Update on the Girls

The girls medical info continues to come to us in the mail. This feels like such a slap in the face every time a piece of mail comes for them. It drives a knife in the big gaping wound in my heart.

I called the state head of DSHS in the governor's office yesterday, to tell her. Really, the girls records are none of our business. But more importantly, they aren't getting medical/dental/counseling care or attention, not even well-child checks (according to their medical records I get in the mail). That really disturbs me. So I told her all this, and asked if the girls are in an adoptive home? Back with the old foster family? Being well taken care of? Can I know that the girls are quite a ways from us geographically, for our safety & well being??

She is going to get back to me on all this. She asked if I notified the SW. Yes, of course I did. Multiple times, and he always said he'd taken care of it. Ah but of course. Another lying snaky SW. I hate that. I realize they are over worked & under paid, but to sit there and lie to me for months is just retarded.

Above all, I know the girls aren't getting medical attention (or dental/counseling/specialized care) because you have to present the medical info at every appointment. If their medical info comes to me, it's not with the new family. Therefore, new family isn't getting them attention. So, fortunately, the state agreed that is disturbing news, and they are required to pay attention to that. They seem pleasant when I call, and very kind.

Since I had their attention, I told her we still want to adopt the younger sister. We are so very sad she is placed with her older sister who molests and abuses her. She told me what she can say is that the girls are in a home with a formal "Safety Plan" in place. That would go along with what they told me months ago, that they were looking for, for this sibling group. A home where there were always two adults present, when the 5yr old is home. One on one attention for both children, and no other children living in the home. So, that is good. I told her to please put down for the record that we want to be notified if the girls are ever separated, so that we may adopt the younger one.

Every time I get their mail, or see yet another toy/belonging left behind by them, it just breaks my heart.

I can't gather the intelligence to understand why the state placed a predator with us & our children, especially when we told them upfront that we could not take a predator. In our home, ALL children have the right to be safe.

I know God has a purpose for all this. I realize that I may never know in my lifetime why these things happen. It's a tough cross to bear though.

This last week I've been plagued with "what-ifs", regarding the girls. What if we DID go to that required weekly marital & individual counseling (I went to individual counseling....didn't help the child)? What if I had pulled her out of preschool (since it was more of a pain in the ass, and she missed her nap)? What if I had her in full time daycare a few days a week? What if we had found some respite? What if I consulted members of our church and asked for help (I didn't do it at the time because I felt Sissy was owed some privacy)? What if we had secretly taken her to an attachment therapist, and hoped she didn't tell the SW's (since the SW's cancelled her counseling & required she not attend)? What if we had waited for the FCAP findings & referrals to services (that the SW would not authorize payment)? What if what if what if..............................

When Sissy requires that much attention, and is not legally allowed to live with other children (other than her sister), well, why on earth did the state put them with us? We had five children when the girls were here, no where close to the ratio of adult-child interaction the state now admits she requires.

Why do we have to bear the burden of this grief, to get her to a home that can provide for her needs? Since she needs this much supervision, how on earth were we to ever be a suitable match? How on earth could the boys have stayed safe, at least for much longer? And me as well. How many months, years, would she continue trying to fondle me? How many months or years would it take for her to learn to not give in to her impulsive dangerous behavior?

sigh. I just feel terrible. I'm not used to not having a solution. I grew up thinking you work hard, seek out lots of options and alternatives, and you can find a way. With God, all things are possible. I was waiting for a miracle.

It tears me up that my middle son is so sad, missing Lovey. We all miss her. But those two, well, they had such a most special bond. They were together nearly every minute our son was out of school, from dawn to dusk. We miss her terribly. Her older sister? I grieve, not knowing how to have helped her. I miss her, knowing full well that it's not her fault that she is so messed up. And I grieve the loss of a dream: the dream to raise those girls as my daughters.

Tonight my husband told me to not beat myself up. Easier said than done. I told him I can't help but have feelings.

