So Where Have I Been?

Well, happy New Year and all. Been on sabbatical. I ran out of things to write. Been tired and thru a few wars with my 13yr old. Called the police on him three times in the last couple months. Too tired to write about it. Use your imagination. The final time I told my husband that alot of these problems could be alleviated if my husband actually parented. We went to counseling, and lo and behold, the counselor told my husband his head is up his ass. Husband is starting to parent, require the boys respect me and follow rules. Also, 13 yr old boy is a couple days shy of being 14, when in our state you can be formally arrested and have criminal charges brought. Honestly, I'd leave him in jail as long as they'd let me. Show up at the arraignment. That's what professional advice has supported also. So, Boy knows his bluff has been called, I'm not afraid to use a phone to call 911.

In other news, I thoroughly love my job. As an odd strange set of events unfolded, I was offered a long term sub spot in a highly capable class at our local high school. This is probably the only teacher assistant job in a highly capable class. I was floored. It's a business class that is too large for one teacher. Did I say business, as in accounting? yes. This is so up my alley, and I thoroughly enjoy every day of class. And the kids. And the head teacher. It's a dream job, and I'm enjoying it as long as it lasts. This is at the local high school my kids will attend. Which leads me to work with my children's athletic coaches. I spoke with two of them recently because they coach at my sons middle school. Told them how crappy it's been going, getting the police involved and all. Told them I didn't want to sign up my son for wrestling. They asked how he does when he's in sports. Honestly I think his behavior is better because he's too tired to cause as much trouble after a two hour athletic practice, five days a week. The coach said "put him in wrestling. Call me every week. If he's disrespectful, he doesn't get to wrestle at that weeks match." Music to my ears. So, within 24 hr of the last police episode, I had this run-in with the coach, and I shared (while trying to contain my glee) with my son and husband. I explained there are real life consequences to actions. We're a little past time-out and such at this point. My son started wrestling two weeks ago, and his coach said up front that he is not wrestling in the first match of the year since he hit his mother. I am in love.

I will add too, that some additional real life consequences did not work for this son recently, as he was hitting me in public and a school bus of his peers drove by. He then ran away. Long story. He is back and living here. But suffice it to say, he came home crying from school the next day and was crying. I asked why. "Half the school is calling me a douche bag because that school bus of kids saw me hitting my mom." Ah yes, that will happen. More music to my ears.

Now truly I am broken hearted that it has to get to this point. But seriously, I cannot express how thankful that these real world consequences are setting in. Takes the heat off me (cause he just thinks I'm a crazy bitch for wanting say, oh, to get thru a week without calling the police on him).

As a final note, I read a great comment over on the Hoover mom's blog (she's in my sidebar). A mom, Lisa, commented on her concerns about her kids turning out 95% like their bio parents. All the worries and troubles that this envisions. I understand the concern is great. I wrote this comment in response:
"I wanted to respond to a great comment you left over there. Actually you have several great comments, very smart & well thought out. You were discussing how kids are gonna turn out 95% like their bio parents and such. I came from a nightmare home. Can't believe I wasn't taken from my parents. My dad is an addict, and my mom is developmentally delayed and physically disabled (although, that could be a ruse, just to trick the rest into not expecting anything of her). I turned out to be delightful, smart, responsible, and college educated. This was difficult to say the least, with the lack of intelligence and support in my family of origin. I had to grow up parenting the parents. Got a clue when I was 20, moved out, never looked back. I got a bachelors degree in business and accounting from the University of WA, worked as a corporate accountant for many years, have raised three boys (two of which are special needs), been thru international adoption, and our local DSHS domestic adoption processes. I thoroughly benefit from ongoing counseling. I'm lucky that's all I need, considering my biological family. I do not allow my dad any contact with me or my family. My mom, well, I keep her on the outskirts. I refuse to take care of her since I did it my whole childhood. So she lives in Government subsidized Senior Disability Housing. Works for all of us. Anyway, feel free to connect with me. I'm an adult who survived an unthinkable upbringing. I could be the minority, but it does happen. I'm not a criminal, psychopath, sociopath, or trouble maker. I may have a big mouth, but I'm pretty harmless."

