Yesterday on Laura's blog, I found a link to Jeanette's blog (post now removed, but still on Laura's blog in entirety). Click on either name to get to their blog. The posts were quite something, not to mention the comments. WOW! What a debate! It's as old as dirt. I frankly have so much to say on the topic, I did not post a comment on Jeanette's blog. **And while we are at it, my respect and admiration goes to single working moms. You wear all the hats in the family.**
1. Let's take religion out of the equation for a moment. Yes, alot of what guides and directs us is thru our belief system. However, how can one say that being a Christian (or not, as Jeanette was accused of) clearly dictates if a woman works outside the home? Does the bible state if we should breastfeed? Eat organically? Those are rhetorical of course, but other topics people really get hot over.
2. Can we not be kind to others when stating our opinions? I think the crisis here is women who cannot support other women. We don't have to agree with them, but can we not be compassionate & graceful thru adversity? Truly in our day in age, high cost of living, stress, lack of extended family support, you'd think women could at least support women.
3. It's not a crime/sin to have a child, adopted or bio, in daycare. I'm a SAHM and I can see that one pretty clearly.
4. What's up with all the anonymous commenters on this topic? Personally I'm glad people came out of hibernation to comment, but can't people use their blog ID and feel bold enough to post their true feelings?
5. Honestly, I do not know many women who can afford to work AND put their child in daycare. I know countless women thru church, biblestudy, MOPS, etc., who are like "I choose to be a SAHM." Really? I know these women don't have marketable skills and/or a college degree. They truly cannot afford to pay for daycare after one child (if even for one). This is not a put down to those women. I'm just saying, I see these women patting them self needlessly on the back, alluding to what they allegedly gave up (all this free flowing cash) to be a SAHM, when that's just not the true picture. In real life*, I only know one professional woman in addition to myself who chose to put their career aside to be a SAHM. ONE. I am an accountant, and my friend is a lawyer. Now that is giving up a great career to be a SAHM! I'm not patting myself on the back. Just stating the situation. *Thru yahoo groups & blogs, I've met countless professional women who put their career aside to be with their children.
6. That being said, there ARE many things we SAHM's give up. I don't have to rant about it though. Conversely, there are many things working moms give up too. Life is hard, and no one said it would be fair!
7. Where are the women who choose to work and have the balls to just come out and say "Yea, I work outside the home. I want to. It's a choice I make. I feel like it." I know you are out there. I know personally there are many women who want a career, the professional environment, the socializing, strong work ethic, 401K, and sense of accomplishment that a career provides. It's not wrong to have those desires. They are positive dynamics and I commend that.
8. Jeanette's original blog post is about ex-orphan kids being left in daycare. Somewhere the argument went sideways and all the SAHM's and working moms came out with gloves on. Our original international adoption agency had a policy to only approve adoptions to families with a stay at home parent (they did approve single parents). I personally feel that it is highly beneficial to do this for kids with any special need. I think most people would agree with that. Again though, it's not a crime to put a child in daycare. A child who is here in the US, with a loving family, is far better off than in an institution!! Praise God these children have been adopted and have a forever family!
9. I think there are exceptions to any situation. When we had the girls with us, the older girl had so many behavioral, sexual, and safety problems, I literally could not do anything other than watch her like a hawk 24/7. In the evening when my DH came home, he watched her like a hawk so I could get the home front taken care of. This truly impacted the other children in the home. They had nearly zilch quality time with me. During the day they were at school; in the evening I was running errands, cleaning the house, cooking, getting to doctor appts, etc. At this point, it became necessity to put the adopted child in daycare 4hrs a week so I could have some uninterrupted time caring for my family. She is a highly traumatized and disturbed child. Be that as it may, I could not sacrifice the other children in the home & the care for them and our family, to watch one child 24/7. So, daycare came into the equation 4 hours a week. I have no regrets about that.
10. Final point. I do not want this to come down as harsh. The truth is, we all make our own choices. Working moms and SAHM moms all have bills to pay. Mainly I hear from working moms that "we have bills to pay." Well, that's true, but it's true for all of us. And yes, I live in a Seattle suburb, one of the most expensive areas in the country. Yes, gas prices have gone thru the roof. yes. yes. yes. I know there are countless families who have financial hardships, out of their control, and they are stuck with the bill: medical costs, a legal fiasco, a natural disaster, whatnot. Honestly though, when people say "we have bills to pay", well, who created those bills? Usually the person who the bill comes to. Usually it's an intentional purchase, and not a natural disaster or crisis generating the bills. I'm NOT saying it's wrong to have bills, to make purchases, to make choices. But that is what this all comes down to: MONEY!