When we turned to professionals for help for her, we were treated horribly.

I still continue to run into people in public or church who don't know we disrupted the adoption. And it's like picking at a scab or open wound every time, to have to inform people of what happened. Bless their hearts, everyone, and I mean everyone, we know is 100% supportive of our disruption, considering the situation and all. Everyone we know knows we gave it our all. I guess that's what stings, knowing our best wasn't good enough. Today's Dr. Phil was on dangerous children, and he told the parents there comes a time where it's not about parents controlling the situation. There comes a time and a place where it is unsafe to have those kids habitating in the same home, and the parents have to realize the situation is beyond the capabilities of parents. These children have to be removed from the home for the safety of others, and to live with medical staff. At least for a time being, so that medical evaluations can be done. I fought for those medical evaluations, and we were denied. Who on earth denies a child medical care? What has our social services adoption units turned into? They really appaul me.

So, I continue to learn how to move on. I don't feel so sad every day. Now, the girls cross my mind daily, but I'm only sad occasionally. So that's a good thing.

Stay tuned for a more positive upbeat post next time. Truly, I do have mostly good days. Many are great.

U-Tube, books, and links on FAS/FAE/ARND

Today I stumbled across this six part video series on U-Tube. It's on Fetal Alcohol Children (FAS/FAE/ARND). This is really eye opening on many levels. And sad. I think the two things that resonate with me the most is that:

1. This is all preventable, and
2. Where are the public, medical, and social services for these children?

A little piece of me died watching this, as it's heartbreaking. Alot of the video made my eyes open wider, as segments spoke directly to me. This is the life of the little girl we love. Here is the link:
Fetal Alcohol Series (clickable)
This link will take you to the first video. On the right hand side of the screen, you will see the other five parts listed, in addition to many other relevant videos.

As a side note, I want to mention the two books on Fetal Alcohol that I've been reading (both clickable).
1. "The Best I Can Be-Living With Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or Effects" and
2. "Damaged Angels"

I particularly like the first one, The best I can be. It's written from the account of the adoptive mother on the right hand side of each page. The left hand side of each page is the account from the child with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Really amazing, touching, and an awakening if FAS/FAE/ARND is something you live with in your home.

Finally, I found this link on FRUA, which is also on FAS/FAE/ARND. Check it out:
LINK (clickable)

All of Us

Today I thought I'd mention what we've all been up to. We are a family of seven, and that keeps us pretty busy.

My husband- trying to figure out what to do for Valentine's Day. I told him to skip the flowers and candy. I'd really like a professional foot massage/reflexology.

Me- getting into a new routine. I started scrapbooking and quilting again. I told a friend she'd have her baby quilts last month (I'm cringing at how tardy I am). I just got back to working on them this week. I've been walking/running almost every day. I work out for 20-25 minutes. A brisk workout, and every other day I encorporate running. I'm up to running for six minutes. I found a fostering/adopting website for our local area, which lists all sorts of conferences and training. I'm going to seriously check into all of this. Today I made petit fours for Valentines Day. This was a new project, and they turned out cute. I got the idea from Parents Magazine (could have been an old issue).

12yr old son- Enjoying wrestling. Got his chipped tooth fixed (from when he broke it during wrestling practice). Dieting to lose 3-4 pounds to "make weight". I really hate the thought of a 12yr old dieting. His weight is fine, but everyone drops down a weight class in wrestling to be competative. He's got 1/2 a pound to go so he can wrestle this week. He's taking me up on my running offer, and will start running with me this weekend. Also our 12yr old got asked out ON A DATE! Can you believe it? I told the girl's parents "no, our children need to be in the 9th or 10th grade to date". Sheesh. I mean seriously, who would drive? Who would pay? How dumb....

11yr old son- Having a great time antagonizing everyone, and doting on his 2yr old sister every waking minute of the day. Last week he hid the 12yr old's church shoes. No one noticed until it was time to go to church. They were never found, until we drove past them sitting in our bark in the front yard.