Really for me, I have to draw the line at safety, sexual abuse, crime. Those are the reasons I've gotten the state and police involved with our kids whether it's for bio kids or adopted kids. And sometimes it's not best for kids to continue to live in the same home if others are in danger. Sometimes it can be worked out. But as far as the health and educational needs of kids, I know the heartache all too well also. I'll post more soon about our youngest. I've gotten him into Children's Hospital lately for some permanent health issues. To add to his alphabet soup of diagnoses, we have now added Tourette's syndrome.

Truth is stranger than fiction I've come to believe.
Hope you are all well and prospering. I keep up on the blogs I read, just comment rarely. Blessings to you, Esther

The Adoption Arena Resurfaces

Since we disrupted, we have put all things adoption on hold. We are not trying, waiting, holding our breath. We have been moving forward, grieving, healing, and creating a new life. This week the adoption arena resurfaced. I was not expecting this, but it has been a joyful blessing, albeit, a little bittersweet.

The executive director of our domestic adoption agency got in touch with us. She told me our SW never told her we disrupted. This was news to her this week. Our SW buried our files off-site in storage, and only just now are the head honchos finding out what really happened. They called to find out from us, in our words, what happened. They want us to foster and/or adopt again. But more interesting, they want us to be a source on disruption for their staff and PAP's. Again, interesting. She apologized for what we went thru, what the state put us thru, and how inept our SW was. She said what happened to us just should not happen to people. Putting a completely disturbed dangerous child in our care, and the state denying her medical/mental resources was just ghastly. I emailed her documents we had on our case and the girls, and emails I'd sent our SW during our case. She sent us the following email:

"Thank you for taking the time to put the documents together for me. I know that it is hard to have to rehash and some what relive this sad time of your life. I am praying that the Lord will use you to bring light to any other situations like yours. I pray that the Lord will give you strength and guidance. Also I pray for healing, I am so sorry how you have been hurt for opening your home and heart for these girls and also the rest of your family.
I am so glad that you called and shared with me so honestly what happened to your family. I would like to continue to have other conversations with you so that XYZ Adoptions* can learn and be taught through you very sad experience.
My prayers for you, (signed by exec dir)"

signed. received. We are blessed to hear this news and know our adoption agency wants this. We are more than happy to help in any way possible, help their staff, help families, whatnot. I told her we are not ready to foster and/or adopt at this moment, but we have not closed the door on it. We just need more time to heal, more time to spend on our marriage, more time in general.

As a bonus, the girls bio family has gotten our address and phone number (I have no idea how, but guessing DSHS gave it out). They are using our address & phone number for their bills. Nice. I should not be surprised any more. And of course these people do not pay their bills, so bill collectors are calling. Good times. Thru my investigation of all this, without giving out alot of details, it looks like the girls have been thru yet another disruption. I was told they are back with the foster family.

*not real name

The Sheriff Said to Beat Our Son's Ass

Today I'm uncharacteristically tired. Maybe it's par for the course considering all that has happened this last week.

The good news is, work is wonderful. I've been subbing pretty much every day, and I love it. Did I mention how much I love it? I really have a particular fondness for the older kids, junior high and high school. I took myself off the sub list for the 19-21yr old students. A few are sweet, but alot are there because they have not passed the WASL (standardized state testing), so they cannot get their diploma, they are there trying to study to get a food handlers license. These kids along with some of the severely mentally retarded leave too big of a chance of getting violent with me. Chairs are thrown, kids run away (& the policy is to chase them down), they manhandle the staff. The staff is just supposed to deal with it. I already have a permanent spine injury and disc issues. Not going to chance worsening that. All of these "kids" are far bigger than me for the most part. I discussed it with the district and my DH. Best for me to choose to not sub there. Other than that, I LOVE WORK! And to boot, I can ride my bike to work at several of the locations. Love that.