My husband and I are both financial professionals with great financial expertise. So, we know enough to know that we all have options. Alot of people, if they are truly interested, could go to one income by doing the following:
Pay by cash only. No cash? No purchase.
Go to one car. Take a bus. Ride a bike.
Bring a sack lunch to work, and no lattes, soft drinks, cigarettes, beer.
Shop at Value Village. Most of my families material possessions are from VV. Artwork, kitchen gadgets, mine & DH clothing, household decor, tools, the kids church clothes, shower curtains. You name it, and thrift stores carry it. I have never bought underwear there. I do draw the line at that.
This would be hard, but if you want to cut back, sell the house & buy a smaller one. Yes the economy sucks, as it does for EVERYONE! It just is. As a couple, we seriously know if my husband lost a job, was disabled, we'd sell the house & buy a tiny one. It just is.
Check out Dave Ramsey, Suze Orman, Dr. Phil, Oprah, Google, and look up Money, Debt, Finances, Debt-free, etc. Too many good nuggets there (free!) to help. I'm totally serious.
No expensive vacations. No eating out. Cut the kids back to one sport/extra circular activity per year (or none). It will not kill them. They can ride a bike, play outside, and find something to do for free.
Buy what's on sale each week at the grocery store & live off of that. Buy meat in bulk or thru a grower/supplier and utilize that freezer. We have half a pig coming in October. YUMMY!
Give up expensive hobbies.
Give up professional services & take care of things yourself (ie..hair color, manicures, mowing the lawn, cleaning the house.)
Take an evening and/or weekend job. Both of you.
Give up the subscriptions & annual fees: magazines, athletic tickets, the golf club.
Buy drugstore toiletries & essentials, use some generic here and there, and skip the mall.
There are countless ideas and options, which I do not have the time to get into here. We've implemented many in our personal life.
When times are tough, we realize there is truly little we HAVE to have. There is little we need. We have to have shelter, food, water, and clothes on our back. None of these have to be fancy or designer. It's not about what we deserve, it's about getting our needs met. True needs. Not wants.
The bottom line is, there are also MANY families doing all these financial tips & then some, who are still in dire financial straights. I applaud you. I respect you. I know you are working your fingers to the bone, you are dogass tired, and you are frayed. You are in pain, and to add insult to injury, some SAHM's are attacking you. I think this is the crisis. This is the tragedy. You are doing all you can, and your efforts will eventually pay off. You will get out of debt. You only answer to yourself and God. You will be blessed for your efforts.
As women, please support each other. Notice I have not attacked anyone here, or any side. These are observations, with a little financial education thrown in there, because yes, I am a financial professional. Not tooting my horn. I have two college degrees in business & accounting, as does my spouse.
If anyone has any questions about finance, please write. I welcome any and all comments here, and encourage it. I truly want to see women supporting women. We all need it. Desperately. Laura & Jeanette, I believe you are both Christians! As women we need to take a stand and not be on a high horse. Last time I checked, none of us is a moral/religious professional; we have not cornered the market on that and no one is entitled to get on a high horse over it all. I'm sure Dobson or Beth Moore could post on all this with far more tact than I've recently seen in Bloggerland. We all have our opinions, and we can all have a blog. That is obvious. Personally, I would prefer to discuss topics, not wage an emotional war against others. I hope I have been atleast a tad helpful here sharing my feelings.
The most noble calling is to be a mother. And there are lots of ways to be a mother.
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10 comments:
I will never understand why moms feel the need to attack each other's choices. Is it guilt? I know I have mommy guilt constantly. When I'm working, I feel like I should be spending more time with Slugger. When I'm out playing with Slugger, I worry because I should be working to make more money for our family (being single, I'm the sole provider, after all).
I think it's clear that neither decision -- staying at home or being a working mom -- is without it's downsides. They both have perks as well.
