be in.

Q-Will you adopt again?
A-I'm open to it; my husband is not. So I imagine "no" unless God throws us a curve ball. I've been an advocate for adoption, international and domestic, my entire adult life.

I asked my couselor yesterday, what is up with a 4yr old vomiting at will when she doesn't get her way? That was such a red flag for me, that she can do that without even sticking her finger down her throat. And she had no flu, illness, whatnot. The counselor said it's another control and weapon item she has power over. So sad. To me this is a child who is pre-bulemic, if at age 4 they feel they are so out of control that they choose that to try to "control" their environment. So saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

A new happening around here: Some of our closest friends asked us last week to be the legal guardians of their two children, should they, the parents, die young. Now, I normally wouldn't think this would ever come into play, dying young. But weird tragedies happen all the time. Our friends however are in a sad boat. The wife, one of my closest dear friends, has a terminal illness. She could live another year, she could live 20. Who knows. Her husband is in his late 50's, but his father died in his 40's. So, needs are higher for them both, that they need to make plans for their children's safekeeping & welfare compared to the next random family. We are honored and more than happy to be their children's legal guardians, should anything happen to their family. The children are in middle school (one boy, one girl).

A note on gardening. Yesterday I bought several packets of seeds at WalMart. I bought from the brand that sells seeds for ten-thirty cents a packet. My husband said, "oh, the seeds that won't grow?"
What do you think? Just because I bought WalMart cheap seeds, they should grow, shouldn't they?

An email to a friend.......

Here is a copy of an email I sent to a friend. This pretty much sums up how we're doing:

So, how are we doing? I feel relieved the girls are gone, yet heartbroken. We didn't realize how much stress/fear/anxiety we were under until they left. The other half of me is fighting depression. I'm trying to keep busy, workout, go out on dates with hubby, read, finish quilting, deep clean my house, etc. We redid 4yr old's room; 11yr old wanted his own room again. So we took down the wallpaper for three days (I have no idea how 4yr old was able to peel part of it off....she must have steel fingernails), painted the room royal blue (2 walls) & light blue (2 walls). There are white bunk beds in there, so looks good. I'm in the process of making quilts for his bunk beds (americana look), while finishing yours too.

After those are done, I'm moving onto the master bedroom/bath. Our house is almost 10yrs old, so needs painting and fixing up in most rooms. By this summer I'd like to paint the family room & bath down there. It's never been done. Ever. Then I"ll probably paint the kitchen (also never been done & looking like it).

We had a kitchen fire last night. Scared the shit out of me. I don't know how, but a grease fire started on the stove, flames to the ceiling. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!! I started screaming for hubby & threw a wet towel over the fire (while I turned away). Fortunately that put it out. I was fighting back the tears. Again, shit. Just what we would need right about now: a house fire (lol). I need to wash the ceiling now

I got some books at the library today. One of them is on FAS/FAE. I've already read the whole thing. Every single page applies to 4yr old. So sad. I'm going to post about that.....

Everyone we know has been so supportive of disrupting. Some people took a week or two to contact us, but are entirely supportive, lovely, and wonderful.

I really think things could have been different if she had been on our insurance, or the state would have let her get medical care. But alas, they didn't. Heck, respite would have been a huge plus. And they couldn't round that up? Sheesh. Hubby says DSHS did no job of improving our previous outlook on the state welfare system. And I still can't get over 4yr old wanting to play with my boobs all the time. Just creeps me out. We shudder at the thought of embarrassment that we didn't even think about the fact that neighbor kids & kids from church, school, anywhere could have been hurt by her. I feel terrible I tried so hard to make this work, when any of us could have been injured or killed. My first big emergency red flag was when I had to jump her in a parking lot, so she would not be hit by a moving vehicle. I thought "I have to be alive to take care of the rest of the kids. How could they lose a mother?................." Good Lord.

On 2yr old, I figure we'll never hear about that. Weird, the girls info keeps coming to me in the mail: medical coupon, DSHS crap, "personal" jargon. I wrote and told the foster parents because now they don't have the March coupon. Doesn't the SW need to change that? And I'm kinda pissed off about the SW. The foster parents wanted to invite 4yr old's little friend to her bday party. "little friend" is a friend of ours; his parents I met thru MOPS. The SW said "no" to any prior friends. Yet I can be in contact? I have denied being in contact with them. I think the girls would just be confused. Anyway, the whole thing is retarded, and we don't see how it would harm anything to let 4yr olds little friend attend her party. Good Lord, is DSHS fucked up.

OK, enough of that.

