So Where Have I Been?

Well, happy New Year and all. Been on sabbatical. I ran out of things to write. Been tired and thru a few wars with my 13yr old. Called the police on him three times in the last couple months. Too tired to write about it. Use your imagination. The final time I told my husband that alot of these problems could be alleviated if my husband actually parented. We went to counseling, and lo and behold, the counselor told my husband his head is up his ass. Husband is starting to parent, require the boys respect me and follow rules. Also, 13 yr old boy is a couple days shy of being 14, when in our state you can be formally arrested and have criminal charges brought. Honestly, I'd leave him in jail as long as they'd let me. Show up at the arraignment. That's what professional advice has supported also. So, Boy knows his bluff has been called, I'm not afraid to use a phone to call 911.

In other news, I thoroughly love my job. As an odd strange set of events unfolded, I was offered a long term sub spot in a highly capable class at our local high school. This is probably the only teacher assistant job in a highly capable class. I was floored. It's a business class that is too large for one teacher. Did I say business, as in accounting? yes. This is so up my alley, and I thoroughly enjoy every day of class. And the kids. And the head teacher. It's a dream job, and I'm enjoying it as long as it lasts. This is at the local high school my kids will attend. Which leads me to work with my children's athletic coaches. I spoke with two of them recently because they coach at my sons middle school. Told them how crappy it's been going, getting the police involved and all. Told them I didn't want to sign up my son for wrestling. They asked how he does when he's in sports. Honestly I think his behavior is better because he's too tired to cause as much trouble after a two hour athletic practice, five days a week. The coach said "put him in wrestling. Call me every week. If he's disrespectful, he doesn't get to wrestle at that weeks match." Music to my ears. So, within 24 hr of the last police episode, I had this run-in with the coach, and I shared (while trying to contain my glee) with my son and husband. I explained there are real life consequences to actions. We're a little past time-out and such at this point. My son started wrestling two weeks ago, and his coach said up front that he is not wrestling in the first match of the year since he hit his mother. I am in love.

I will add too, that some additional real life consequences did not work for this son recently, as he was hitting me in public and a school bus of his peers drove by. He then ran away. Long story. He is back and living here. But suffice it to say, he came home crying from school the next day and was crying. I asked why. "Half the school is calling me a douche bag because that school bus of kids saw me hitting my mom." Ah yes, that will happen. More music to my ears.

Now truly I am broken hearted that it has to get to this point. But seriously, I cannot express how thankful that these real world consequences are setting in. Takes the heat off me (cause he just thinks I'm a crazy bitch for wanting say, oh, to get thru a week without calling the police on him).

As a final note, I read a great comment over on the Hoover mom's blog (she's in my sidebar). A mom, Lisa, commented on her concerns about her kids turning out 95% like their bio parents. All the worries and troubles that this envisions. I understand the concern is great. I wrote this comment in response:
"I wanted to respond to a great comment you left over there. Actually you have several great comments, very smart & well thought out. You were discussing how kids are gonna turn out 95% like their bio parents and such. I came from a nightmare home. Can't believe I wasn't taken from my parents. My dad is an addict, and my mom is developmentally delayed and physically disabled (although, that could be a ruse, just to trick the rest into not expecting anything of her). I turned out to be delightful, smart, responsible, and college educated. This was difficult to say the least, with the lack of intelligence and support in my family of origin. I had to grow up parenting the parents. Got a clue when I was 20, moved out, never looked back. I got a bachelors degree in business and accounting from the University of WA, worked as a corporate accountant for many years, have raised three boys (two of which are special needs), been thru international adoption, and our local DSHS domestic adoption processes. I thoroughly benefit from ongoing counseling. I'm lucky that's all I need, considering my biological family. I do not allow my dad any contact with me or my family. My mom, well, I keep her on the outskirts. I refuse to take care of her since I did it my whole childhood. So she lives in Government subsidized Senior Disability Housing. Works for all of us. Anyway, feel free to connect with me. I'm an adult who survived an unthinkable upbringing. I could be the minority, but it does happen. I'm not a criminal, psychopath, sociopath, or trouble maker. I may have a big mouth, but I'm pretty harmless."

Really for me, I have to draw the line at safety, sexual abuse, crime. Those are the reasons I've gotten the state and police involved with our kids whether it's for bio kids or adopted kids. And sometimes it's not best for kids to continue to live in the same home if others are in danger. Sometimes it can be worked out. But as far as the health and educational needs of kids, I know the heartache all too well also. I'll post more soon about our youngest. I've gotten him into Children's Hospital lately for some permanent health issues. To add to his alphabet soup of diagnoses, we have now added Tourette's syndrome.

Truth is stranger than fiction I've come to believe.
Hope you are all well and prospering. I keep up on the blogs I read, just comment rarely. Blessings to you, Esther

Summer Time, Smummer Time

Ever have a love hate relationship with summer vacation?

