I stumbled across Christine's blog (whom I highly respect and admire, by the way) in my blogging this week. I really appreciate her take on disruption. I read thru countless comments on that post though, and I felt sad. Yes, we always think that adoption is forever. Why wouldn't it be? But to say that it SHOULD always be forever, well, walk a mile in my shoes. For those who judge, what would you do if the domestic adoption child placed with you is a predator, your adoption is not finalized, the state is holding that up, and they won't pay for or even authorize medical attention that is urgent and life saving.
Now, I think it would have been entirely different for us if all these issues popped up after the adoption was finalized. Or in an international adoption as well. Why, you may ask? Because we would be fully able to put the child(ren) on our insurance, and get them all the help they need. If our adoption had been finalized, we could have sent her to a treatment center, therapeutic medical environment with 24/7 care, we could have taken her to any doctor/hospital/therapist and billed it to our insurance. Even if we couldn't put a child on our insurance (for some bizarre reason), we could have gotten her medical attention and just footed the bill ourselves.
But the sad fact is, we couldn't even take her to these places and just pay for it out of pocket, because the state is her legal guardian, and they wouldn't authorize medical care. I imagine this is why there is now an open investigation into our SW & the SW's staff. They endangered those girls, the boys, and our entire family.
I honestly feel had we been allowed to get her the medical attention she deserves, without a doubt she would still be our daughter. Perhaps she wouldn't be living in our home at times, as she would be in medical facilities for her dozens of health crisis's, but she would be our daughter, forever.
Here is the response I left on Christine's blog, and I'm thankful bloggers like Christine shed light on these issues:
I agree with alot of what you are saying, and with alot of what the posters are saying.
However, we just disrupted because one adopted child was dangerous to our family, myself, the other children in the home. She was molesting her sister, wanted to play with knives, nearly got me killed while she ran in front of a moving vehicle, etc.
Frankly, we could have dealt with her 25+ medical/emotional/behavioral/cognitive/mental (etc) problems. The thing we couldn't deal with is that since her adoption wasn't finalized, the state wouldn't pay for OR EVEN AUTHORIZE for her to get medical treatment. They wouldn't allow her to go to a group home, get counseling, get help at a treatment facility. We felt backed into a wall.
There came a point where we had to decide that the thought of losing all five children because the state would not help one, had to be done.
This was the hardest decision of our lives.
So, my question is to people who live in an "always/never" sort of world, what would you do in that case? Frankly, before she became our daughter, I was like that too. I couldn't imagine giving up my child. I always thought people who disrupted thought "well, this isn't a good fit." And that really pissed me off. These are children, not shoes! Not a good fit? Good Lord. I think it's really selfish to disrupt because it's not a good fit, you're not bonding, etc.
The sole reason we disrupted is that our entire family was in imminent danger: sexually, physically, and we have an obligation to keep our children and ourselves safe and from harm. We would never be relieved to have all five children taken from our home on a 48hr hold, while the state is investigating a CPS charge because one child is sexual/violent/injuring other children. Not to mention, we didn't even think about this until after we disrupted......since this child was sexual, how horrible would we feel if she harmed our next door neighbor? A child at church, bible study, MOPS?
We have had 100% support for choosing the choice we made, for everyone's safety.
Now, if we could have improved or changed something, it would have been:
1. The state telling us upfront that this child has issues, grave issues. The state told us nothing, even though we told them we could not have a predator in the home since we already have multiple children here.
2. The state should have allowed her medical treatment. Hands down. Even though medicaid would pay for some of her services, the state has to AUTHORIZE that treatment. Sad. They were trying to keep any record of her behavior off the books until she was adopted. Well, that backfired on them.
The one thing we did which we feel will help the girls and others who follow us, was writing our governor. Because we wrote an incredibly thoughtful and well written statement, there is now an open investigation into our SW and the SW's staff, for the mistreatment of our family and all the children, the denial of required medical service for our daughter, and endangering our family with all of this.
We had to make the hardest decision of our lives. Before we disrupted, I felt I needed the wisdom of Solomon. God gave us the intelligence and strength to let the girls go, so that our sons would not be harmed or taken from us.
God bless you and thank you for following my journey. Of course, any thoughts, suggestions, insight you have have would be appreciated.