We're are making a garden, we decided. There's a great spot in between our shed & pump house (well water). That is about the only part of the yard that gets mostly sun, whereas the rest gets partial shade because we are in the woods (on a few acres). So hubby is going to bring home a rototiller from work & chew up the yard over there. We'll plant lots of veggies & fruit. I'm going to look into taking a local class on gardening 101, but a friend of mine told me to just buy a book. Now this is a gal who grows her own grapes, spices, makes her own wine/beer, eats fruit & veggies out of their garden & orchard, cans everything you can think of. I think she is in a class that I will never reach!! I bow down to her. I'll measure off the yard & tell you how big the garden will be. I think we have about 16X24 feet to work with? Plenty of room.

I'm still helping host the ladies retreat thru church, for March 14-16. Ya know they asked me because I swear so much ;o)
Looking forward to it. It will be up by the Canadian boarder. Although, no one can go to Canada without a passport anymore. Oh hey, I can go to Canada ;o)

We booked a trip to Disney world & NASA for spring. Our kids are more excited than I've ever seen them. We have about half a dozen camping trips lined up for the summer, and I'm going on a scrap booking retreat to (a rural town) in May. So, I think it's good to have lots of plans.

Love, me

Additionally, we are loving going to our 13yr old's wrestling matches. This is his first year and he's really awesome. Seriously, awesome. Guess all that fighting with his brother paid off.....

If any of you have any beginner gardening tips, ideas, warnings, blogs, websites, classes, books, resources, let me know. We are doing veggies & fruits.

On exercise, I had to quit running. I was born with a birth defect in my hip (clickable). One which I wore braces for, for several years. My hip tore out of place when I gave birth to our first son, and has never been quite the same. I have done multiple rounds of PT. They have said the best exercise for me is cycling, walking, and swimming. No running, but a run-walk may work. Well, I tried the run-walk, and my hip hurts for about a week. I've also taken up Pilates, on a DVD, and it's really awesome. So I'll rotate between Pilates & walking.

Always and Forever

I stumbled across Christine's blog (whom I highly respect and admire, by the way) in my blogging this week. I really appreciate her take on disruption. I read thru countless comments on that post though, and I felt sad. Yes, we always think that adoption is forever. Why wouldn't it be? But to say that it SHOULD always be forever, well, walk a mile in my shoes. For those who judge, what would you do if the domestic adoption child placed with you is a predator, your adoption is not finalized, the state is holding that up, and they won't pay for or even authorize medical attention that is urgent and life saving.

Now, I think it would have been entirely different for us if all these issues popped up after the adoption was finalized. Or in an international adoption as well. Why, you may ask? Because we would be fully able to put the child(ren) on our insurance, and get them all the help they need. If our adoption had been finalized, we could have sent her to a treatment center, therapeutic medical environment with 24/7 care, we could have taken her to any doctor/hospital/therapist and billed it to our insurance. Even if we couldn't put a child on our insurance (for some bizarre reason), we could have gotten her medical attention and just footed the bill ourselves.

But the sad fact is, we couldn't even take her to these places and just pay for it out of pocket, because the state is her legal guardian, and they wouldn't authorize medical care. I imagine this is why there is now an open investigation into our SW & the SW's staff. They endangered those girls, the boys, and our entire family.

I honestly feel had we been allowed to get her the medical attention she deserves, without a doubt she would still be our daughter. Perhaps she wouldn't be living in our home at times, as she would be in medical facilities for her dozens of health crisis's, but she would be our daughter, forever.

Here is the response I left on Christine's blog, and I'm thankful bloggers like Christine shed light on these issues:

I agree with alot of what you are saying, and with alot of what the posters are saying.
However, we just disrupted because one adopted child was dangerous to our family, myself, the other children in the home. She was molesting her sister, wanted to play with knives, nearly got me killed while she ran in front of a moving vehicle, etc.
Frankly, we could have dealt with her 25+ medical/emotional/behavioral/cognitive/mental (etc) problems. The thing we couldn't deal with is that since her adoption wasn't finalized, the state wouldn't pay for OR EVEN AUTHORIZE for her to get medical treatment. They wouldn't allow her to go to a group home, get counseling, get help at a treatment facility. We felt backed into a wall.
There came a point where we had to decide that the thought of losing all five children because the state would not help one, had to be done.
This was the hardest decision of our lives.
So, my question is to people who live in an "always/never" sort of world, what would you do in that case? Frankly, before she became our daughter, I was like that too. I couldn't imagine giving up my child. I always thought people who disrupted thought "well, this isn't a good fit." And that really pissed me off. These are children, not shoes! Not a good fit? Good Lord. I think it's really selfish to disrupt because it's not a good fit, you're not bonding, etc.

The sole reason we disrupted is that our entire family was in imminent danger: sexually, physically, and we have an obligation to keep our children and ourselves safe and from harm. We would never be relieved to have all five children taken from our home on a 48hr hold, while the state is investigating a CPS charge because one child is sexual/violent/injuring other children. Not to mention, we didn't even think about this until after we disrupted......since this child was sexual, how horrible would we feel if she harmed our next door neighbor? A child at church, bible study, MOPS?