Now for the meat of the post. I thought things were going so well with the kids meds. Until last Thursday. Just because I asked our 13yr old (who is bipolar & has ADHD) to pick up dog poo, this set off a chain of actions that were just ridiculous. This was in the morning before school, so DH not around. Much defiance, not gonna clean up dog poo off the carpet. He does not like the consequences I throw down. So he then throws about half a bottle of carpet cleaner (gallon bottle) over a five foot section of the carpet (the dog poo covered a few inches). I tell him he will have to miss out on allowance to pay for the cleaner he just wasted. The younger two kids went to school. The 13yr old starts threatening me. I call DH. He says "why do you let it get this far out of hand?" I said "fuck off" (not my finest Titus Woman moment) and hung up on him. Boy is still threatening me and refusing to get in the car for school. I called the police. I stayed on the phone with them, waiting for the cop to show up, so they could hear the boy threatening me and screaming. I wanted it on record. The boy is threatening me and wanting to call dad (like that will rescue him?). He grabs another phone, but it will not work for him since I'm on the same line with the police. He tries my cell, but this has never worked at my home because we live in the boonies. For the coup de graw, he jumps me and takes the phone away, running away from home. Calls his dad. I took my cell, locked him out of the house, and drove down the street to call the police back. Big mistake to jump me to get the phone. Not regretting calling the police one bit.

Reminder: this is all because he was told to clean up dog poo.

DH came home from work, I pulled in right after him, then the sheriff got here. Son came home once he saw dad and sat at the dining room table. The sheriff came in with bullet proof vest and hand on his gun. I now have a crush on the sheriff, but that's another story. I briefed the sheriff on the situation, including the fact that the boy is bipolar & ADHD. Not an excuse for his behavior, but disclosing the facts. Then here's how the conversation went:

Sheriff: Do you beat your son?
us: nope
Sheriff: Do you slap him across the face.
us: nope
Sheriff: WELL WHY THE HELL NOT?
me: the boy is bigger and faster than me, and I don't want CPS taking all my kids because we spank and discipline harshly the one who is really out of control.
Sheriff (looking at my husband): What's wrong with you? If my son treated my wife like that, I'd beat his ass. (Sheriff looking at boy): Boy, if you talk to me that way I'll throw you on a wall and beat you. If I see you in public treating me or your mom that way, I'm going to beat your ass and throw you in jail.

Oh, I heart the sheriff. He ripped my DH and DS up one side and down the other. Sheriff is proceeding to nail my son to a cross. He asks my son if he's peeing his pants yet. Son says "no". Sheriff says "well, then you can control yourself. You just choose to treat your mom this way. You are lazy. You have no idea what a well kept extravagant home you live in here, and you think it's all not good enough. Try running away again. Your parents can change the locks, report you as a runaway (so they are not charged with neglect and abandonment), and you'll be in a gutter peeing & pooping your pants, starving. No one will care about you. The only ones who care are your parents." This went on 30-40 minutes. It was awesome.

We told the sheriff we do not spank because in our state you can have ALL your kids taken away for that. Told him I feel castrated as a parent. He shook his head and said basically the schools misinform people, telling kids they have all these rights and that they, as kids, can call CPS for protection when kids don't like what is going on at home. Truly tragic for the parents merely setting boundaries and consequences. The schools don't tell the kids that they need to call CPS for ABUSE. They fail to inform the kids that they can't call CPS just because they got their iPod taken away. He proceeds to hand us a copy of our state laws on spanking. Here is what the law says for the state of WA:

USE OF FORCE ON CHILDREN
rcw9a.16.100 Use of force on children--policy-actions presumed unreasonable

It is the policy of this state to protect children from assault and abuse and to encourage parents, teachers and their authorized agents to use methods of correction and restraint of children that are not dangerous to the children.