Hugs, Esther
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8 comments:
Hi, found your blog through your comment on Christine's blog. Just wanted to show my support by saying "Hi" and though I could not possibly have the understanding that would come with having been in a situation like yours, I did want to say that I feel I understand the choices you have had to make.
God Bless,
Sarah
http://taylorvortex.blogspot.com/
I am glad you found my blog. I think that I will learn some valuable things from you.
I admire both you and Christine very much. Both of you have taken on (different), but enormous tasks concerning adoption. However, you are correct when you say "Someone would have to walk a mile in your shoes."
I can only imagine how difficult the decision to disrupt was, but you can not sacrifice the other 4 kids for the sake of 1. Especially if every effort to get that child help is turned back by the state.
BTW, is she still going to the "special needs" daycare?
You know, it's terribly hard for me to think about disruption. My son went through a disruption and it damaged him terribly. He was attachment disordered before, but the disruption exacerbated his attachment issues. And being separated from his brother gives Slugger so much grief. He misses Jason so greatly. It's a hole that can't be filled.
My son often has to leave school because of a nervous stomach. It always happens on days when we had a bad morning. Why? Because his last adoptive family had the SW come pick him up after school. When we have a bad morning, Slugger worries and worries at school that I'm going to do the same thing. He's terrified of it.
I know how difficult my son is. And I know how incredibly wonderful my son is. And I know that, where he was, he wasn't getting the help he needed.
I can't compare the situation he went through to yours. It's entirely different. Some day (after Slugger's adoption is final) I will post more about his disruption. Until then, I don't feel comfortable. His previous parents aren't bad people, but they couldn't be his parents.
All I know is that I hope your family can heal from this. I hope those beautiful little girls can heal from this. I hope they get the help they need. I hope they eventually find a home where the sexual reactivity can be dealt with without fear for other kids' safety in the home.
Sometimes it's just not about fit. Not about bonding. Not about getting the perfect child. Sometimes it is so much more.
My cousin adopted a baby boy from Korea. He was escorted to the US. They waited at the airport with such excitement, and then a woman came off the plane with their 14 month old son, dumped him in their arms and took off. He had a large knot on his forehead and they thought he must have injured himself during the flight and she was afraid they would be mad at her. They took him to the doctor and their nightmare began. The knot was actually an accumulation of scar tissue from him repeatedly banging his head into things with incredible force. He continued on to be diagnosed with RAD, Autism, delays, this that and the other. My Uncle, my cousin's father, was a child psychologist who specialized in children with attachment issues, etc. They had all the resources to help this child. As years went by and they had other children, this child continued to need the lion's share of their resources. Then finally, when he hit puberty, it all fell apart. they had tried everything, but suddenly they had an adult sized 2 year ld throwing tantrums in their house. The final episode ended when he turned over their refrigerator just missing his little sister by 2 inches.
It was the single hardest thing they ever did but they placed him into an institutional setting, away from the family. All the resources, all the love, all the efforts were not enough to keep the other children safe.
Sometimes it just isn't black and white. Sometimes there is no good choice. Sometimes, even with all the help and all the resources, it just isn't enough.
My heart breaks for all of you. There are no winners in a situation like this.
Wendy is so right...life is all gray areas.
Until you have been through something you cannot judge. Even if you have been through something, you still cannot judge because no one's situation is the same. We had our foster children removed. I didn't feel like we had any choice but to do so. It kills me everyday that they aren't hear. I WANT them here. The state, well, I have nothing nice to say. When I started doing care I would have been able to say that I would NEVER disrupt. I would NEVER ask for children to be removed. But then we had to and I have a whole new perspective.
In my life I have been faced with a few real life examples of the "alway" and the "never".
Life is so much easier from a hypothetical place.
Until I walk in your shoes, I have no room to give you anything but support to what you had to do for the best of all not just the "one". I cannot imagine all the pain and anquish and you did not "give up" easily a battle you had believed so long you would win!! I feel sad for all of you, because in it all, you all are hurting.
I had not been over here in a while and am shocked to hear what has happened. I feel so badly for you all. Nobody ever imagines that something like this could happen.
I think you were smart for writing your governor. I hope they do something about this. Not providing authorization for the care the children need should absolutely not be an option.
I will definitely say a prayer for you all.
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