We have had 100% support for choosing the choice we made, for everyone's safety.

Now, if we could have improved or changed something, it would have been:
1. The state telling us upfront that this child has issues, grave issues. The state told us nothing, even though we told them we could not have a predator in the home since we already have multiple children here.
2. The state should have allowed her medical treatment. Hands down. Even though medicaid would pay for some of her services, the state has to AUTHORIZE that treatment. Sad. They were trying to keep any record of her behavior off the books until she was adopted. Well, that backfired on them.
The one thing we did which we feel will help the girls and others who follow us, was writing our governor. Because we wrote an incredibly thoughtful and well written statement, there is now an open investigation into our SW and the SW's staff, for the mistreatment of our family and all the children, the denial of required medical service for our daughter, and endangering our family with all of this.
We had to make the hardest decision of our lives. Before we disrupted, I felt I needed the wisdom of Solomon. God gave us the intelligence and strength to let the girls go, so that our sons would not be harmed or taken from us.
God bless you and thank you for following my journey. Of course, any thoughts, suggestions, insight you have have would be appreciated.
Hugs, Esther

Song

We found out why the 2yr old is having such a hard time at bedtime. She wants us to sing to her every night, her favorite song.

The foster parents wrote me today, stating that she asks for her song, and they have sung everything they know. 2yr old says it's not the right one.

I wrote and told them my husband sings "Puff the Magic Dragon" to the girls every night. He did that for our boys as well when they were little.

This morning I went back to the counselor. She told me to journal, review what I've been blogging about for the last several months, see how I feel about that, write what's been positive and accomplished for the girls while they were with us, read a book called "Nonviolent Communication", etc. I told her I want to compulsively eat all day, but I've fought off doing that. She told me to write down how I feel every time I want to eat. Then we will talk about all these feelings next time. Also she told me to take up a "mindless hobby, like knitting". Since when is knitting mindless? I think there's patterns and stuff. I'll be sticking with quilting and reading thanks. Although, I told her I may take a gardening class. We want to plant a vegetable garden.

I wish we could scoop up that little girl and sing to her. I'm going to go cry now.

The Governor's Office Called

Apparently I opened up a big 'ole can of whoop *ss.
The governor's office called me today. Shocked the hell out of me.

Their office has been circulating my letter (that we faxed), and they've been talking. The appeal process is now open to adopt the 2yr old. In all honesty, they feel she and the 4yr old will end up in a home that can handle the 4yr olds needs; that is their goal. However, if that is not possible they wanted to see if we still want the 2yr old. (of course we do).

The governor's office has additionally opened an investigation into our case and against the SW's, their staff, & local DSHS office, charging them with mistreating my entire family & the girls, mishandling our whole adoption process, and putting multiple children in danger.

They can't believe DSHS placed the 4yr old in a home with several children. They are concerned about her being in foster care with other children now (her sister & one other child). DSHS put a difficult situation and liability in our lap by placing the 4yr old with us.

I discussed CPS being called about me. They said that is quite common with older children like the 4yr old. Then the parents and whole family are put in jeopardy. duh.

The governor wants this investigation and processing to decide if DSHS made a grave mistake in our case. We of course think so.

I'm not holding my breath. I'm thankful there is an investigation, and I hope this will help best place the girls. And put some sense into our local DSHS office. Our local DSHS office has been notified that the investigation is open.

We will be OK if we never see the girls again. We want what's best for them and their future. We absolutely want to adopt the 2yr old, but that may not be in her best interest.

Thank you God for all you do. May your will be done, keep the girls safe, and guide the girls into the best home for them.

While We Wait

So, what does a gal do while waiting for the governor to call? Geez. I'm trying to not lose my mind.

We figure the governor will not call, but someone somewhere will communicate with us at some point.

We faxed the letter to the governor yesterday. I also emailed copies to everyone who has ever been on this adoption/medical team. Additionally, I called the state executive head of DSHS, but got a phone laberinth. No one has responded to me, which I see as a sign that they are all (or some) are conferencing with one another. Hopefully they will see what is in the best interest of the child, and end this charade. Truly I will be able to have a wonderful life whether we adopt this little girl or not. At this point I feel we have done everything humanly possible to advocate for her to be in our family.

In the mean time, I've been deep cleaning my bedroom and master bath this morning. Why is there WD-40 in my bathroom? I guess we find these things during spring cleaning.

Letter

I'm writing to our governor to see if we can adopt the 2yr old. The governor is above DSHS, and should know there are situations where it's not in the best interest for all sibings, always, to stay together. Not to mention, we can't find the alleged law/act in writing anywhere, stating that in our state, sibling groups have to remain intact if a sibling is 4yrs old or younger.

I also made one post earlier today. See below.