HOWEVER, the physical discipline of a child is not unlawful when it is reasonable and moderate and is inflicted by a parent, teacher or guardian for the purpose of restraining or correcting the child.

Any use of force on a child by any other person is unlawful unless ti is reasonable and moderate and is authorized in advance by the child's parent or guardian for the purpose of restraining or correcting the child.

***The following actions are presumed unreasonable when used to correct or restrain a child:
1. throwing, kicking, burning, or cutting a child
2. striking a child with a closed fist
3. shaking a child under three
4. interfering with a child's breathing
5. threatening a child with a deadly weapon
6. doing any other act that is likely to cause and which does cause bodily harm
greater than a transient pain or minor temporary marks.

"The age, size, and condition of the child and the location of the injury shall be considered when determining whether the bodily harm is reasonable or moderate. This list is illustrative of unreasonable actions and is not intended to be exclusive."

SO, we asked what are appropriate means of disciplining the child that will not have CPS entering the picture. He said if it was one of his six kids, he'd have our son running lines until he passes out or pukes, spanked with a paddle, take the bedroom door off the hinges, keep calling the police to keep a record going, and defend myself. Alot of this will be handed down by my DH considering the boy is larger than me. The sheriff left us with the remark that I'm the boss of the boy. If the boy doesn't like that, than the sheriff will be the boss of the boy. The boy only gets this one warning, and it is on record at that. Next time I call the police, he'll go to juvie hall (under age 14) or jail (age 14 and older). At the jail, I can press charges, then the boy will be sent to juvie to await a hearing and sentencing.

This has really taken a toll on me. To further it all, I decided to sign up for a self-defense course. Unfortunately there are none around here. But I found some down at UW, and I will be taking the classes (January). If the boy jumps me again, he'll regret it. Hopefully he'll be able to have children when I'm done taking him down.

I'm struggling with this as well because my DH thinks I should just be able to magically put up with all this, magically keep the boy in order, denies the notion that the boy has bipolar disorder despite three shrinks and our PCP agreeing with diagnosis. This is hard on our marriage. He told me if I get the boy thrown in jail, he'll divorce me (if I get the boy thrown in jail? uh, it's the boys actions that would get him thrown in jail). I told him if he can't support me, him divorcing me would be a gift. Apparently he supports me because he's spanked the boy twice since Thursday. He is not supportive of me taking the self defense classes. sigh........

Let's hope things are looking up from here!! I'm still a #1 supporter and promoter of Love and Logic parenting. The boy got kicked off the school bus for three days a couple weeks ago (for dangerous behavior). I told the school my DH will drive him in the morning because it's dark, but the boy can walk his butt home every day. All six miles. I think he now thinks the bus is alot more fun than walking home. Just because the kids create a problem, doesn't mean I have to be punished. I told the principal I would prefer if they did not suspend kids, but instead had them wash busses at the bus barn in 40 degree weather for four days. But I'm sure the school district is not interested in Love and Logic parenting..............

Weekend Hangover

Ever feel like you have a hangover on Monday morning just from doing so much all weekend? I think I have one of those. Too much weekend!

I actually had one of the most fun weekends ever, just packed full of activity.

Let's back up to Wednesday. Dyed my hair with a home color (box from drugstore). It was supposed to be light brown. Turned out almost black. Got really emotional & all across the board with it. Then realized: it's only hair! I think I look like a Hispanic with blue eyes. I'm sticking with it for a while. However, I'm making a coloring appt with a stylist in a few weeks to see what I'm doing wrong. Washed my couch slipcovers (remember this for future reference).

Thursday. Shopped and cooked for my 10yr old's bday party. Took the puppy in to get spayed.