Yesterday I truly hated it. The kids seemed high on crack, seemingly daring me to throw them in jail, and the two older ones were so mean beyond belief, I'm still reeling. It was such a stressful day, my body feels so sore. Like I've been in a car accident. Good thing today is my back therapy appt.

So, as for me, I did really well yesterday, until my husband came home. I hold it in all day. I deal with it all day. I am calm all day. It's as if this eggs the kids on or something. Isn't it supposed to help diffuse them? I'm calm and deal with shit, and they act like rabid dogs.

My husband gets home, and you'd think he'd be helpful. He told them to stop, shut up, had to physically stop our older son from being violent, our middle son put a baseball thru my master bath window (broke the screen). At that point my husband finally had it. He had those two run lines in the drive way. He thinks this is a great consequence because he feels they burn off excess energy and will be too tired to be shits.

I think it wears them out. They will still have enough energy to be shits. They always muster up the energy.

It did not help that my husband came home and didn't want the dinner I prepared. This happens probably four times a week. He has had food issues since we met. His sisters told me that he never wanted what his mom made for dinner, so she would then go to a fast food restaurant and pick him up something. ARGH! We married and he told me "I'm an adult. I'm not eating stuff I don't like." So I went on the endless pursuit of finding "what he likes." Cooking and baking became an obsession (way beyond hobby). The only good thing that has come of this is that I'm the most popular person at a potluck, funeral, baby shower, and bible study. People rave about my food. Too bad I don't live with these people. I have three shelves of cookbooks in my living room. Truly, I'm a good cook. Five star? no. That would be nice. All this to say, I seriously think my husband has a touch of Aspergers too. I've wondered and thought this for quite some time. I'm not a short order cook, I don't make multiple meals in one evening. At my home I offer two things "take it or leave it." It's totally insulting that he doesn't like my cooking, when the rest of the population I know, truly does.

I did some quilting yesterday (for sanity purposes). In the meantime, since we have all our photography off the bedroom wall due to painting, the dog tried to eat our 16x20 wedding portrait. Figures.

All this piled on me last night and became too much. I left and took a walk for a couple hours. As I was leaving my husband called out "are you taking the dog?" yea, bite me big guy.

As I'm going merrily along on this walk, my shoulders and back hurt more. And more. And more. My bra straps are digging into me like fire. A great reward for dragging my butt out and exercising. My overly huge boobs are a curse. Truly the back, shoulder, neck pain while exercising with huge boobs is worse than the fire & rash from my chubby thighs rubbing together.

I decided many things on this walk. I have to take care of myself, at all costs. Yesterday was entirely too stressful. So I made some decisions:

1. There will be no tv and/or electronics used M-F. The kids play video games and become star psycho fighters. They watch tv and fight over who gets to watch what.
2. There will be no sleepovers, overnight camp, or sleeping in our trailer Sun-Thurs. If they want to do these sleep depriving activities, it has to be when my husband will be around for damage control.
3. I'm telling my husband today that he needs to provide me with a weekly menu. I will shop for that, and that's what we will be eating.
4. Perhaps I need more Love and Logic books? Then again, maybe I need the kids to sit in their rooms all day being bored. Ya know, finding it a privilege again to come out and play?
5. After I lose those last few pounds, I'm getting that breast reduction. Not kidding. Will keep you posted.

I found a blog last week. I love it. Maybe we could be soul sisters? Please read her post HERE. Too funny.

Hopefully today will be better.

Bipolar Disorder & Camping

Since this blog is primarily about my life with special needs kids, I've sat down several times attempting to write a way to accurately describe living with my children. My oldest has a form of bipolar disorder, ODD, and ADHD. Our youngest son has the same form of bipolar disorder (I think I failed to mention that earlier on the blog) and Aspergers Syndrome (a form of autism). Frankly there's so much to write that I become overwhelmed at beginning that post. It could take forever to portray what it's like to live in my home. So, suffice it to say, I've opted to link to this article I read. I've done much research on bipolar disorder the last few years. I feel this article most candidly, honestly, and compassionately depicts living with a bipolar child. Here is the link:

http://www.newsweek.com/id/137517?GT1=43002

I will follow up with a post on what has been successful for us in these adventures.

In positive news, our family of six (including puppy) went camping at Pearrigin Lake outside of Winthrop, WA. We took a five day trip. Loads of fun, lots of fishing & camping, I made a scarf and started a second, beautiful scenery, and lots of laughs. It's really good for my husband to be with the kids 24/7 in this manner. With him working 10-12 hrs a day, he often misses the true grating feeling of what goes on with the parenting special needs kids challenges. It's alot of mental gymnastics, in a nutshell. Be that as it may, we had a good time. I highly recommend Pearrigin. We will go there again next year. And speaking of the puppy, I had no idea that having a puppy on hand would lead to people engaging in conversation with us about every five minutes. Truly a conversation piece! Really, I had no idea.