9yr old son- Busy making a "Valentine's Box" for his school Valentines party tomorrow. I bought him Sponge Bob valentines (same for 11 yr old also). He's been working on this valentines box since last Friday. I guess he thinks it's pretty important.

4yr old girl- Busy planning her 5th bday party, which is in a few weeks. She is also busy making herself puke when she's not happy. I have her clean it up and say, "that's a bummer you're throwing up. You'll need to have toast and applesauce for the rest of the day. I'm sad for you that you will miss out on Valentine's Cake tonight." She cried for quite some time over this. We already had a standing playdate this morning. When we called all the kids for snack time, she said "I'm hungry!". I gave her applesauce. The other kids had cheeseburgers & fries. It's just too damn early to start Bulemia.

2yr old -Has learned to say the phrase "Bad Choice" and tells her sister that multiple times a day. It's quite funny. She is now out of her crib and in a big girl bed.

Yesterday the girls both had part of their developmental exams at Childrens Hospital. We were disappointed because of the three appts each that they need, only the PT and OT where scheduled for yesterday. We still have to wait months for the Neurological/Cognitive/Processing/BirthDefects appt, which is where our great concern lies. Oh well. In good news, both girls test in the normal range for Fine Motor Skills, Gross Motor skills, and Occupational Therapy. As a sidenote, we mentioned the girls background, behaviors, delays, etc. while we were there. So the topic of Sensory Integration came up. The OT said two of her three daughters went to SI therapy, and she thought it did not help. She said her girls just had to outgrow their issues. Um, not really encouraging. Anyway, the therapists said our 4yr old definately needs to be seen by UW-FAS/FAE center for her issues. She has countless red flags for FAE. So they are working on that referral for us, to add to the load of our SW asking for that workup as well. In good news, Childrens Hospital says they notice NO ADD behaviors. So, that means she is selectively participating in those behaviors when it works well for her. We feel better that we can help her thru this, knowing she doesn't have full blown ADD on top of everything else she's got going on. By the way, our 4yr old is still peeing her pants at school, stayed dry at home all weekend, and peed her pants at the hospital yesterday during testing (me scratching my head). The hospital did have a great idea for us, seeing as we are stumped on if we should enroll her in kindergarten. They said to enroll her to save the spot. We can always cancel in August if she's not ready. That will take some pressure off. Now, if we can just inspire her to make better choices...........................

Preschool, Adoption, and Worst.Mama.Ever

The EACAP preschool has told me that our 4yr old qualifies to go (no kidding) and that they are trying to move a morning boy to the afternoon class so our daughter can attend in the am. Works for me. Our 4yr old gets moved to the top of the waiting list because she has issues, and because she's a ward of the state. The director told me that I fill out all the paperwork for her to attend, not the SW. So, I've called the SW twice to keep him in the loop. Haven't heard back from him.

In adoption news, our 4yr old's counselor D called yesterday. She said the state SW & our agency SW have both called her, asking her the same things. It wasn't pretty. The SW's job is to complete an adoption, regardless of anything else. They told her they feel that she, D, is giving me anxiety about adopting the girls, filling my head with ideas of disruption, and they want her off the case. She told them me and my daughter are her clients, and it's MY decision to attend counseling or not. The conversation didn't get prettier. They told her to refrain from saying my daughter's brain is like a piece of Swiss Cheese. D said, "well, all her cylinders aren't working. Would you like me to phrase it like that?" They did not end on amicable terms, and I'm dreading the fallout. I emailed our agency SW and told her that seeing D has been a 100% positive situation, our daughter trusts D, and I'm sticking with the counseling based on D's recommendations and our repore with her. D's only obligation is to the best interests of her clients, and that would be us. She doesn't answer to the state or our adoption agency. With that though, I have to tread lightly and not try to intentionally piss off the state SW. We need to all be on the same team.