Friday. Went to work at one of the local high schools. Got a call from my 11yr old saying the dog threw up on the couch. Poor kid (& puppy). So the 11yr old had to clean up the couch & wash the couch cover. When I work at the high school, the 11 & 10yr old are home for less than an hour, and then they get on the school bus. Anyway, I worked at the high school. Showed up to find Mardi Gras, ie.., HOMECOMING! Wish I knew this ahead of time so I could have dressed accordingly. This was actually really really fun, and brought back so many great memories. I was in the Self-Contained room for the day. So I walked with a mentally retarded girl & a downs syndrome boy thru the city parade. Yes, our local high school goes ape with homecoming, including a mid-day city parade. 2400 students plus many locals are in the parade. CRAZY! Went to work and ended up in a parade. Quite a day. After the parade we went to the pep assembly. Best day of work I've ever been to!
Friday evening we had our 10yr old's bday party/sleepover. Three boys came, thank GOD! Apparently he is able to retain friends! Whew! Then I went in the wee hours of the night to retrieve my 13yr old from the local homecoming game. He went with his football coach & friends from the middle school.

Saturday. Got thru breakfast & exiting the 10yr olds. Sleepovers always seem to end in such lack of sleep that children are psychotic. We noticed this all morning. I proceeded to tell the boys to take a nap. They asked how long? I said until dinner.
I went for a job interview (part-time) at Home Depot. On top of our eye surgery bills & putting two kids in braces, I now reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally need hearing aids. I've needed them for about five years, but put it off. They cost about $7K for the type I need, and our insurance covers 30%. Apparently I work to pay the medical bills. The thing that gets me is we have really good insurance. Yet how can there be so many services not covered? ARGH. Anyway.
Early evening I went to my make-shift high school reunion at a local roadhouse. My husband said I must be off to go whoring at the roadhouse. Nice. Actually the whole thing was so much fun, dozens of old classmates came, and was a huge success. People have requested doing this more often than annually. So we will make it semi-annual. My friend C & I ran the whole thing with the roadhouse owner (went to school with him). I rolled into my bed at about 2:30am. I was the designated driver, so stayed until the end. Fortunately no one needed a ride home.

Sunday. Got up at 6:30am to go to church. Don't remember much after that seeing as I was so tired! I recall taking a nap, doing some ironing, and taking the kids out to lunch. Maybe it was a dream. Tried to figure out how the DirecTV box is not working in the family room. Figure it got broken during the sleepover. Won't bother me for the kids to be out of a TV! This is my dream come true!!! Told the kids and my husband there's really no incentive for me to get the box fixed. I would have to take a day off work without pay to wait around for the repair man, pay $75/hr for a repairman, and pay for supplies/product. Works for me to go without the kids tv. (Silently rolling on floor laughing a maniacal laugh).

Today. I thought I would be going to work to recover from all the weekend activities, ya know, go to work to relax! Then I remembered it's a teacher in service day. I will relax tomorrow.

Relief

Things are going really well right now. We are now beyond the one month mark of when we started our two bipolar sons on Depakote. The difference is night and day, & yet, no serious side effects. We don't see any side effects at all. What we notice is a normal life. Alot of peace. Almost zero chaos created by mentally ill children. It's a luxury I think most parents take for granted.

Work is going well. I have worked almost every day for the school district the past few weeks. I really enjoy working with the high school kids the best. That's my favorite so far.

My youngest son's birthday party is Friday night. Some kids have RSVP'd. Phew!

The Friendship Drama

My heart hurts when the kids come home with their friendship dramas. I guess I should get a thicker skin, because this will only go on for forever. But, what do you do with the autistic child (of any form) who just doesn't understand alot of social skills, nuances, and aspects, yet he WANTS friends? And friends usually think he is weird................

He is weird, and it's heartbreaking.

All three boys, and one of our girls when she was here, go thru the "nobody wants to be my friend. I have no friends." I can honestly say that is false for all those children.