Strike & Moved to Tears

Day 7. We are now on day 7.
The boys have been working hard. Yes, some grumbling along the way. To which I either ignore, or respond with an empathetic "I know it's hard." My husband has been making them dinner. Last night they had chicken strips for the 4th night in a row. Boys not thrilled, but glad to see the light at the end of the tunnel with all their hard work on a chart. Gee, I never thought the boys would tire of Tyson chicken products. Guess there's a first for everything.

I was moved to tears yesterday in this process. Our oldest son called from a school trip yesterday, saying the buses were hours behind schedule. He was calling from a cell, in a crowded space with hundreds of middle schoolers. I thanked him for letting me know. He then said (& remember he's in a crowded place with peers) :

"I love you Mom". I love him too.

He's grown into a place the last few years where public hugging, displays of affection, and God forbid saying "I love you", are really just embarrassing. I think it was huge and so sweet for him to say "I love you" in front of all those kids.

Next item on the list: In the mail yesterday, there was a letter from the school. Me? Cringing at the thought of what's in the envelope. This is the kid who was kicked out of the 6th grade multiple times, he's taken a vacuum cleaner pipe and threatened to kill me, destroyed my personal property, begged his father & I to get a divorce so that he can have two birthday parties & two sets of electronics, etc. Gee, what does the school want now? Quite hesitant, and with a sigh, I opened the envelope. It says "Our staff is pleased to announce that your child will receive an award for outstanding achievement in academics or public service", with details following. I about fell out of my chair. Now, seriously, I don't think the worst in my kid. However, this last couple years, living with his bipolar disorder, ADHD, and ODD, has really had me looking forward to the day he will go live on his own. Sometimes he is so sweet and fun and I relish the time we have together.....knowing it will only be for another few years; other times he seems possessed. I'm digressing.

I wanted to cry. The kid has hope. I've always told him that if you work hard, good things happen. If you build a good reputation for yourself, people assume the best of you and in you. His dad and I were pretty squeaky clean kids (yes I know, gag me). We give him examples of how that helps in life, staying out of trouble, that is. With that though, we tell him none of us is perfect, we've made mistakes too, shared with him the results, and said how "not fun" those situations were.

There is hope. I really think L&L has saved us. I heard about it in 2001, and have been using it since. Our oldest son was 6yr old at the time, and I wondered if it was too late. He fought L&L, kicking and screaming. He's fought it all this time, with pure venom. I never expect kids to like parenting, but he really takes things to the extreme level. He got home last night & we asked him what this award is for. He has no idea. Honor roll? Nope. He's in the 7th grade, and you have to have top grades for all of 7th grade, plus 1 quarter of 8th grade to get into National Honor Society. So, this is a genuine unique award, just for him. This has really made my decade. The important thing is not that he makes me proud, but that he is proud of himself. We've always told the kids that it's important to do well in school & life, for their own future. Their father and I will not be supporting them financially after a point (college age), so it's in their best interest to do well in school and life. It will not punish us if they do poorly. It will just be sad. We've always had them claim their accolades & consequences in their own name. It's not about pleasing us, it's about them being proud of themselves. Just thought I'd share some good news. There is hope, even for the severely challenged child. I'll let you know next week (the 12th) what the award is for.

There is hope.

He Got It

Thanks for all the comments, feedback, and emails regarding the previous post. At the time I told my husband that it seemed like he was trying to put himself on a pedestal, and leave me the bad guy. So I do communicate, and he didn't care.

Yesterday afternoon I scheduled a massage for myself in the evening. I called my husband and informed him that when he got home, I would be leaving for said massage. I had a wonderful time at this massage and I think I'll get another one in a month. The gal said I have so much tension and inflammation in my shoulders that it's causing me pain in my arms. Also she said that since I sleep in the fetal position, my arms aren't getting enough circulation. So last night I slept with my arms straight out. It was weird, but felt good. She also told me to ice my shoulders.

Anyway, I returned home last night from my massage to see a bouquet of flowers. Including roses. I love roses. And my husband waiting there with open arms for a hug for me. He said while I was gone he had a "sit-down" (stern chat) with our 4yr old about her behavior. Then they went and bought me flowers. I think he now gets that he was an ass the other night, and that behavior won't be productive for our relationship or the parenting of our children. By the way, our 4yr old is back in diapers full time. I think peeing in a pullup three times a day is just too much. Plus we've informed her that she needs to tell us when she has wet panties/pullup so that she can get dry. She refuses to do this. She also refuses to go change on her own into dry panties/pullup. So we are taking that responsibility, control, conflict out of the picture for now.