The SW's asked D if she would have a meeting with all parties, and she said "no, I don't feel much is accomplished at meetings." I like her honesty. She cracks me up.

D also told me that she has done a psych eval on our daughter, and found no psychosis. That would have been nice to know earlier, since I'm her client and all. Additionally, since she's worked for decades in this field, she has worked with countless FAS/FAE kids. She says all of them who have been her clients, have turned out to be employed independent members of society. So that gives me much more confidence in raising our daughter. Additionally, D said she feels our daughter has no mental retardation. So, this was a great conversation in my opinion!

UW wrote me and said they can't see our daughter because they feel she does not have FAS. They feel her facial features fall in the realm of normal, and her growth is normal. Well, that doesn't rule out FAE (fetal alcohol effect.................liquor during pregnancy affects the fetus's brain). They said they need documentation that the mother has an alcohol problem for them see a client. Well, in adoption, often many records are missing and/or the bio parents didn't document their addictions/problems/child abuse (gee, I don't know why not). So a child getting diagnosed should be cancelled due to a bio mom who never went to rehab (to get a diagnosis)? Frankly this all seems retarded if you ask me. So, D is getting us a referral to a different hospital for a FAE eval. With that though, she said this other hospital may want her to be 6yrs old before they will test. Find by me.

Worst.Mama.Ever.
I will be posting additionally at a Mom Blog site called "Worst.Mama.Ever." You can click on that link or type in http://www.worstmamaever.blogspot.com/. It's a funny group of gals who are able to laugh at themselves while parenting. I'm liking it over there. I will post on both blogs.

Diagnosis

Today I took our 4yr(almost 5yrs) old to our standing Monday counseling appt. We've been doing this for over three months. At the prodding of the PCIT teacher, I asked the counselor today what diagnose(s) we are looking at for our daughter. Hold onto your hat:

Brain Damage-permanent (due to trauma, neglect, and/or FAS/FAE)
Developmental Delay-permanent (due to trauma, neglect, and/or FAS/FAE)
Attachment Issues (not RAD)
ADD (meds will help)

She also feels our daughter has FAS/FAE, but she is not qualified to diagnose that. She is looking for other hospitals in our state that can evaluate that so we can have this diagnosed before the seven month wait for UW. She feels FAS/FAE answers all our questions about our daughters delays, problems, behaviors, emotions, conversations, etc. She said she would be shocked if she doesn't get a FAS/FAE diagnosis. That would be great, but shocking.

Additionally she feels our daughter has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but the DSM-IV changed and has a new requirement: daily flashbacks, which our daughter does not have. But she does have PTSD according to the old diagnosis. Also she feels she has multiple personality tendencies, but that can't be diagnosed until an older age. There's another clinical name now for multiple personalities, and I forget the name. She said to have full blown multiple personalities, you have to have one personality that is deviant, destructive, and not attached to anyone. She feels our daughter is bonded with me and her sister, so feels it's "only" multiple personality tendencies.

I'm not surprised at some of this, but I'm shocked at other aspects.

This counselor has had some recent unpleasant conversations with the state SW. He is not pushing for diagnosis(es) because if those go on her permanent record, and we disrupt, there's about a 99% chance she will never be adopted. There's not droves of people waiting in line to adopt a kid with all these medical/health/emotional/behavior permanent issues. So they want us to finalize the adoption before there are any diagnosis. Wrong pal. The counselor told this guy to get honest, and we are entitled to that. We are also entitled to the state paying for all her medical bills (and surrounding issues) once she is diagnosed, so we have to get the evals done before adoption finalization. My husband and I want our daughter provided for in as many ways as possible. Medicaid doesn't cover everything, so we need to have her evals done and the state issue permanent funding. I'm not even sure at this point if that's thru Social Security or grants, but it has to get taken care of. I shudder at the thought of dealing with SS over all this.

I'm going to put the girls down and take a nap myself. I'm a little overwhelmed. I may not have written in coherant sentances above.