Perhaps they want something different, or situations hurt their feelings, and/or they feel disappointment. I've expressed many times this week to come home and tell me how they FEEL, not to just scream, shove a brother, and say "people treat me like dirt!"

Could they be more specific please?

So I tell them to tell me what is going on and tell me how they feel. They I ask them, "so what are you going to do about that?" I want them to first look inside them self for alternatives and solutions. Then we can talk about lots of options, including ones I throw out there.

What I really loathe is the drama queen routine. sigh. Any suggestions? This really only goes on currently with the 11yr old & almost 10yr old. Could be kids at school, could be neighborhood kids. What I really dislike about our neighborhood kids for the most part is that they are spoiled rotten little rich kids. We live in a neighborhood where the homes are $500K thru a million dollars. Pretty nice. Most of these people do things like shove tons of gifts and monetary extravagance at their kids. Hmmm, wonder how their kids will like it when they want to move out of mom & pops, and discover the world does not hand them a silver platter. We insist on the kids pitching in, rare trips, and we do not keep up with the latest gadgets and electronics. Apparently in most circles, this is extremely important. We are trying to drive home the point that kids who are nice & share something in common with you are going to make the best friends. We've noticed that the kids who are filthy stinking rich and spoiled are not really nice for the most part. We don't like their parents (typically) and we do not have the same values. We live in the Pac NW, and one of these families will take their kids to DisneyLand just because it's someones birthday. Ah, my kids have been once. ONCE! And that's probably the only trip they will get there on my dime! I'm not being stingy. I feel we have good financial grounding and we are realistic. At the same time we are saving for retirement and the future.

So, what else can I do to help with the friendship dramas that will go on until they move out? Diana, perhaps you can write a post about this? You always have such great insight....................

Work Update

The accounting agency has still never sent me on a job. I interviewed with two other gals for a company. This company has still not selected any of us. This was three weeks ago I interviewed. I gave up on that and called the school district to see if I could sub (they said they would hold my file open for 12 months). So I went to a training orientation on Wednesday, and substituted yesterday at the alternative school. They loved me and asked me if I would like to work there in a permanent position. There are half a dozen programs at the alternative school: middle school, high school, blind/deaf elementary, teen parents with daycare on site, severely disabled (age 14-21), & parents attending school with child. I worked in the severely disabled classrooms (2 classes). These are kids where half of them will never speak or live independently. Either strokes or highly mentally retarded. The lowest functioning in the district.
I worked with three girls yesterday ages 19, 20, & 21. Heartbreaking work, but necessary. I think the 19yr old had a stroke or something......she is strapped to a wheelchair, in diapers (someone else changed her, thank GOD!), can't speak, and has to be hand fed & bottle fed. Poor thing. I was reading to one girl and pulled the girl in the wheel chair over to us to listen as well. She was just sitting alone in the middle of the room. I thought "If she were my kid, I would want someone with her doing just what the other kids are doing". I think she liked me; I got a smile out of her. I had to roll my eyes at this male teacher. When I was reading to the girl in the wheel chair this guy is shaking his head "no" at me & says "you know she can't interact or participate, right?". I said, "If she were my child I would want her included." I kept her with me & read to her. I was trying not to cry, thinking of this poor woman, age 19, so severely disabled, and no one cares if she sits all alone. Sheesh. Then briefly I helped six kids who are working VERY hard to get their food handling license. They want to work at Alfy's, Top Foods, etc., nearby. One of the boys (downs syndrome) put boxes together at Alfy's each day. Some of the kids work at GoodWill and Safeway a couple hrs a week. But they have to have adult supervision on the job until they pass a test. So I went thru a couple of practice tests with the kids. I think maybe half of the six will pass the test. I wrote the district today & officially am in the ring for the job. 8am-2:30pm Monday thru Friday. Perfect. And the alternative school is less than 15 minutes from my home! If I don't get that job, I'll keep subbing. There wasn't any need for subs today, so I'm at home.