Today our 4yr old started preschool (12:25pm). She spent about 2/3 of the morning crying before preschool, because she's in a diaper. Guess she had to get her feelings out.

In other news, our 12yr old who has ODD recently got some diagnosis to figure out what is behind the ODD. He has cyclothymia (mild bipolar disorder) and ADHD. Yes, this would explain his behavior and difficulties. I'm glad we are now on a path to help him with these, with lots of ideas and suggestions from the psychologist. This son started wrestling season yesterday. I'm proud of him for trying a new sport, as he's had difficulty being on a team in the past. So much so that he's been kicked off a team, and suspended from others. I think wrestling will be really good for him. It's a really difficult sport, and encourages many positive traits and disciplines. He had a great time at his first practice, and even took a guy down. I hope this will be a great positive outlet for him and all his energy and frustrations.

Play On Words

Now that I have this new blog set up, I went into my Profile where my Interests are listed. You can click on any of your interests (or someone elses), and see all the Blogger Blogs where all other people share that interest in their Interests Section of the Profile.

So today I clicked on "ODD" to find more blogs on it. Sigh. Nodda. It listed 25 blogs, but all these people list odd as the word "odd", as in bizarre, weird, out-there, etc. Not what I was looking for.

Any other suggestions on finding blogs of special interest?

Evaluations

Our 4yr old is waiting to get into the University of Washington Fetal Alcohol (UW) unit for assessment. I called them yesterday to see how long the wait list is. Ah, it will only be SEVEN months before they can see us. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I heard that!

So I did the logical choice. I called our SW. He is totally disgusted that it takes that long to be seen at UW. So he told me he is calling UW and telling them to put us to the front of the line, seeing as this assessment is required before the adoption is finalized in court. This tidbit is not true, but he wants to strong arm them (nicely) to see if they will move us up to the front of the line. We will of course finalize the girls adoptions in a April, regardless of if we have had the 4yr old diagnosed or not. We love both girls dearly.

On a positive note, since UW is so sloooooooooooooow, I asked our SW if our daughter can be seen at Seattle Children's Hospital for a psych eval (our PCP asked for this), enuresis/encopresis eval, and cognitive/neurological/retardation/processing eval. He thought this is a great idea, we should be seen much sooner than UW, and this will give us much information. Additionally, we are starting a referral to a local hospital that offers children's therapy of every nature. We are now waiting for a Sensory Integration Referral there. This hospital isn't far from our home, and our 9yr old went there for speech therapy for years. Actually, our 2yr old went there for speech therapy briefly. She graduated practically right after she started. She only went for a few months.

I am interested in any and all medical/adoption suggestions any of you may have. I also will make it a goal to answer questions that people leave in the comments section. If I have forgotten to answer a question, please comment or email again reminding me to answer. To answer a question posed yesterday, "ODD" is Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Here is a link. Here is another link. And another link. The third link has some great article links in it as well. Personally I think ODD is a label to describe behavior, and I think there is truly something else in addition going on with these kids. We are in the middle of trying to find the "something else" with our son. I took him to a counselor about 18 months ago. The guy was lame, and like "Neal" in "The Santa Clause". He and my son BS'd for every session for a couple months, did an IQ test (found out our son is near genius), and discussed anger management. My only problem is that the doctor didn't really have any new suggestions for me. Everything and every book he suggested, I've already tried and read. So then I took my son to a psychiatrist, and she diagnosed him as ODD. She also thought he has some mood disorder, but wanted to medicate him to sedate him, so she could deal with a more cooperative kid and evaluate him. So we asked, what exactly is it you are medicating him for? She couldn't say, and said she had to sedate kids, or she wouldn't see them. What the hell? I don't want to try a Russian Roulette of meds on my child, let them experiment, when they don't even have a diagnosis. I asked her if we could do anger management, some lifeskills talks, some planning, boundaries, goals, etc.?? Wouldn't that be the first thing before sedating him? We just felt like they were going to make him a drool monkey for their own ease. So I didn't go back to that lady. This year, we regrouped and took him to a new psychiatrist, starting a few months ago. This guy is really good. He is doing a thorough eval BEFORE talking to us about meds and a life plan. We should have the eval wrapped up in a couple weeks. This has been a thoroughly positive experience seeing this psychiatrist, my son is encouraged, cooperative, interested in going, and it's been an entirely different experience than the first psychiatrist. This man is totally professional and doesn't try to bully or chastize my son. He saw from the first meeting that my son gets emotional far too easily, and he has a great repore with my son. I can't thank him enough.

On the best positive note, my husband had a great talk with our 4yr old last night. He asked her if she likes living here. She said, "yes". He asked why she likes living here. She said, "because people love me here". He said, "how do you know people love you here?". She said, "because they stay with me." Maybe it's sinking in for her, ever so slowly..............
That conversation made my day.