We just have to make the best choices for our families and go from there. I quit the job I loved to become a WAHM because that was best for my son. But I miss my job. I miss my co-workers. And working from home is hard. It's not all sunshine and roses -- it was a hard decision.
Similarly, in adoption, I'll never understand why people argue the domestic vs. international thing. It's craziness. I know you and I share similar views on that.
Hey there!! I started typing my response but want to make sure it's not a reaction. My grandmother emailed me cracking the whip saying all people are entitled to their opinions...LOL.....so I gotta make sure I don't go against the advice of my sweet grandma and say anything too harsh...
I think your points are very helpful.
thanks, Laura
Great post. I'll have to take time later to check out the other posts you mentioned. I will have tremendous mommy guilt whenever I find something to help us financially. And I pray that it is only for a time to get us out of debt. But I know it's what I have to do for our family no matter what our desires are of me being a SAHM.
You're comment of giving up expensive hobbies really hit home to me. My scrapbooking is such a big cost. I think I'm going to have to give that one up for awhile.
I arrived via Laura's blog. I read both Laura and Jeanette's posts. Like you, I could not believe what I as reading. I think your point of view on the issue was well written! Good Job! I had not posted to either one's blog bc I was trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. Thank you for speaking my mind-ha! Regardless of whether you work or stay at home, there is always a bit of (self inflicted) guilt. There is no right or wrong answer. The only answer here is to love and respect one another. Life is hard enough. We should be building each other up, not ripping each other apart. We don't always have to agree, but as the Golden Rule says "treat others As you would have done unto you."
Thanks for letting me know about this debate. I was home with Piney at first year home and then she was enrolled in a day care for awhile while I took a big school load of classes and now she is at home with me again (I am taking a lighter class load now). Both experiences (home and daycare) enriched her life. One of the things she learned in the daycare that she wasn't getting from me is how to act like a healthy normal child at her age by modeling her healthy peers. She had unhealthy peer models in the orphanage and had picked up all sorts of bad habits. She changed more for the good while in high quality day care than she did when she was home with me. It was rapid change. She improved her manners, her habits, etc because she saw her friends doing it (i.e. wash hands, brush teeth, go potty, sit nicely at the table). My other children are not close to her age so they were not as influential as her peers in the day care. I was encouraged by my doctor when I arrived home with her to put her with other healthy American children as much as possible. She modeled their language skills, their appropriate responses, their lack of fears, their interest in toys and books. It was the best thing I ever did for her. However, I also know how important it is for her to be with me and to continue to form that bond- so now that she has learned those valuable lessons that I could never have taught her as well- she is home with me during the day. She still has some issues, but from experience I know that all 3 year olds have some issues. She has come SO far from where she was when she came home and I attribute it largely to her wonderful day care providers.
Very articulate post and excellent points. I am that woman you are looking for. I do not have to work, I choose to work. We provide our children with excellent care and peer interaction by hiring a nanny who comes to our house and sharing her with 2 other families. My job allows me lots of flexibility to be with the kids. Yes, I often have mommy-guilt, but for us this is the best choice. I would never condemn anyone for making their own choices. There is no one perfect scenario that fits every family and every situation. I am confident and secure in our choices. I think people who get defensive and attack are not secure in their choices....
I am a SAHM and love it. I cannot talk for other people and I am not about to condemn other people for going back to work. You can never judge another person until you have walked a mile in their shoes. Some kids probably would be better off by being at home solely with mom or dad while others may benefit more from the structure of school/daycare. This is a no win battle, so I usually steer clear, but you asked me to put in my two cents.
Well written. Two thumbs up.
Hi Esther, I'm doing some serious catching up here...I think the people who put up a vicious fight have some unresolved issues. They always seem to be lacking confidence in their parenting decision. I say do what works for you and your family and play nice. I, of course, am a perfect mother and do nothing wrong.
well sing it to me sista' friend!
Yes, I have to cheer for all your points in #5. I developed my blog around it! I could scrape by with 2 kids in day care 3 days a week, but when my employee portion of our healthcare doubled to almost $800 a month, I was out. I would be working if I could afford to. How perverse is that? Working wound up costing us money!
Self-congratulating, high on their own opinions of themselves and never happier when they have someone to judge- SAHMS make me nuts.
And I haven't even gone to the referenced blog yet!
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